I’m typing this from my office with Slack open in the other window, pretending I’m editing a spreadsheet while actually replaying dialogue in my head from this filthy little space VN. The Pilot drops you straight into being this hotshot rebel pilot who’s supposed to be all “serious war hero”, but let’s be real: the only thing I cared about after ten minutes was how fast I could piss off command and end up alone in a hangar with a certain green-skinned Twi’lek captain and an overly curious blue asari scientist. It’s like someone smashed Mass Effect and Star Wars together in a horny blender, then forgot to clean the mess, and I mean that as a compliment and an insult at the same time. Sometimes the story hits surprisingly hard, then one click later you’re choosing if you want to make a snarky remark while your pants are already suspiciously tight.

What really got me is how the game pretends to be this deep moral journey, with “freedom” and “truth” and all that big talk, but every time I had a big choice my brain went: “Ok but which path gets me naked alien sooner.” There’s a scene early where you’re in the cockpit, stars stretching by, your ship half broken, and Liara-style blue girl is on the comm trying to “run a scan” on you. Dialogue goes from professional to horny in like three lines. I clicked the flirty answer just to see what happens and suddenly she’s talking about how human pilots have “excellent physical stamina” and I’m sitting at my desk pretending to cough so no one hears me laugh. Then later, when you finally meet her in person, the game pulls this slow build, real sci-fi nerd chat about relics and ancient tech, and I’m thinking, wow, pretty solid lore here actually, then the camera just hard-zooms on her tits and my brain resets. It’s dumb. I loved it. I hated that I loved it. Then I loved that I hated that I loved it. Anyway.

The best part for me is when you’re stuck between the blue archaeologist type and the Twi’lek pilot who very clearly could fly a fighter better than you even while riding your dick. There’s a mission briefing where Hera style lady is all business, talking strategy, but the CG keeps slipping her top a bit too low, lekku almost brushing your shoulder. You can choose the professional reply, sure, but if you pick the more cocky option she gives you this look that basically says “I’m going to ride you after the mission, if you survive.” Then the game actually makes you play out that survival, with choices that feel like they matter in the moment, but in the back of your mind you’re thinking, “If I fuck up here do I lose the scene where she pins me to the bunk and uses me like a joystick?” Also there is this tiny thing that drove me crazy: one of the cockpit buttons is labelled in a way that absolutely no pilot would ever use, like “Aux Thruster Button 2” or something stupid, and I stared at it every time it appeared and it pulled me out of the mood for two seconds, then alien boobs appeared and I forgot again. The game is horny, clumsy, surprisingly emotional in random spots, and full of those “shit, I shouldn’t have picked that answer but damn that was hot” moments that you remember later when you’re trying to focus in a Teams meeting.