Fuck me, the card animations. They slide across the felt with this weird little stutter, like the game can't quite remember where the table ends. It's not lag exactly, more like the whole thing was coded during a particularly horny lunch break. But then the blonde, she's got this smirk when she loses a hand, and you forget about the janky UI for a second.

The poker itself is bare bones, five card draw with no bluffing mechanics to speak of. You pick cards to hold, hit draw, and hope the RNG gods are feeling generous. The brunette opponent folds way too often on weak pairs, which is a shame because her strip sequence is the one worth seeing. She does this thing with her skirt, a little shimmy that the animation loop can't quite handle, so it looks like her hips are glitching through the fabric. Honestly, it's hotter than if it worked properly. The real model tag is doing some heavy lifting here, the photos are clearly from some mid-2000s glamour shoot, all airbrushed skin and that specific shade of lip gloss that tastes like cancer and nostalgia.

Wish there was more to the arcade mode. It's just the same two opponents, same table, same everything. You win a round, a piece of clothing vanishes, and the voice clips, god, the voice clips are from a completely different recording session, the volume spikes every time the blonde says "nice hand." Scared the shit out of me the first time. The strip part is functional, gets the job done, but the card game itself is so thin you can see right through it. Like the devs forgot they were making a poker game halfway through and just slapped some jpegs on a basic draw engine. Still, that brunette. That skirt glitch. I'm not even mad.