The cue ball is pink. That’s the first thing I noticed, like someone spilled Pepto Bismol on the felt. My opponent’s got this weird orange thing going on, and we’re both just smacking balls around at the same time, no turns. It’s pure chaos. I’m lining up a shot on my reds, she’s going for her yellows, and then CLACK, our balls kiss in the middle of the table and my perfect angle goes straight to hell. I cursed out loud, my cat looked at me funny.

The whole gimmick is a race. Pocket all your colors first and you get a “lesbian treat.” Lose, and you drop a level, which feels like a punishment from a horny arcade cabinet. The first time I won, the video that popped up was two models going at it on a pool table, which is on the nose but I’m not complaining. One of them still had chalk dust on her thigh. The physics are jank though, sometimes a ball will rattle in the pocket like it’s reconsidering its life choices before dropping. I swear I had a shot that defied geometry itself, a bank shot that should’ve been impossible, and the game just let it happen. Then the next round, a straight in tap somehow missed. Make it make sense.

Speaking of the models, they’re real, which is a nice change from those dead eyed 3D renders you see everywhere. The video quality is what you’d expect from something that loads in a browser, a bit compressed, but the sounds are clear. You know the sounds. I wish there was more variety in the rewards though, it’s the same couple every time. After three wins I was like, okay, I get it, tongues are involved. The simultaneous play mechanic is actually a cool twist for a billiards game, it forces you to watch her shots while planning yours, a constant low grade panic. Reminds me of trying to play 8 ball at a bar while someone’s yelling about darts. I just wish the collision detection wasn’t so drunk. Sometimes a gentle graze sends a ball flying like it got hit by a truck. Anyway, back to grinding for that next scene, my pink ball just scratched on the break and I need a cigarette.