God, my back hurts. The laundry's been beeping for twenty minutes and I'm hiding in the bathroom with my phone. Pussymon. Yeah, that Pussymon. The one that makes you wonder if Nintendo would sue or just have a collective stroke.
The new sexcards actually move now. Not like, Pixar animation, more like a flipbook drawn by a horny teenager who just discovered anatomy. But it works. There's this one with the fire-type Pussymon, the redhead with the ridiculous proportions, and the way her hips... look, I had to put my phone face-down for a second. The "care" system is still there, you know, clicking and rubbing and whatever, but now battling gives you three level points instead of one. Three. So you can actually grind these creatures into sexual maturity through violence, which feels like a statement about something. Not sure what. My kid's tablet game about magical ponies doesn't have this feature, I checked.
Found a bug where a card looped infinitely. Just kept thrusting. Honestly, I didn't report it. Some bugs are features.
The easter egg this month, I won't spoil it, but it involves a tentacle and a surprised expression that made me laugh out loud in a very inappropriate way. My spouse knocked on the door asking if I was okay. I said I was dealing with "digestive issues." The cheats from the Patreon, which I absolutely did not subscribe to because that would show up on our joint bank statement, apparently unlock some truly degenerate stuff. I wouldn't know. A friend told me. The developer says next update has more Pussymons. More. Like I need more reasons to develop carpal tunnel.
The parody is so on-the-nose it wraps back around to being clever. The "Pussymon Professor" looks like he hasn't slept since 1998 and his lab coat is definitely not hiding anything. I wish the battle system had more strategy than just tapping, but honestly, I'm not here for the gameplay. I'm here because sometimes a parent needs to see something utterly ridiculous and obscene to feel alive again. Just clear your browser history. Seriously. Incognito mode exists for a reason.