The card shifting thing, right? That's where they lose me. You're supposed to slide tiles around to make poker hands or something, and the tutorial flashes by in about four seconds of broken English. Something about covering tiles to get the highest score. I spent my first three rounds just randomly swiping like I was on Tinder during an earthquake, and somehow I won? The blonde girl, think her name was Lola or Lana or whatever, she just starts peeling off her top while I'm still trying to figure out why my three of a kind didn't count. Not complaining about the result, but the journey there was a fever dream.

The models are actual real women, not some uncanny valley renders, which is probably the only reason to keep slamming your head against the mechanics. One's a brunette with this smirk that makes you feel like she's already planned your entire failure. The other's blonde, more of a pouty thing. They strip in stages as you beat them, and the animations are... well, they're there. They're functional. Think of a GIF from 2006 that someone compressed one too many times, but the subject matter is a woman slowly pulling down a lace bra, so your standards kind of evaporate. The sound design is just a looping royalty free jazz track that I'm pretty sure I've heard in an elevator in a dentist's office. It's so aggressively unsexy that it loops back around to being hypnotic.

Got stuck on a round where the brunette kept drawing perfect flushes. It was like she was cheating, which honestly, given the rest of the code, she probably was. I'd build up a decent pair, and she'd just lay down a straight flush and that smirk would get wider. The striptease reward after finally beating her felt less like a prize and more like a truce. You see a bit of pixelated nipple and the game just moves on, no fanfare, no climax to the scene, just back to the card tiles. The whole thing has the energy of a forgotten Newgrounds game from the Flash era, which I guess is a vibe if you're into that. It's a strip poker game that forgot to make the poker part make sense and the strip part last long enough to matter. The "threesome" tag is generous, it's more like you're an awkward third wheel at a very poorly organized game night where the hosts occasionally take their clothes off out of sheer boredom.