I swear the dev who made this has never seen a real football match, or maybe they have and just thought, you know what this needs? Four nets. Four. Like some kind of fever dream from a parallel universe where FIFA rules were written by a horny committee. You pick one of four players, all real models apparently, though the photos look like they were taken on a phone from 2007 and then run through a compression algorithm designed by a sadist. The pixelation on the thigh gap of player 3 is a war crime I will never recover from.

The actual game is this weird arcade thing where you just sort of... kick balls into nets. Sometimes the ball physics feel like it's made of helium, other times it's a brick. I scored three times in a row by just holding down one key and looking away to check my actual phone. The strip mechanic is tied to goals, obviously, but the progression is so janky. She loses a sock, then suddenly the bra is gone, then the sock is back? I don't know. I stopped caring about the continuity errors when I realized the whole thing loops after like two minutes. The striptease itself is about as erotic as watching a JPEG slowly decompress on a dial up connection, which honestly might be a kink for someone out there, I'm not judging. The real model tag is doing a lot of heavy lifting here, like calling a hot dog a sandwich.

I wish the nets were at least different colors. They're all white. Four white nets. In a game about stripping. The thematic dissonance is staggering. Anyway the music is a ten second loop of what sounds like a casio keyboard being dropped down stairs and I think I hear it when I close my eyes now. The whole thing has big "made in an afternoon" energy, which, respect honestly, but also my left click finger is tired and I feel nothing.