Sometimes a game just needs a horny ninja with a comically oversized chest and a glowing strap-on sword. That's it. That's the whole elevator pitch. Aiza's city gets invaded by these weird alien things and instead of, I don't know, calling the military or whatever, she just goes full Shinobi Girl on them. You run, you jump, you slash with this... thing. And when I say slash I mean the hit detection feels like it was programmed by someone who was, uh, distracted. Let's just say that.

The aliens, right. They're not here for diplomatic talks. If they grab you, it's over. And the game doesn't shy away from showing exactly what "over" means. There's this one specific enemy, a bigger grey bastard with too many tentacles, who always gets me on the third platform. Always. I've developed a personal grudge. The oral scene that follows is... detailed. Let's leave it at that. The whole thing runs on this janky Flash-era engine where the jump has a weird half-second delay that I'm convinced is intentional to make you fail. I hate it. I've restarted the second level maybe forty times.

The pixel art is basic but the animation loops for the fail states are surprisingly smooth. Someone had priorities. The strapon mechanic isn't just for show either, there's a power-up that makes it glow and do more damage but also the buzzing sound effect is straight out of a free sound library from 2007. I recognize it. Why do I recognize it. What am I doing with my life. Anyway the big tit physics during the run cycle are absurd to the point of being a parody of the genre, like two water balloons fighting for independence, and I can't stop laughing every time she does the double jump. It's not a good game. I'm still playing it. Don't look at me.