Piper Fawn’s tits have their own gravitational pull, I swear. Not even in a poetic way. The physics in this strip poker thing are basically nonexistent, but those assets. Christ. They just sit there, defying the cheap UI and the jpeg artifacts on the felt table texture. The game is five card draw against a redhead who, according to the busted intro text, is a “really good poker player.” She isn’t. I bluffed her out of her skirt with a pair of fours while I was checking Discord on my second monitor. The AI folds more than a lawn chair. You’re not here for the thrill of the gamble, though. You’re here to see a naked Piper Fawn. And you will, fast.

The striptease itself is like watching a slideshow made by a horny intern. No smooth transitions. One second she’s got the top, next it’s just gone. Poof. Tits out. The cards deal with a weird, snappy animation that made me think my browser was lagging, but no, that’s just how it is. Winning strips her, losing takes your chips. You start with a pile of cash and she’s got the same. The only real tension is wondering if the next state of undress will actually load or if the browser tab will crash. It didn’t crash, but the sound design is just a looped, tinny jazz track that sounds like it’s playing from a phone in another room. I muted it after thirty seconds and put on a podcast about the history of the Kardashian empire. Weirdly fitting.

There’s no flair. No personality in the text. She just sits there, this stock photo redhead, looking vaguely past the camera. I wish the game would acknowledge when you win with a royal flush, maybe a little extra oomph. But no, same blank expression when she loses her bra as when she loses a single chip. It’s a strip poker simulator that forgets the “tease” part of striptease. The nudity is just the end state. You see everything eventually, the classic Piper Fawn full monty, and then the game just. sits. there. You can keep playing, win money she doesn’t have, look at the static naked model. The ultimate anticlimax. Like beating a boss and the loot drop is just a text file saying “congrats.” Still, I played three rounds. What does that say about me.