The first thing I noticed is the sound. Not music, just this wet, sloppy squelch that loops every time you grab a tit. It’s like someone left a microphone inside a bucket of warm pudding. I sat there for maybe ten minutes just clicking and unclicking, listening to that noise. It never gets old, which is weird because it should.

Cowgirl 2 doesn’t pretend to be anything else. You get a pair of massive, cartoonish boobs attached to a cowgirl who mostly just stands there, blinking. You can pull them, stretch them, make them bigger until they block the whole screen. There’s a milk button. You press it and white stuff sprays everywhere, and then you can lick it off, which is a whole separate button. I don’t know why the licking is its own button. Maybe the developer was proud of the tongue animation. It’s not great. The tongue looks like a pink slug that forgot how to move.

The facial stuff is there too, if you angle the mouse right. Cumshot mode is basically just aiming a hose. No pressure meter, no timing challenge. You just hold and release. I wish there was a way to make her react more, like a moan or a flinch. But she just keeps smiling that same empty smile, like she’s thinking about hay.

One thing that bugs me, and I know it won’t be fixed, is the cursor. It’s a tiny white arrow. On a screen full of giant pink flesh, you lose it constantly. I spent more time wiggling my mouse to find the damn thing than actually playing. Maybe that’s the real game.

The cowgirl position is there, obviously. You can bounce her up and down. The physics are… bouncy. Too bouncy. Like everything is made of jelly that’s been left in the sun. But honestly, after the milk button, nothing else matters. I came back to it three times today. Not because it’s good. Because it’s stupid and loud and I can’t stop pressing the milk button.