Tifa’s chest in this thing, it’s like someone inflated a pair of zeppelins and strapped them to a spy. The first green button pops up and suddenly she’s upside down, legs spread, some mechanical arm with too many joints doing things that would make a chocobo blush. I’m clicking. Of course I’m clicking. The buttons are the only thing that moves the scene forward, except half the time they appear when you least expect it, right when she’s making that face. You know the one. Eyes half closed, mouth just slightly open, like she’s about to tell you a secret but instead she just moans and the machine keeps pumping.

The Milk Plant series always had this weird obsession with industrial breeding stations, but now with Tifa it’s like they took the Final Fantasy fanart from 2004 and made it into a clicker. She’s a “spy” supposedly, though she never actually spies on anything, just gets strapped into various restraints while tubes and nozzles and god knows what else attach to her. The 3D model is rough, honestly. Her hair clips through her shoulders during one of the riding animations and I couldn’t stop noticing it. But then the green button flashed and she arched her back and I forgot what I was complaining about.

There’s this moment where she’s on all fours and the camera just lingers on her rear for what feels like forever. No button appears. You just sit there, watching her breathe, waiting. I clicked the screen randomly like an idiot. Eventually the button showed up behind her left thigh, which is a terrible place to put it, but the animation that followed involved a milking apparatus that I won’t describe in polite company. She’s tough, the description says. She never breaks character, even when the machines get creative. That’s the parody part I guess. Tifa would never actually do this. But here we are.