Fuck the roulette spin. Seriously. That’s the whole thing. Just this brunette nurse, right, with tits that don't make sense, staring at you while a little wheel clicks around. You’re betting on numbers to peel her clothes off. Get a number right, lose a glove. Maybe the hat. The programming here is crusty. Clicks don’t always register and I swear the ball landed on zero three times in a row which made me want to throw my phone at the wall. Not out of horny rage, just genuine frustration at the RNG seed being a total dickhead.

The nurse herself. She’s got this dead eyed smile like she’s done fifteen shifts and then got forced into a strip poker app. Her boobs are massive. Like, comically round, physics don’t apply here. They just sort of sit there. When you finally get past that stupid little dress, which took me ages because the game decided I wasn’t lucky tonight, the interaction is just a pixel hunt for the next clickable zone. There's a moment where she does this awkward shimmy to drop the fabric and her expression doesn't change at all. It’s the most unintentionally funny thing I’ve seen all week. Pure kino. I wish the sound design had more than just a generic spinner tick. Give me a groan, a sigh, a pathetic little moan. Something.

Shagged her eventually. The win condition sex scene is stiff and loops too fast. The angles are basic. But the build up, that stupid roulette table with its ugly green felt texture ripped straight from a 2005 flash game, it gets under your skin. I was genuinely muttering at this pixel nurse to just give me the damn bra already. You win a bit of clothing and she touches herself, but it’s robotic. Finishing feels less like a reward and more like the game just terminating its own existence out of boredom. I went back for round two immediately.

Dare to play it with a Bluetooth vibrator synced to the spin cycle.