The first thing I noticed was the art. It’s like someone drew it on a napkin in a bar, then spilled a drink on it, then scanned it with a potato. The girls have these massive, ridiculous boobs that just sort of float there, defying all logic. I’m not complaining, exactly. It’s got a certain charm, like finding an old, sticky hentai magazine under a bench. You’re this little tentacle monster, a real daddy’s boy, sent out to, uh, “get experience.” The whole premise is so stupidly blunt it loops back around to being hilarious.

I spent way too long just bumping into a tree. The arrow keys are the whole deal, and my fingers felt like sausages. You slither around this tiny map, and the first girl you find is just standing there. You attack, and if she’s weaker, the screen basically explodes into a mess of tentacles and moans. The sound is just… a loop. A single, wet, slapping loop that made me think my headphones were broken. After you, ahem, succeed, you get stronger. That’s the whole game loop. I unlocked a new girl, a demon lady with horns, and she was just standing next to a different rock. The “hard sex” tag isn’t kidding, it’s just raw, repetitive animation. I found myself wondering what the dad monster’s backstory is. Does he pay child support in, like, magical essence?

I wish there was a button to just… watch. The moving around feels almost unnecessary. One of the girls got stuck on a pixel and I just kind of phased into her, which felt like a metaphor for something. The whole thing is a broken, horny fever dream. It’s not good. I played it for an hour.