the whole thing is basically what if pokemon but the professor is missing and the only thing waiting for you is his wife. delia ketchum. yeah that delia. the one from the show. except now she's got proportions that would make a jynx blush and she's apparently running some kind of unofficial pokemon daycare that only accepts one very specific type of deposit.

i spent way too long clicking around the lab. there's notes everywhere but who cares about notes when mrs ketchum is standing right there in an apron that's fighting for its life. the game knows what you're here for. it doesn't pretend otherwise. you find some "valuable research" which is probably just a grocery list but it triggers the encounter and suddenly you're not thinking about starter pokemon anymore.

the animation is rough. like really rough. looks like someone made it in flash while their mom was vacuuming in the next room. but somehow that adds to it? it's got this bootleg newgrounds energy that makes everything feel dirtier than it probably is. the blowjob scene has this weird looping thing where her head moves like a broken animatronic for a second and i couldn't stop laughing but also couldn't stop watching. the cumshot lands with all the grace of a poorly compressed jpeg from 2007. chef's kiss.

there's no pikachu. there's no charmander. there's just delia and her massive mommy milkers and a meet and fuck setup that would make professor oak disown his own grandson. the whole thing runs in browser which means you can alt tab faster than ash losing a league match when you hear footsteps. not that i would know. the dialogue is whatever. nobody's winning a nebula award here. but you're not clicking through text boxes for the plot. you're clicking because somewhere in pallet town a milf is waiting and apparently the only way to become a pokemon master is through her.

Ty Lee on a beach, in a tight swimsuit that honestly looks like it was painted on her, already sounds like someone took the word “horny” and gave it a bending style. The game basically locks you in on this one position with her, which sounds boring when I say it like that, but it’s more like: you get this single scene, and then you just poke and tweak and dirty it up until it’s exactly your flavor of wrong. She’s on her back, legs spread, that bouncy circus-girl body doing all the work, and you’re just there pushing sliders and buttons like some pervy director who only cares about how much jiggle you can squeeze into one screen. At first I thought “ok, this is too basic,” then I caught myself staring at her tits for way too long trying to decide if I want them cute and perky or massive and almost stupid. Spoiler: I went stupid. Body type change hits harder than you expect, especially when you switch to x-ray mid-thrust and see the whole thing inside her, stretching her, that smooth little spine and pelvis outline framing the dick like it’s part of the anatomy class nobody talks about. It feels kinda wrong, and that’s exactly why it works.

The fun part is the clothing stuff, even though it’s super limited. You can peel off her swimsuit piece by piece, like you’re undressing a doll that absolutely isn’t for kids. Top off, nipples out, then pull the bottom aside and suddenly the soft, cheerful Ty Lee from the show becomes this eager fucktoy with her pussy glistening and ready. Or just yank everything away and watch her go full nude while the waves are in the background pretending this is a normal day at the beach. I like to start with her fully dressed, slow strokes, her cheeks shaking inside that swimsuit, then mid-animation pull the fabric away so her pussy pops into view, already taking the dick, as if the clothes were never really in the way. The switch between vaginal and anal is so simple it’s almost rude: click, and boom, same position, different hole, her tight little asshole spreading around the shaft while her face sells that mix of pain and filthy pleasure. You can flip back and forth like some twisted channel surfing. One second you’re filling her pussy, next second you’re burying it in her ass, and every time she gets covered in cum, facial dripping down her chin or cream filling her insides until the white outline shows up in the x-ray, like a marker saying “yeah, you ruined her properly.” It’s honestly hot as fuck, and also kind of lazy, but sometimes you don’t need big systems or deep story or whatever; you just need Ty Lee’s big tits bouncing while she gets pounded in the sand and that stupid little smile stuck on her face like she’s having the time of her life or maybe she’s just too dumb to complain. Hard to tell. Doesn’t matter. You’ll still finish.

My brain still stuck on that one little detail, you know? The way her skirt just refuses to stay down. Not in a glitchy, broken way but in a deliberate, physics defying, I am a degenerate artist and I know what you came here for kind of way. The game is called Umichan Maiko Classroom Havoc, or UMCH if you're in the know, and the whole thing runs on this janky first person mod energy that feels like stumbling onto someone's unhinged Flash project from 2006. It's not trying to be realistic, thank god. The big tits have their own gravitational pull and the uniform is basically just a suggestion at this point. The whole thing loads with a pink screen sometimes and you just have to sit there, patient like a good boy, waiting for the chaos to load.

Found it through the creator's patreon, vortex00, which is also the password for the tablet scenes. That's the kind of galaxy brain move I can respect. Unlocking the tablet feels like cracking a safe full of dumb, horny secrets. The questline here is just one slice of a bigger game but it's got that obsessive focus I crave. You're basically in this classroom and she's there, this student, and the humor is so stupidly blunt. One animation has her reacting to... something... with this over the top comical expression that just breaks any tension and then immediately rebuilds it. The sound design is a mess of missing scenes and sudden music stings that somehow makes the whole experience more intimate, like you're seeing the creator's folders laid bare. Fucking love that.

Wish there was more of the possessive, yandere style dialogue though. It's more of a goofy chaos sim than a psychological horror romance, which is a crime against my specific interests. But then she does this little bounce animation, completely on purpose, and I forget what I was complaining about. The patreon link being the password is such a power move. Support it so we can get more of this unpolished, perfect filth. Maybe next chapter she'll finally snap and lock the classroom door. A girl can dream.

The tree is still up, dried needles all over the floor, that shitty Christmas playlist still looping on YouTube from three days ago. The baubles are those cheap plastic ones that catch the light wrong. Alone on New Year's. I clicked through the same three dialogue options with a redhead in a Santa hat dress that's more of a suggestion. Her tits are, frankly, ludicrous. Unignorable. The rendering on them is where all the effort went, you can tell, that subtle bounce physics when she shifts weight from one heel to the other, the way the cheap fabric stretches. Her face has this one expression, kind of a stuck smirk, like the artist drew it once and copy-pasted it for every emotional beat. The apartment background is blurry in that specific way that screams stock asset flip, a flat JPEG of a living room with zero depth.

Right, so nobody comes to your party, pathetic vibe, then a knock. It's her. "Maybe a little luck for you, too?" is the pickup line, displayed with a typo that made me actually snort. The dialogue tree is basically: be a creep, be a slightly less direct creep, or compliment her... hat. Picking the compliment just loops back to the same horny prompt anyway, so why even pretend there's a choice. The voice acting, if you can call it that, is just these short gasps and giggles on repeat, a sample pack of moans that cycles. The climax animation, when you finally min-max the dialogue right, has this specific static PNG of a cumshot that appears for maybe two full seconds longer than it should, just pixelated enough to wonder if it was upscaled from a 2007 forum signature. The whole thing crashes in Firefox mobile. I reloaded three times, just to see the final art again, which I can't decide is a testament to my own depravity or a genuine, accidental piece of shlock brilliance that hits exactly the right, very specific itch. The winter party theme slaps, I won't lie. But that one strand of hair clipping through her shoulder right at the crucial moment, I can't unsee it.

The collision detection on the cumshot is all over the place. Sometimes it lands on her chin, sometimes it clips through her shoulder and hits the wall behind the hotel lobby. I spent way too long trying to angle Brian just right, like some kind of Unity physics detective, only to realize the hitbox for her tits is basically a big invisible cube. That's the thing with these browser games, they always promise the world and then the jiggle bones are set to 0.2 stiffness. Still, there's a moment where one of the big women, I think her name is something with an M, just picks Brian up like a stress ball and the whole screen shakes. The oral scene is the main event though. She's got these massive lips and Brian just disappears. The scale difference is the whole point, right? Small man, big woman, the classic size kink. But then the camera angle switches and you can see his little legs kicking and it's more funny than hot.

The story is whatever. Brian is a cleaner, women got big, now he's a human dildo. No one cares about the lore. The UI is clunky, the dialogue has typos, and the sound effects sound like someone slapping a wet towel against a desk. But the core fantasy is there. The domination angle works because the women are genuinely huge, not just taller. They fill the frame. The dev clearly spent all their budget on the breast physics and none on the background, which is just a blurry hallway texture reused three times. I respect that.

One thing that bugs me is the skip button. It's there, but it only skips like half the animation. So you're stuck watching the same three frames of a blowjob loop while the audio stutters. Also the cumshot finishes too fast. Like, two pumps and it's over. For a game about giant women, that's a weak release. But then again, maybe that's the joke. Brian is a small man, after all.

The whole thing feels like a spreadsheet with tits, which is maybe the point. You got this blonde, Lena or whatever, and you push her through scenes, upgrade her skills, watch numbers go up. The pickup line mechanic is stupid fun though. You get these dialogue options before a shoot, like you're speed dating but the goal is to get her to do anal on camera. Half the lines are so bad they'd get you slapped in a real bar, but here they work if your charisma stat is high enough. I kept picking the sleaziest ones just to see the reactions. She rolled her eyes once and still did the scene, so realism isn't exactly the priority.

The manager sim part is grindy as hell. Click this, wait for energy, click that. But then you unlock a lesbian scene with the other blonde and suddenly you forget the boring UI. Big tits everywhere, physics that don't make sense but who cares. The 3D models look like they were made by someone who learned Blender from a YouTube tutorial in 2016, but the animations during sex are decent enough. Not that I was paying attention to the faces.

Wish there was more variety in the quests. It's always "do three photoshoots, then a blowjob scene, then repeat." The RPG elements are shallow, like the skill tree has maybe four branches and one of them is literally just "bigger cumshots." I don't know why I expected depth from a game called Rise of the Pornstar. The blonde gets famous, you get money, you buy her a boob job, repeat. It's fine. Not great, not terrible. Just fine.

One thing that bugged me, the camera angles during the simulator parts are fixed. You can't rotate, can't zoom, nothing. For a porn game that's a weird choice. Anyway, the sound effects are stock as hell. Same wet noise every time.

Harley Quinn's tits are just... there. Right in the middle of the screen while you're supposed to be hunting for differences between two nearly identical panels. Who designed this? A genius or a sadist. The first spot difference had me staring at her chest for a solid minute before I realized the clock in the background was missing a hand. Gogo Tomago shows up too, all anime curves and that same blank expression whether you find the difference or not.

The timer ticks down and suddenly a glowing circle appears around the spot you missed. Like the game is saying "hey dummy, look here." But the hints feel random sometimes, pointing at nothing while you're still fixated on how Harley's outfit somehow got shinier in the second image. Wait no, that was just the screen glare from my phone. Happened twice. The whole thing runs in browser so you can just keep a tab open, pretend you're working on something important, then click around frantically when nobody's looking.

Sound design is basically nonexistent except for this little chime when you tap the right spot. Feels almost sarcastic after you've been poking at Harley's thigh for thirty seconds. The second level threw me because suddenly Gogo's pose shifted slightly and I couldn't tell if that was the actual difference or if my eyes were playing tricks. They weren't. She moved. Or maybe the artist just got lazy between frames. The whole thing has this rough, unpolished feel like someone drew it during a lunch break while thinking about other things. Probably the same things I'm thinking about. The third difference in the last set was literally just a missing button on Harley's top and I only found it because the hint system gave up and practically screamed at me. Worth it though.

I remember the exact moment I realized this wasn't a game. It's a trivia quiz. A One Piece trivia quiz. And if you get the answers right, you unlock hentai images. That's the whole thing. No animation, no interaction beyond clicking multiple choice buttons. The "flash game" tag is doing some heavy lifting here, it's more like a PowerPoint with a libido.

The questions themselves are weirdly specific. Like, who was the first person to eat the Mera Mera no Mi after Ace died? I actually knew that one, Sabo, but then it asked something about a filler arc character's grandmother's hometown and I just started guessing. The difficulty curve is a brick wall. You'll breeze through early stuff about Luffy's bounty then suddenly need an encyclopedic knowledge of episode 387's background extras. And the punishment for failure? You just don't get to see Nami's tits. Which, given the art quality, might actually be a reward.

The gallery itself. Look, I've seen some rough hentai. This has that specific late-2000s Flash portal energy where everything is slightly off-model and the anatomy makes choices. Nami's proportions are less "anime pirate" and more "someone described a woman to an alien who then sculpted her from memory." There's a scene with Robin that I think is supposed to be anal but the perspective is so confused I spent thirty seconds trying to figure out which limb was which. Perona shows up too, looking like she wandered in from a completely different art style. The whole thing has this crusty JPEG compression that somehow makes it more authentic, like you're accessing something forbidden from a 2008 browser history.

The Vivi content is probably the highlight, if you can call anything here a highlight. She's got this expression that's meant to be ecstasy but reads more like mild indigestion. The *** tag is present but it's so poorly executed it's almost abstract, you can't really tell what's happening without the context clues from the dialogue snippets. Which aren't translated. They're just... there. Japanese text floating next to questionable anatomy. I spent more time trying to answer trivia about the Davy Back Fight than actually enjoying any of this. Why did I keep going? The completionist brain rot is real.

The whole thing feels like someone animated a porno with the leftover assets from a medical fetish fever dream. Mr. Johnson, this absolute unit of a patient, walks in and the doctor and nurse just... give up on medicine. Their stethoscopes might as well be costume jewelry. What gets me is the sound design, or lack of it, the slapping noises are so aggressively mixed they clip like a bad discord call. But then the nurse does this thing where she looks right at the camera and her eyes are completely dead, like a fish at the market, and I laughed so hard I nearly choked. It's terrible, but it's a specific flavor of terrible you can't look away from.

The big selling point, I guess, is the end choice. The whole game is just a ramp up to a single cumshot, and you get to pick the canvas. Face or tits, the classic debate. I went with the doctor first because she has this perpetually annoyed expression, like she’s calculating malpractice insurance in her head while getting railed. The animation for the final scene is so janky, the load just sort of... materializes. No physics, no weight, just a sudden white texture appearing like a glitch. It’s almost abstract art. Almost.

The sex itself, if you can call it that, is like watching two crash test dummies with the rigidity settings turned to maximum. The rough sex tag is accurate only because the jackhammer motion looks physically painful for everyone involved. There’s no fluidity, just a loop of a pelvis thrusting while the big tits flop around with independent, chaotic energy. I spent more time trying to figure out the weird shadow under the examination table than actually, you know. It’s a mess. A beautiful, horny, unpolished mess where a guy with a dick like a fire hydrant just goes to town. Don’t think about the plot, there isn’t one. It’s just a delivery system for the creampie and the facial, and on that single, lonely metric, it succeeds.