god the menu music. it loops every 47 seconds or something, this tinny little piano track that drills into your skull while you're trying to figure out why the fuck a queen of hearts is sitting on top of a seven of clubs and neither of them will budge. you'd think a strip game would have the decency to let you mute it but no. volume slider is there but it resets every round. every. single. round. i measured.

the premise is you're playing what's basically a bastardized version of that old windows solitaire except instead of stacking suits you're clearing the board by matching pairs that add up to thirteen. king is thirteen by itself which feels like cheating. the blonde woman, she's just there in the corner of the screen, this real model not some drawing, and every time you clear a set of cards she loses a piece of clothing. starts with her heels which is a choice. then the dress. then the bra. you get the idea. the game calls itself a logic game but honestly after the first three rounds you realize the card layout is completely random and sometimes you just get dealt a board where the only move is to hit the reshuffle button and watch her put her clothes back on which defeats the entire purpose.

there's this one expression she makes when you're down to the last four cards and you've been staring at them for two minutes straight. this little smirk like she knows you're about to fail. i hate it. i keep playing anyway. the striptease animation is choppy, like someone filmed it on a phone from 2014 and compressed it three times, but there's something about the way she looks directly at the camera during the bra removal that makes the whole broken audio situation almost worth it. almost.

wish there was a way to skip straight to the end sequence without the card part but that's not the point i guess. the point is the frustration. the buildup. the way your hand starts hovering over the mouse when there's only one move left and you know what's coming next. then the music loops again and you remember you can't turn it off and you wonder why you're still here.