Princess Peach in this thing is not the cute little damsel people remember from old school cartridge days. She wakes up basically drenched in yesterday’s fun, still with dried cum on her tits and belly, and the “oh no Mario is gone” energy is way more “shit, I need my dick back” than heroic quest. The whole game feels like somebody mashed an old Nintendo arcade with the kind of filthy hentai you’re not supposed to admit you watch, then said, yeah, Peach is a complete slut now, deal with it. You’re hopping through rooms of the castle, but every few screens you’re not really thinking about coins or enemies, you’re thinking “ok, who is she going to blow next and how hard is the cumshot going to hit her face this time.” It’s still that Mushroom Kingdom vibe, sort of, just with Peach dropping to her knees faster than a goomba gets flattened. Seeing her with her crown on, mascara a little messy, lips shiny with spit while she’s deepthroating some random troop that’s supposed to be Bowser’s guard is weirdly hot and kind of stupid in the best way.

The “levels” are basically excuses to set up more sex, and that’s not a complaint at all, except when it is. You press the same couple of keys to jump or dodge and then suddenly you’re locked into a blowjob loop where timing the strokes actually matters for how fast the guy explodes on her face. One mistake and you’re watching Peach choking and gagging, blonde hair stuck to her cheeks with semen, like she’s done this a thousand times, which she kinda has, lore-wise. I liked that there’s this one moment where she sneaks past a fire trap only to “accidentally” land on a cock waiting behind a column, like, girl, really, you didn’t see that? It made me laugh and jerk off at the same time, which is a cursed combo. But the game also loves to stall you with tiny annoying bits, like one segment where the platforming feels off by half a pixel and you just keep falling, losing the mood, until the next scene of her hungrily sucking off a chain chomp reskins your brain again. The parody is all over the place, like they misremembered half of Super Mario Bros and didn’t care, but that actually makes it hotter somehow, because it’s less respectful and more “fuck this childhood memory, Peach is a cock-hungry mess now and she’ll use sex as her only weapon until she gets her plumber back, if she even wants him after all that.”