So I was playing this Caitlin thing, right, and I spent way too long staring at the shower scene. Like, genuinely fixated on how the water physics are just... wrong? But in a way that makes her ass look like it's made of polished marble. The droplets don't flow, they kind of bounce off her skin in this weirdly hypnotic stutter. It's so unpolished it loops back around to being mesmerizing. Forget the date for a second. I'm just watching this blonde lather up with this dead-eyed expression, and the whole thing feels like watching a very dedicated AI hallucination. The makeup scene right after is where it gets unintentionally hilarious, she jabs the mascara wand near her eye and somehow her lashes are perfect. Pure nonsense. Good nonsense.

The actual date is a slideshow. You know the drill. But the jump to her apartment after? Buckle up. The sex scenes have this uncanny intensity. When he turns her around for doggie, there's a specific frame where her back arch looks genuinely painful, her spine curving at an angle that suggests no internal organs. But the sound, god, the moans are sampled from somewhere deep. They loop weirdly, cutting off mid-gasp before starting again. It's jarring. You can't stop listening. My top screenshots: one, that messed up spine moment in doggie. Two, her face during cowgirl, a weird blend of concentration and boredom. Three, the missionary climax where the animation loops so fast it looks like a different activity entirely.

Completely baffling how this game handles a blowjob. I can't even remember. I think it happens? There's a shift where the text says she's ready to devour him but the visual is just... missing, or maybe I clicked past a certain choice. The whole thing is AI generated so maybe the script just forgot. There's a charm to that, a sloppy horny mess where a cute blonde glitches her way through seduction. Not a smooth ride. Wouldn't have it any other way.

So the first thing that hits you is the menu music, this weird lounge jazz that sounds like it was recorded in a bathroom. It loops every forty seconds and by the third loop you're already humming it against your will. The Love Hotel. Clara runs the place, and she's got this dead eyed smile in every CG that makes me think she's been doing this since before I was born. The whole setup is basically a brothel for rich old dudes who want first timers, and the game does not pretend otherwise.

The first date mechanic is weirdly specific. You pick a girl, pick a client, and then there's this whole sequence where they sit in a hotel room and talk about nothing while the tension builds. I spent way too long on the dialogue options for one girl, the one with the short black hair and the school uniform that's clearly too small. The writing is blunt, sometimes laughably so. A client literally says "I paid for untouched goods" and I had to put my phone down. But then the CG hentai scenes hit and they're actually well drawn, like someone cared about the anatomy even when the dialogue reads like a bad translation.

The old and young tag is not subtle. Some of these men look like they're one stair climb away from a heart attack, and the game leans into that power imbalance without any shame. It's uncomfortable in a way that feels intentional, or maybe just lazy. Hard to tell. The hotel setting never changes, same beige walls, same ugly lamp, and after a while it starts to feel like a liminal space where time doesn't move.

There's a moment where Clara offers you a new girl and the screen just holds on her face for a beat too long. No music, just the hum of the air conditioner. I thought my browser froze. Then she blinks and the scene continues. That stuck with me more than any of the sex scenes.

Dare to play it alone, or invite company?

The cafe minigame is broken. Not in a crash to desktop way, but the coffee cup just sort of hovers near Mellisa’s mouth and then the blonde’s massive tits clip through the table. I spent way too long trying to get the pickup dialogue right, picking options that sounded like something a real person might say on a first date from an adult site. Tom, the guy you play, met her online and now he’s in this car, engine off, trying not to screw up. The whole thing has this grimy, unpolished texture that somehow makes the eventual blowjob in the vehicle feel more earned. Less like a porn clip, more like a memory you shouldn’t have.

The art is where things get weird in a way I can’t stop thinking about. Mellisa’s design is pure, absurd exaggeration. Her tits are so big they practically have their own gravitational pull, and the cumshot animation later on is less a splatter and more a declaration of intent. But her face, during the cafe bit, holds this blank expression that reads as either profound boredom or eldritch patience. Like she’s an ancient entity humoring a mortal’s clumsy ritual. I wish the minigame had more failure states that led to her just walking away. That won’t happen. The whole thing is a straight line to the car, to her mouth, to the finish.

Reminds me of that other dating sim, the one with the succubus who runs a bakery. That game had polish and a coherent color palette. This one has a raw, almost outsider-art quality. The first date setup is so mundane, a cafe, a car, a bad pickup line, that it loops back around to feeling cosmic. A shoggoth wearing a push up bra. The big boobs aren’t just a tag, they’re a central character, and the game knows you’re here for them. It doesn’t pretend otherwise. The lack of pretense is its only real strength. I just wish the coffee cup didn’t float.

I went into this expecting another one of those "choose your own adventure" things where the wrong click gives you a game over screen with some lame text. Instead I got my character's dad yelling about how I should always open the car door and bring flowers, while the mom is in the background doing that thing where she's trying not to laugh. The animation on her chest when she crosses her arms is completely ridiculous, like the physics engine gave up and just said "fuck it, they move now."

The date itself is where everything goes wrong in the best way. You can try to follow the parents' advice and it turns into this painfully awkward dinner where the girl is clearly texting under the table. Or you can just say whatever and suddenly she's leaning forward, and the top she's wearing is doing this thing where the fabric stretches in a way that made me forget what I was even clicking on. There's a moment with a spilled drink that I won't spoil but let's just say the cleanup involves her bending over and the dad's voice in your head screaming about napkin etiquette while you're staring at something that definitely isn't a napkin.

The humor lands because it's not trying too hard. It's the same energy as those old Newgrounds flashes where the joke is just how absurd the situation gets. The parents pop up at the worst possible moments with the most useless advice, and their reactions to your choices are funnier than the actual date sometimes. The mom's facial expressions alone, especially during the more explicit scenes where she's supposed to be giving you privacy but clearly isn't.

I do wish there was more variety in how the date plays out after the third or fourth try. It starts to feel like you've seen all the major beats. But that first run through, when you're not sure if clicking "compliment her eyes" is going to lead to a sweet moment or the dad appearing in a thought bubble with a thumbs up while things get increasingly NSFW, that's genuinely fun. The big tits tag isn't lying either. They're everywhere and they're animated with a level of care that the rest of the game's rough edges don't prepare you for.