The loading screen is a mess of jpeg artifacts and that's exactly what I'm here for. Unohana from Bleach, right, but she's got this weird Santa hat on and her tits are like, physics defying. The whole thing runs in a browser tab, probably on some site buried ten pages deep in a google search for "bleach hentai parody xmas" that you'd be embarrassed to have in your history. It's a sex minigame, the kind where you just click on her clothes and they vanish piece by piece.

The undress mechanic is janky as hell. You gotta click the exact right pixel on her stupid red belt or nothing happens, and I sat there poking her shoulder for a solid thirty seconds getting annoyed. The sound design is just a looping jingle bells track that crackles. But then her top pops off and the sheer size of the artwork for her huge boobs is almost worth the carpal tunnel. The artist clearly had one priority and it wasn't anatomy, it was making sure those things took up half the screen. There's a big cock involved later, obviously, it's a Santa Claus thing, but the proportions are so ridiculous I laughed out loud on the bus. Had to angle my phone away from the old lady next to me.

For a five minute time waster between stops, it delivers exactly the stupid, horny nonsense it promises. The Retsu Unohana model is recognizable if you squint, mostly because of the hair and the captain's haori that gets discarded in the first two clicks. The whole thing is a XXX porn parody that doesn't pretend to be anything else. It's not a game, it's a slightly interactive image gallery with a creampie finish. I've seen worse on itch.io. Actually, the way her eyes cross during the final scene is genuinely funny, a detail that shows someone was having a laugh making this. Don't go in expecting a full visual novel or you'll be pissed. It's a single scene, one character, and a whole lot of bleach hentai nonsense that I'll probably forget about by the time my train arrives.