Right so the swimming bit, that's the hook right? But it's like 20% of the game. The rest is this weird spreadsheet simulator where you're a coach for three anime girls with absolutely ridiculous proportions. I mean the boobs on the redhead. They have their own gravitational pull. You pick their training each morning, running gym or swimming, and watch these little stat bars go up. Power, endurance, health, mood. The mood one is a lie, I swear. I had a girl at 100 mood and she still looked like she wanted to fire me into the sun.

The noon part is where it gets properly bizarre. You can go to the shops to buy gifts, like a cheap necklace or a teddy bear. I gave the blue haired girl a teddy bear and her mood jumped by like 2 points. A teddy bear. She's meant to be an elite athlete. Then you can talk to a doctor who just... stares at you. No dialogue, just a screen. I think the planning tag means you're meant to figure out some deep stat strategy but honestly I just clicked the swimsuit icon a lot because the little pixel art for the pool scene was kind of cute. The map button in the corner is easy to miss, I went three in-game days without knowing I could even go to the forest. The forest does nothing. You just look at it.

Evenings you visit their rooms and if their mood is high enough you get a lewd scene. The art is that specific kind of hentai where everything is shiny and the anatomy is a suggestion. One scene with the blonde after a gym session, her spine did a thing that would hospitalize a real person. After day 20 there's the competition with butterfly crawl and breaststroke. One girl per event. If she wins and you treated her well you get a "special prize" which is just a longer animated scene. I wish the actual swimming mattered more, you just pick a girl and the game does a dice roll based on stats. Imagine if there was a DLC where you could sabotage the other girls. Slip something in their protein shake. That would be something. The whole thing feels like a weird fever dream I had after eating too much cheese.

It's basically that gif of the wet floor sign falling over but the sign is a lifeguard and the mop is a tentacle. I kept clicking with the same frantic energy I use when I'm trying to skip a YouTube ad before the five seconds are up. The pool setting is just a collection of bright blues and skin tones that my brain registered as "target rich environment" before I even understood the controls. There's a meter on the side that fills up, and when it's full, the screen does this weird little wobble thing. I still don't know what it actually does but I felt proud every time.

The bikini designs deserve a moment of appreciation. They look like they were sketched by someone who really understands the structural engineering required to contain beach balls, you know? One wrong bounce in that game and physics would just give up. The monster hunter character who shows up later has this tiny little spear that is about as threatening as a pool noodle. I wish there was a version of this you could play with just the arrow keys so you could keep one hand free for, uh, a drink. Yeah, a drink.

You ever play one of those mobile games where you're merging fruit and suddenly it's been an hour and you've accomplished nothing but you're also not mad about it? This is that but with more squishing sounds. The reflex part is real though. I missed a blonde in a red two piece because I blinked and my score just tanked. Actually made me say "oh come on" out loud to my empty apartment. The whole thing feels like a very specific fetish mood board that accidentally became playable, and honestly? We've all been there. I don't know what that says about me that I immediately started optimizing my route. Probably nothing good.