Right, so the jeans. That's what got me. Not the big anime tits, which are frankly ridiculous, like two beach balls having a disagreement under a sweater. Not the whole setup of a door to door salesman who looks like he moisturizes with pure sleaze. It was the jeans. The way the artist drew the denim texture, this weirdly specific crosshatch pattern that's completely at odds with the rest of the art looking like it was sketched on a napkin during a bumpy bus ride. I stared at those jeans for a solid minute before even clicking. The game is called something forgettable, one of those browser things you find buried on a site with fifty popups.

The opening scene is just him at the door, her answering, and the dialogue is pure uncut nonsense. Something about a special offer on a "personal massager" that he just happens to have in his pocket. It's not even a toy, it's a fucking chrome egg that vibrates. The animation, if you can call it that, is a two frame loop of her hand moving vaguely near her crotch while the egg makes a buzzing sound that's probably a stock effect from a 2005 Flash game. I got a screenshot of her face mid moan, eyes crossed, tongue out, looking less like she's in ecstasy and more like she's trying to remember if she left the stove on. Pure gold for my collection.

You just click through. Click to make the egg buzz harder, click to make her tits jiggle in that weird, weightless hentai way. There's a point where she pulls the toy out and it's glistening with a single, perfectly round drop of fluid that looks like a teardrop emoji. I don't know what I was expecting. The whole thing is maybe five minutes long and the sound design is just the same wet squelch on a loop. I forgot to mention the masturbation tag is the whole point, there's no other gameplay. The salesman just stands there with this shit eating grin, occasionally saying things like "Feel the power of the JeansMaster 3000" which I'm pretty sure isn't even the product's name. I need to go back and check if the jeans texture changes when she finally, you know. I don't think it does. That's a missed opportunity.