Fuck the sparkly vampires. That was my first thought when Bianca started making out with Sara in the back of this grimy van. Not even a real van, just a 3d box with some textures slapped on it that look like they were rendered on a phone from 2014. The lighting is flat, the skin has that weird plastic sheen, and yet here I am, clicking through the dialogue like a degenerate. The game knows what it is. Mr. Bulgur. That's the vampire's name. He's got this dead eyed stare and a jawline that could cut glass, and he's waiting for these two girls to show up. There's this whole setup about them being tired of Twilight, some meta joke that lands about as gracefully as the game's oral animations. Which is to say, not gracefully at all. The blowjob scene has this weird disconnect where the mouth and the, you know, object, don't quite align. There's a lot of clipping. In any other game I'd be screaming at the screen but this one, I don't know, it's almost endearing? Like watching a puppet show where the puppeteer is very drunk but extremely committed.

The forced threesome scenario emerges without much negotiation. It just happens. One click you're picking dialogue options like "Be scared" or "Be not scared" and the next the vampire has both women bent over some ancient tomb furniture. I spent way too long noticing that Sara's ponytail doesn't move. It's just a rigid plastic horn attached to her skull. But the sounds, the sounds are actually not terrible. Wet, sloppy, practical. Someone sat in a room with a microphone and made these noises with real conviction. It made me wonder about the face of the human making vampire saliva sounds for a game called Mr. Bulgur.

The lesbian content before the main event is actually the strongest part. There's a moment where the two women are just exploring each other and the awkwardness of the models somehow makes it feel more intimate, like watching a very amateur but genuinely enthusiastic home video. Then Bulgur shows up and it becomes this mechanical piston filled blood orgy. I wish there was more build up. More dread. More actual vampire lore. What's his deal? Why Bulgur? Is it a grain reference? I'll never know and that tiny unresolved mystery bothers me more than the clipping genitals.