the whole thing is basically what if pokemon but the professor is missing and the only thing waiting for you is his wife. delia ketchum. yeah that delia. the one from the show. except now she's got proportions that would make a jynx blush and she's apparently running some kind of unofficial pokemon daycare that only accepts one very specific type of deposit.

i spent way too long clicking around the lab. there's notes everywhere but who cares about notes when mrs ketchum is standing right there in an apron that's fighting for its life. the game knows what you're here for. it doesn't pretend otherwise. you find some "valuable research" which is probably just a grocery list but it triggers the encounter and suddenly you're not thinking about starter pokemon anymore.

the animation is rough. like really rough. looks like someone made it in flash while their mom was vacuuming in the next room. but somehow that adds to it? it's got this bootleg newgrounds energy that makes everything feel dirtier than it probably is. the blowjob scene has this weird looping thing where her head moves like a broken animatronic for a second and i couldn't stop laughing but also couldn't stop watching. the cumshot lands with all the grace of a poorly compressed jpeg from 2007. chef's kiss.

there's no pikachu. there's no charmander. there's just delia and her massive mommy milkers and a meet and fuck setup that would make professor oak disown his own grandson. the whole thing runs in browser which means you can alt tab faster than ash losing a league match when you hear footsteps. not that i would know. the dialogue is whatever. nobody's winning a nebula award here. but you're not clicking through text boxes for the plot. you're clicking because somewhere in pallet town a milf is waiting and apparently the only way to become a pokemon master is through her.

I fired this up on my phone during a truly horrible bus ride, the kind where the AC doesn't work and someone's playing terrible music through a speaker, and honestly I needed the distraction. The pixel art here is what you'd expect from a quick hentai game, rough around the edges, but Mai is recognizable enough if you squint. She's bent over, that iconic outfit conveniently missing, and Andy is just... there. A pair of legs and that one massive attribute, you know the one. The game doesn't waste time with story. No intros about the King of Fighters tournament, just straight to the back alley or whatever this blurry background is supposed to be.

The mechanics are dead simple. You got two buttons, one for her pussy, one for her ass. Choosing the anal option triggers a loop where Mai makes this strained face that's supposed to look pained but her pixel eyebrows just kind of wiggle. It's almost funny. Almost. The doggystyle angle means you're mostly staring at a wall of flesh and her hair ribbon bouncing with each thrust. Pull out and switch holes mid-stroke, the game doesn't care, there's no real progression meter, just a hidden clock ticking until the finish. I kept tapping her ass just to see if the expression would change. It didn't. A small complaint that will haunt me, why give her a shocked face for one second and then revert to neutral? Commit to the bit.

The finale is a choice between a creampie and pulling out to paint her back. I went for the creampie and the animation for the, uh, payload is absurdly generous. Like a fire hose of white pixels. It completely covers the lower half of the screen. I had to wipe my screen not because of the content but because a smudge made it look like I'd already been playing for hours. The cumshot sound effect is a stock squelch I swear I've heard in a flash game from 2005. Mixed with the tinny KOF soundbite of Andy yelling some attack name which is completely the wrong context, it becomes this weird auditory mess. Honestly, it's a functional tool for what it is, nothing more. Don't go in expecting the nuanced dynamics of their actual relationship from the source material, it's been reduced to the rawest form.

Twilight Sparkle’s ass has no right being that fat. The animation is a total mashup, clearly ripped from different sources and stitched together with the grace of a drunk surgeon. Rainbow Dash pops in and out of frame like she’s late for a weather patrol, and the lighting shifts between shots so drastically you’d think Equestria has three different suns. But then Twilight bends over and the whole mess suddenly makes a weird kind of sense.

The rubbing mechanic is basically just dragging your cursor back and forth while canned moans play. It’s primitive. Feels like something you’d find buried on Newgrounds in 2007. But the sound design, holy shit, the wet squelching when you switch to anal is disgustingly good. Someone actually cared about that part. The vaginal scenes are whatever, standard pony porn affair, but the anal sequences have this gross commitment to detail that caught me off guard. Rainbow’s cumshot scene at the end is animated with more frames than the entire rest of the game combined. Priorities, I guess.

The whole thing crashes if you click too fast during the threesome bit. Not a bug, apparently, just a feature of this janky browser player they used. Took me four tries to get through without the screen freezing on Twilight’s horrified expression mid orgasm. Actually made me laugh out loud. For something that looks like it was assembled in a fever dream by someone who just discovered Flash decompilers, it delivers exactly what the tags promise. Big ass, rubbing, cumshots, no pretense. Dare to play it alone, or invite company?

The gym minigame is broken. Not like, crash to desktop broken, but the numbers don't add up. You click the dumbbell, your strength goes up by one, but the energy bar drops by like a third. Meanwhile the university study action takes the same energy but gives you intelligence AND sometimes a random cash bonus. Makes no sense. I spent my first ten minutes just grinding pushups while my little grey alien got progressively more exhausted, and for what? The first girl you meet at the club doesn't even check your strength stat. She checks your confidence. Which you can only raise by working at the office. Which requires money. Which requires... you see where this is going.

The fucking itself is straightforward. Point and click. The alien's little proboscis thing extends, the girl moans, numbers go up. There's this one redhead in the library who has a whole corruption arc if you keep visiting her, starts with shy handjobs between the shelves and escalates to full invasion stuff in the bathroom. The sound design during those scenes is just wet squelching noises on loop. It's kind of hilarious actually. I had to mute it after the third encounter because it started sounding like someone stepping in mud.

The eating mechanic is where it gets weirdly compelling. You have to balance your budget between instant noodles and actual nutritious food, and if you eat garbage too many days in a row your energy recovery tanks. There's this whole hidden metabolism system the tutorial never explains. I discovered it by accident when my alien got fat and the club girls started rejecting me. Had to spend a week doing cardio. In a porn game. I'm not even mad, that's just funny. The invasion tag makes it sound like some grand conquest but really it's just you, one horny extraterrestrial, trying to get laid while managing a sleep schedule and a part time job. Peak adulthood simulator with tentacles.

The first problem is 12 + 7 and I typed 19, which got me a "correct" and a boob flash. So far so normal. But then by question four the numbers ballooned to something like 847 / 23 and I was sitting there with my phone calculator open because who can do that mentally while half distracted. The core loop, if you even call it that, is just a text field over a static hentai background that reveals a little more skin for each right answer. No skin system, no unlockable gallery, just incremental glimpses like a weird digital strip poker where you are only playing yourself.

The art has that distinct early Flash game smell to it, thick lines and impossibly proportioned boobs that defy all physics. A specific frame came up after question seven, the math part completely left my brain, and I just stared at the shading on a collarbone. Who drew this? Because the face was wonky, one eye slightly larger, but the way they rendered the curve of a tit spilling out of a latex top was almost… tender. And then the next question was 144 squared and I hated everything again. The contrast is jarring. Porn and arithmetic. Two great tastes that taste bizarre together. My brain kept trying to find a pattern, like maybe harder math leads to lewder reveals, but no, it's random. The problems don't get harder in a curve, they spike wildly. A simple subtraction followed by long division. It's like the algorithm is drunk.

There is a blank space where the clothing list should be and I'm weirdly annoyed about it. Halfway through I realized the music was off by default and turning it on added a generic lo-fi beat that was way too loud, mixed poorly over the keyboard tap sounds. I did twelve problems to see a fully topless character and then wondered why they didn't just make a timed unlock. Missed opportunity for a "punishment" mechanic for wrong answers, maybe extra clothes go back on. That would at least add a tension besides my own rusty math skills. The whole thing exists in a strange vacuum where competence gives you porn. It's not good but I finished it, whatever that says about me.

The gold headpiece keeps clipping through her ears. Not in a cute way, more like someone rushed the rigging and called it a day. But then she shifts her hips and suddenly I don't care about vertex weights anymore because Ankha's got that look. You know the one. The "I'm a royal cat from ancient Egypt and you're just a villager who owes back taxes on turnips" expression.

The whole thing loops in this sandy chamber with hieroglyphics that are probably just random symbols but whatever. She starts with a titfuck that feels mechanical until you notice her tail twitching at the exact wrong moment. Animation's choppy but intentional, like those old Flash loops from Newgrounds before everything got smooth and boring. Her mouth opens wide for the blowjob sequence and the sound design is just... absent. No wet noises, no background music, just the faint hum of your own laptop fan reminding you this is real life.

There's a moment during the girl on top position where her fur texture does something weird, stretches across the screen like taffy. I laughed. Then kept watching. The cumshot lands somewhere near her collar and just stays there, glistening wrong, a flat sprite pasted onto a moving model. But here's the thing about Animal Crossing porn. It works because it shouldn't. Ankha's been internet famous since Pocket Camp dropped and someone decided she needed a side hustle. The Egyptian aesthetic carries this whole production. Gold bangles jangling with each thrust. That striped headdress never falling off no matter how vigorously she bounces.

Wish there was a way to switch angles. Stuck watching from the same spot while she cycles through her routine like a broken automaton at a museum exhibit. Actually maybe that's the point. She's not supposed to feel alive. She's a collectible. A smug little artifact who just happens to have excellent hip control and zero shame about demonstrating it in an endless loop.

The first time Joffrey pulls out that crossbow I actually laughed. Not because it's funny but because the game captures his stupid smug face so perfectly you forget you're looking at janky 3d models that probably came from a 2008 rendering tutorial. The textures on Sansa's hair alone. Sometimes it looks like actual fire, sometimes like a bad wig from a Halloween store. Depends on the lighting in the torture chamber I guess.

What gets me is how the choices actually matter in ways that feel gross. Not mechanically gross, emotionally gross. You pick dialogue options trying to survive and every single one leads to something awful. Tell Cersei what she wants to hear? She still has the Mountain visit you later. Try to be defiant? Joffrey gets creative with that crossbow. The anal scene with Gregor is genuinely hard to watch, not because of the graphics (those are serviceable at best) but because the voice acting, or what passes for it, sells the desperation. Sansa's whimpering loops in a way that drills into your skull after about thirty seconds.

The BDSM elements are there but they're not the fun kind. This isn't a kink game, it's a suffering simulator. The *** scenes don't pull punches and the teen tag is there for a reason, she's written as young and terrified. Littlefinger's path leads to Ramsay and honestly that's worse than staying in King's Landing. At least Joffrey is predictably cruel. Ramsay's scenes have this randomness to them that made me alt-tab once just to breathe.

The interface is clunky. Sometimes clicking a choice does nothing for five seconds. The sound design is inconsistent, one scene will have ambient torture chamber noises and the next is dead silent except for grunting. But that silence? Somehow worse than the screaming.

The whole thing runs on a loop, which is honestly more hypnotic than it has any right to be. You got Cody, looking like he just walked out of a parole hearing, and Poison, who is... well, the eternal question, right? The game doesn't answer it, it just hands you a toggle. Cock or pussy. Pick one. The animation doesn't change much, just the equipment, and that's the entire joke. A one button existential crisis.

Cody's got this massive, almost clinically rendered dick and he's just going to town on Poison's ass with the enthusiasm of a man who's been in prison a while. The physics are janky, like a flash animation from a forgotten corner of Newgrounds, but there's a specific weight to the thrusts that works. Poison's giant, ridiculous tits bounce with a rhythm that's almost separate from the rest of her body. You can almost hear the slapping sound effect that isn't there. The whole thing is this grimy, unpolished hentai take on Street Fighter that feels like a dirty secret you found on a zip disk.

Then the cumshot. It's not just a shot, it's a weather event. The screen gets absolutely hosed. It's so over the top it loops back around from gross to genuinely funny. Like, who hurt the developer? Why is there so much? It just keeps going, painting everything white until the loop resets and Cody is back to pounding away like nothing happened. The 3 on 1 tag is a lie, by the way. It's just these two. Maybe the third is the existential dread of Poison's canonical ambiguity. Or the sheer volume of jizz. That could count as a third participant.

Right so Slave Trainer. That’s literally the working title. The game itself tells you it doesn’t have a name yet. The menu is a placeholder jpeg that looks like it was made in MS Paint during a hostage situation. I clicked start anyway because I’m a degenerate with curiosity.

You crash land on a desert continent, except the crash is like two lines of text. No animation, no sound effect, just “you crashed lol now walk.” There’s a queen’s palace full of slaves and you’re supposed to become her personal trainer. The whole thing runs in browser and feels like someone’s first Twine project but hornier. You click around this spaceship interior that’s just a static background with some buttons, then suddenly you’re on sand, then suddenly there’s a palace. The transitions are nonexistent. It’s almost beautiful how little it cares.

The training stuff. You get these vague quest prompts like “train slave 3” and then it’s just clicking through dialogue trees where the writing alternates between surprisingly decent degradation and stuff that reads like google translate had a stroke. One slave kept calling me “master lord sir” which honestly felt accurate for the fever dream quality of this thing. The exploration is clicking different rooms in the palace that all look identical. I spent ten minutes trying to find the throne room and it turned out I was in it the whole time, the background just didn’t change.

There’s something almost hypnotic about how unfinished it is. Like watching a car crash in slow motion but the car is made of horny placeholder art. The quest log is broken in a way where completed quests just linger there forever, haunting you. I kind of respect it. Most adult games try to hide their jank behind flashy renders, this one just wears its incompleteness like a badge. “Name of Game Undecided” indeed. At one point I clicked a door and it just reset my progress to zero. No warning, no error, just back to the crash landing text. I laughed. I cried. I clicked start again.