This Jenny chick. World champion of strip crossing cups among blondes. That’s what the game tells you anyway, like it’s some kind of official title. Her friends are laughing their asses off, thinking she’ll destroy you. Bunch of bitches, honestly. The whole setup is so dumb it wraps back around to being kind of perfect. You’re just some fucker champion, which, I mean, same.

The cups move. Sometimes fast, sometimes not. Lost the first round immediately because I was staring at her tits instead of the ball. Classic mistake. The photo minigame caught me off guard though. You win a round, she strips, and suddenly you’re a photographer. There’s this one shot where she’s half turned, blonde hair falling over her shoulder, looking back at you like she’s genuinely pissed you’re winning. That expression. Fuck. Spent way too long on that single image, adjusting nothing because there are no real controls, just clicking. The game’s sound is this lo-fi beat that loops, very chill, very “I’m in a waiting room for something indecent.” It’s not polished. The cups clip through each other sometimes. The nude model at the end, Jenny fully naked, has this weird shine to her skin like she’s made of slightly damp plastic. But her tits are huge and the way she poses, this triumphant little smirk, makes you forget the jank.

Winning the whole thing feels less like skill and more like the game just giving up. The final view is good. Gorgeous, even. But then you’re just… there. No fanfare. The music keeps looping. Her girlfriends aren’t laughing now, I guess. The crossing cups mechanic gets old fast, but that one photo of her pulling down her panties with her thumb, looking directly at the lens. That’s the real champion right there.