HeartProblems looks like one of those games you open just to “check it for five minutes” and then suddenly you’re clicking through scenes like a horny raccoon searching in the trash. On the surface it’s the usual porn VN setup: young guy, dead parents, moves in with uncle, house full of women that absolutely should not be as hot as they are. Milf energy in the kitchen, stacked bodies, tight clothes, that kind of slow-burn teasing where nothing “really” happens at first but your brain is already writing fanfic. Feels a bit like when you open X and see one “harmless” clip, then the algorithm decides you’re never seeing normal content again.

What sells it for me is how dirty it gets while pretending to be wholesome. You start as this awkward dude just walking around the house, talking, doing little choices that look innocent: help with the laundry, watch TV together on the couch, massage a sore back. The game loves to put you in those “accidental” skin contact situations. Hand brushing over that thick ass when you squeeze past in the hallway. Waking up with her on the sofa, your face basically in her tits, and she acts annoyed but does not move away. Corruption here is not some instant switch, it’s death by a thousand horny cuts. One day she slaps your hand for groping, later she just sighs, later she pretends not to notice, and then suddenly her leg is opening a bit more when you sit down. I caught myself saving before every dialogue just to try the slightly more perverted line and see if I can push one step further without getting shut down.

The 3D style is a bit uneven, which somehow fits. Some scenes look like they belong in a premium Patreon post, others feel like they were rendered while the dev was alt-tabbing to Telegram. Tits are huge, unapologetically so, bouncing and squeezed into outfits that clearly lost the fight with gravity. Asses too, like, “there is no way this character can find jeans in her size” big. Sometimes the proportions feel almost too much, but that might be exactly why it works. It reminds me of those cursed TikToks where the filter stretches everything and yet people in comments still type “link?” The humiliation angle hits when the MC gets caught peeking, or when one of them talks to him like he’s still a kid while his dick is obviously reacting in the shot. There’s a really fun scene where you get caught staring at her cleavage at breakfast, and the way she leans forward, half mocking you, half secretly enjoying your discomfort, is actually hotter than the later explicit stuff. And the mobile build is nice; playing this in bed with brightness low like some shameful little goblin feels exactly right. It’s weird, messy, sometimes clunky, and that’s kind of perfect for what it is.

This thing feels like someone grabbed your old TMNT VHS tape, ripped out all the kid-friendly stuff and just left April in the channel 99 porn scramble. You load it up and there she is, the same cocky reporter with the yellow outfit that every horny teenager had weird feelings about, except here the game just cuts straight to what everyone used to imagine in the background while Shredder was talking. No slow build, no fake romance, just April being treated like a fuck-toy in a world where the turtles are clearly busy somewhere else and nobody cares what the rating is anymore.

The whole thing plays like a horny fan’s browser tab that never got closed. You click, she reacts. You push further, she stops pretending she’s innocent. There is one bit where she’s still trying to do her “serious journalist” act, microphone in hand, and two seconds later that same mouth is full of cock and the mic might as well not exist. I actually liked the way her tits move when she leans forward, there’s this messy wobble that looks almost wrong, like the dev didn’t fully test that animation, but it ends up feeling nastier in a good way. There’s no soft fade, no shy teasing, it’s straight “get your dick out, here’s April’s throat” type of pace. You go from grabbing her by the hair to pinning her against some dirty wall so fast that your brain needs a second to catch up, which is funny because the game doesn’t wait for you at all. Sometimes the click zones are a bit janky, like you try to switch from throat fucking to pounding her pussy and it switches twice, so she ends up stuck in this weird half-animation where she’s moaning like she’s got a dick in both places and the sound doesn’t really match. I kept trying to fix it, then realized it kind of turned me on more, like I’d broken her for good.

The “hard sex” part is not some tag someone added for fun, it’s actually the whole point. Her eyes water, mascara almost looks melted, her lips stay swollen even after you pull out, and there is this one frame when you go too fast and her expression turns from horny to “holy shit this is too much” for half a second before it snaps back. I replayed that part way too long, trying to catch it again. Also her boobs… they are not real, of course, but they have this push-up porn look that feels ripped straight from some low-res tube site clip. Nipples always just a bit too hard, always centered perfectly when you yank her outfit down. I wish they’d let you ruin her clothes more, shred the yellow suit, rip the belt off, something like that, but the game is stubborn about keeping the outfit mostly in one piece, like it wants you to remember the original cartoon while you’re fucking her silly. And for some reason there’s this tiny delay after you finish, like a half-second freeze where your browser just stares at you with her covered in cum, and you’re not sure if it’s a bug or just the game judging you. That stupid pause annoyed me every single time and I still went back in for another round without even thinking about it.

Dare to play it alone, or invite company?

Lincoln in this thing is exactly like that horny intrusive thought you get when you rewatch a kids cartoon way too old and your brain goes “yeah ok but what if everyone here had tits and problems.” It throws you right into Royal Woods, no slow warm up, suddenly every corridor and bedroom in that house is basically a porn set waiting to happen. You’re chasing panties, yeah, but it stops being just a “collect the underwear” gag pretty fast and turns into “how deep can I mess with every girl in this crazy family and then pretend it’s normal.” It’s one of those games where you open it on mobile thinking you’ll just click a bit while scrolling Twitter, and then thirty minutes later you’re bargaining with yourself like “ok, one more scene, then I touch grass.” The school stuff, the home stuff, even random little walks outside, everything eventually loops back into getting someone horny or corrupted somehow.

The fun part is how dirty it feels for a parody. You’re not just watching Lincoln accidentally see panties. You’re pushing him into situations where he’s using mind control, teasing, pushing them from “oh that’s weird” to “ok fine just put it in, but you better not tell anyone.” Mom is there too, obviously, because it wouldn’t be a real degenerates game without a milf route mixed into all the teen drama. One moment you’re in his room pretending to be innocent while a sister leans over your lap and her ass is basically in your face, next moment you’re in some half-lit corner of the house getting a secret blowjob because you nudged her brain a little and now she “needs to practice on someone she trusts.” The harem angle hits harder than I expected, every girl has that switch where she goes from bratty to needy, and the game kind of dares you to flip it on all of them, then juggle their attention without getting caught. It feels messy and wrong but in a very deliberate way, like the dev sat there going “how far can I stretch this Loud House thing before even porn addicts blink.”

I like how some scenes are slow burn corruption, like starting with small touching, light teasing, just brushing a thigh on the couch, and you’re thinking “ok this is kinda tame” until you realize the options now are “finger her” or “put it in raw while she’s still trying to pretend this is an accident.” Then later you see the consequence, she shows up in your bed at night, asking if you can “help her sleep” and suddenly anal is on the table like it’s the most logical next step. Oral, handjobs, creampies everywhere, the usual package, but the context is what hits. A sister kneeling in front of you in the school bathroom, terrified someone will come in, swallowing you anyway because you already twisted her head so much she thinks this is how she proves love. You can be gentle or just use the brainwashing excuse to go full degenerate, and yeah, it’s funny how the story pretends to be about panties while you’re filling every hole in that house. Only thing that annoyed me is sometimes the game makes you walk back and forth like an idiot just to trigger a small tease scene that lasts ten seconds, then you forget what you were even trying to unlock, but then someone bends over and you’re back on board. It’s trashy and over the line and somehow that fits perfectly with this weird “future version” of the cartoon where everyone grew up a bit and also turned into walking sex targets. Not subtle, not classy, but if you want Lincoln buried under his own personal loud harem, this thing does not hold back.

Can’t lie, I clicked expecting another copy-paste anime mashup with the usual stiff models and dead-eyed moans, but this one hits different. There’s a sadness under all that skin, like someone coded their fantasies too carefully, you know? I found myself staring at Raven’s face - Batman’s Raven - and thinking, “she shouldn’t be looking at me like that,” while still dragging her into position anyway. Unreal how fast guilt turns into hunger when the animation breathes just right. And maybe it’s because of the Illusion engine doing its sneaky physics thing, or maybe because the transitions are almost clumsy, like real people fumbling with clothes and patience. It’s messy, which makes it hot.

The scenes jump from universes without pretending to make sense. One second I’m in some broken-down Capsule Corp lab, Bulma smirking like she *planned* to get caught; next, Yoruichi’s toes press against my chest, laughing, telling me to look up. I did. Of course I did. The voyeur mode feels wrong in the best possible way - it doesn’t even give you fake morality options, just lets you watch. But then again, maybe that’s lazy design. Or genius. Hard to tell when your brain’s half-melted. The weird part? The sound mix changes depending on position, so D.Va sounds distant if she turns away. I swear no one ever gets audio that intimate, not even those overpriced VR patches on Steam.

Anyway, I could say it’s perfect, but I won’t. Some things twitch too mechanically - the faces sometimes freeze mid-expression, like they remember they’re code. Yet that’s also the charm. You see the seams, and you keep touching them. Like rubbing a wound for pleasure. Half the cast shouldn’t exist in the same space - Orihime beside Tifa beside Samus - but here they crowd my screen like they’ve been waiting forever. Maybe that’s why it works: it’s absurd, obscene, familiar, and somehow lonelier than expected. I closed the browser and immediately reopened it. Couldn’t help it.