What if Eurovision but instead of singing, the whole thing was about who can get their dick out in the most dramatic way possible? That's the energy here. Our guy, some nobody with a dream and apparently a very flexible schedule, wants to be on Sexovision. The whole joke is he doesn't even know where the audition is. Like, the central conflict is a logistical error. I respect that.

The art is deliberately crusty. Not in a bad way, just looks like someone drew it on a bus. The host lady has these massive, physics-defying tits that just sort of exist in their own gravitational field. You click around, trying to find the right sequence of events to get on stage. There's a moment with a backstage pass that made me laugh because the solution is so stupidly simple but I kept clicking on a potted plant for five minutes. Why was the plant even clickable? Never figured it out.

Actually the whole uniform tag is doing a lot of heavy lifting here. It's not sexy uniforms, it's like, a guy in a bad sequin jacket and a woman who might be a presenter from a country that doesn't exist. The sex scene, when you finally trigger it, is this frantic, almost angry animation loop. Lots of pixelated thrusting. The sound design, if you can call it that, is just a royalty free beat that sounds like it's being played through a tin can. I had to mute the tab because it was scaring my cat. But then I unmuted it because the silence was worse. The humor is the only thing that saves it from being completely forgettable. The dialogue is so blunt it circles back to being charming. "I show you my talent now." No foreplay, just a statement of intent. Reminds me of those weird flash games from 2005 you'd find on a site that also gave your computer seventeen viruses. This one probably won't do that, but the aesthetic is spot on. The ending is just... it stops. No climax, just a fade to black. Maybe that's the parody? The real Sexovision was the confusion we found along the way.

The gear shift knob has this cheap, hollow plastic feel that makes my palm itch. Not the good kind of itch. You know when you touch something and immediately want to wipe your hand on your pants? That's the first thing I noticed about this game. The cars handle like shopping carts with a stuck wheel and the engine sounds are clearly some guy making vroom noises into a tin can. But here's the thing, I kept playing.

Maybe it's the way the girl's tits bounce when you drift. The physics on the cars are garbage but the tit physics? Someone spent time on those. They move with this weighty, pendulum swing that feels almost hypnotic. You're supposed to be focusing on hitting the apex of a corner but instead you're watching the passenger seat like a creep. She's got these muscles too, not like bodybuilder gross but that sleek, defined look where you can see the quad separation when she shifts in her seat. The game calls it Vin Diesel charm but it's really just winning races and then getting a scene where she's all over you. The first time I won, I actually leaned closer to the screen without thinking. The sound design during those moments is just wet noises and heavy breathing, nothing fancy, but it works.

The parody stuff is barely there. I think one character is supposed to be from some anime but honestly I couldn't tell you which one. The fast car thing is funny because nothing feels fast. You're supposedly doing 200mph but it looks like a leisurely Sunday drive. The arcade mode has this weird rubber banding where the AI lets you catch up if you fall behind, which is nice I guess but also makes winning feel hollow. Like she's congratulating you for something you didn't really earn. The muscle girls are the best part visually, all that definition and then these impossibly big tits that somehow don't look bolted on. I wish the racing was better. I wish the whole thing wasn't so janky. But I also wish I could stop thinking about that one scene where she grabs the steering wheel and her arm flexes just right. The browser runs it fine most of the time, though it chugged once during a three car pileup and I had to refresh. Lost my progress. Didn't even care that much. The grind to unlock the next girl isn't terrible, maybe five or six races each, and the loading screens are just static images but they're the same images you're trying to unlock so it's like a preview. My keyboard has this sticky spacebar now from something unrelated and every time I press it to accelerate I get reminded of that. The whole experience is like that, really. Unpolished and sticky and somehow still running.

I thought she'd be harder to catch, honestly. The woman keeps smiling at me from behind bushes with these big cartoon tits and blonde hair like she walked out of a joke I'm not in on. Charlie the Cock Hunter, it's called. A parody. Yes. You hunt cocks. Not crocodiles. She's got the khaki shirt, the accent is somewhere between Australian and pure horny confusion, and every time I click the wrong tuft of grass my pants get tighter from frustration more than anything.

The whole thing looks like a flash game your school blocked in 2006. Sounds are stock, the type you'd get from a library called "jungle ambience lite" but who cares? I'm here for the facial scenes that unlock after a successful catch. The choice mechanic is weird though. You see movement in three bushes. Pick one. Maybe it's a rare pink cock with wings, maybe it's a dud that just wiggles and disappears. After three wrong clicks Charlie sighs and the day ends and you get nothing. A dry run. Literally. Then on the fourth try you snag something and the reward is immediate. Big messy cumshot right across her face, tongue out, that specific ahegao expression that makes you wonder if the artist was rushing or genuinely into it. There's a gallery filling up with captures. I check it too often. It's like a pokedex but for dick variants and I'm ashamed by proxy.

One scene her shirt gets torn during the struggle with a particularly aggressive one. Tits bounce out. It's not even smooth animation, more like two frames, but something about the crudeness works. The game never pretends to be more than it is. You click bushes, she blows the catch, you unlock a slightly different angle of the same messy finish. I kept expecting depth. A hunting upgrade? Different lubes? Nothing. Just the same loop getting less and less clothed. Her expression barely changes. Still smiling. Still ready for the next one.

The whole thing runs on a weird energy where Charlie is already tied up and the plane crash is basically a footnote. You get a choice early on about whether to check on her or go straight for the dress, and honestly the dress option is the funnier one. It's not a visual novel with deep branching, more like a slideshow with a few decision points that loop back. The cake scene caught me off guard because it's not even a sex scene, just this bizarre moment where Wonder Whore stops mid rescue to eat cake while Charlie is still gagged in the background. That kind of tonal whiplash is the whole appeal.

The parody stuff is thin but works if you know the source material. Diana Prince shows up, but she's not really Diana, she's just a busty stand in with the same color scheme. The twins tag is misleading, there's a pair of enemy goons who look identical but they don't do anything twin specific. One of them has a line about "remaining" that made me laugh because it's so clearly a translation artifact. The breast physics are exaggerated to the point of comedy, like someone turned the jiggle slider to eleven and then broke the slider off.

The sex scenes are short loops with minimal interaction. You can toggle between positions but there's no real feedback. The humor carries it more than the lewd content, which is rare for these parody games. There's a moment where Charlie's expression doesn't change at all during a supposedly intense scene and it becomes unintentionally hilarious. I kept clicking through just to see what weird non sequitur would pop up next. The ending is abrupt, no real resolution, just a freeze frame and a text box that says something about tuning in next time. It's sloppy but in a way that feels deliberate, like the creator knew exactly what they were making and didn't pretend otherwise.

Martha Screwfart is what happens when someone watches a cooking show and thinks, what if the host was a total slut and her assistant was Charlie, and neither of them could boil water without setting the kitchen on fire. The whole thing is a parody, obviously, but it leans so hard into the dumb humor that you almost forget you're here for the sex. Almost. The kitchen set looks like a budget TV studio, all bright lights and fake counters, and Martha's blonde hair is bigger than her actual cooking skills. Charlie just stands there with that look, like she's already planning to fuck the mixing bowl.

The choices are where it gets weirdly fun. You pick what they do next, and half the time it's something like "use the whisk" or "bend over the counter" and the game just rolls with it. There's a moment where Martha tries to explain a recipe and Charlie interrupts by grabbing her tits, and the dialogue is so stupid it circles back to being hot. The lesbian stuff is front and center, no dudes, just these two going at it while a pot of something burns in the background. I kept waiting for a health inspector to walk in, but no, it's just nonstop milf energy and bad puns about cocking instead of cooking.

The humor is the real draw, honestly. It's not trying to be high art, it's a dumb TV show parody with explicit scenes stitched in. Some of the choices feel pointless, like they all lead to the same grinding animation, but the writing carries it. I did get annoyed that the kitchen timer never stops beeping in one scene, just a tiny thing that stuck with me. If you like your porn with a side of complete nonsense, this is it. If you want a serious visual novel, go watch actual cooking shows and cry.

The whole thing is a clicker, which I guess makes sense for a training flashback. You click on Anko’s tits and they get bigger. That’s the mechanic. I don’t know why her breast expansion is tied to a combo meter but it is, and the meter resets if you miss the rhythm. I spent way too long just watching the numbers go up, forgetting there was supposed to be a creampie at the end. The art is that old Naruto XXX flash style where everyone looks slightly melted, like a popsicle left on a summer sidewalk. Anko’s fishnet shirt is painted on in a way that defies physics, which is exactly what I wanted from a parody.

Naruto himself is just a silhouette of a hard cock with some blonde spikes at the top. You don’t see his face for most of it. The focus is entirely on Anko Mitarashi riding him, her pussy taking the whole length while she talks about how he’s a real man now, not her ancient pupil. The dialogue is broken English, stuff like “you make me feel so full with your hero cock,” and it loops every few clicks. There’s a moment where she spreads her legs and the animation stutters, her big boobs freezing mid-bounce while the cumshot meter keeps filling. It’s a mess. A hot mess, but a mess.

The brunette kunoichi’s ass gets its own separate click zone later, which the game doesn’t tell you. I found it by accident when my cursor drifted. That unlocked a different ending where the cum load goes inside her pussy instead of the default one. Or maybe it’s the same ending. The game crashed my browser tab right as the creampie scene started, so I only saw a single frame of the white pixels before everything went black. I reloaded. The save didn’t keep. I clicked her tits again. They got bigger again. I don’t know if I finished it or if it finished me.

Honestly the first thing I noticed was how rough the whole thing looks. Like someone made it in a weekend with default Unity assets and a dream. The brunette model, who's supposed to be Tifa from that one RPG, just sort of... stands there. The lighting is flat, the textures are blurry, and there's this weird delay when you move the mouse that makes controlling the thrusting feel disconnected. It's a doggystyle scene, fixed camera, and you basically wiggle your cursor back and forth to simulate fucking.

The whole loop is simple. Get her to cum, then you can undress her piece by piece. There's a minigame element I guess, where you can cum on her ass up to five times before you have to clean it off to continue. The cleanup mechanic is just a button click, nothing interactive, which feels like a missed opportunity. And clicking her boobs does something, a little bounce animation and a sound effect that made me laugh the first time but got old fast. It's a parody, so I wasn't expecting deep lore, but even the Final Fantasy reference is just the character model's hair and outfit.

I spent way too long trying to get the rhythm right because the sensitivity is all off. One moment you're barely moving, the next you've finished without meaning to. The cumshot effect itself is just a white splatter texture that appears, no physics or anything. After the fifth load, the ass is covered and you literally can't progress until you hit the clean button. It's such a strange limitation, like the developer was afraid you'd have too much fun. The undressing is the only real progression, and once she's fully naked, that's it. No new positions, no dialogue, just the same loop.

I kept playing because I'm a completionist and wanted to see if anything unlocked. Nothing did. It's the kind of game you open when you're bored and close ten minutes later feeling vaguely unsatisfied. The lack of polish almost becomes its own charm, like a shitpost that accidentally got uploaded to a hentai site. But that charm wears thin fast. The sound design is just one looping moan track that doesn't sync with the action, and the silence when you're cleaning up is awkward.

God, that hair. It's the first thing that hooks you, isn't it? That impossible shade of corn silk blonde that only exists in a Toriyama drawing, spiked up and defying gravity like she just walked off the page. And the face they gave her, that permanent little scowl she had in the Cell saga, it's all there. The weird thing is, the rest of the model is weirdly proportioned if you stare too long. Not the sexy parts, those are fine. I mean her shoulders. They're off. Like a Funko Pop that someone stretched out in a taffy puller. Spend five minutes zoomed in on the clavicle area and you'll see it. I can't unsee it now.

But nobody's here for an anatomy lesson on deltoids. The undress mechanic is exactly as advertised, a simple point and click that reveals what those tight blue denim shorts were barely hiding. Or wasn't hiding at all, let's be real. Fucking hell, the curvature work on her rear end when she turns around is genuinely hypnotic. Way better than the chest animation, which has this weird, almost liquid wobble that feels like it belongs to a different physics engine entirely. Tap tap tap, and suddenly you're watching Android 18, the stone cold killer who broke Vegeta's arm, looking back at you with an expression that's 50% disinterest and 50% unspoken promise. That's the canon character, right there.

There's a blowjob scene that unlocks faster than you'd think. It's not slow. It goes from zero, to a hand on the shaft, to full on messy oral in like three clicks. No buildup, which, honestly, works for a parody. You think 18 would waste time with foreplay? The loop is basic but the sound design... there's a little wet pop at the end of the animation cycle that made me instinctively reach for my phone's volume rocker even though I was home alone. You know that panic. It's a good panic. I just wish they'd included her jerking you off while maintaining eye contact. That's the iconic 18 energy that's missing. The dead eyed stare while she does something devastating. The material's right there, man. It's right there.

I spent way too long just staring at the character creator. Not because it's deep, it's barely functional honestly, but because I was trying to make a Belldandy that didn't look like she'd been through a blender. The art is that specific kind of janky where sometimes a girl's expression will just freeze mid-blink and she looks possessed. It's not good. I love it.

The core loop is pimping out anime goddesses. You train them, upgrade their... skills, and then sell their services to weirdly specific clients. There's this one guy who only wants girls dressed as cats. Another who pays double if they cry. The game doesn't judge, it just gives you the money. I found myself getting weirdly strategic about who I assigned to what room. The dungeon theme section costs a fortune but the return on investment is insane once you've got a girl with high pain tolerance stats.

The relationship management caught me off guard. You have to actually talk to them or they'll run away. I lost my best earner, Urd, because I forgot to check on her for three in-game days. She just vanished. No warning, no goodbye, just an empty slot where she used to be. I had to bribe a cop that same afternoon because apparently my "influence" wasn't high enough yet. The game doesn't explain any of this. You just fail and figure it out.

The sex scenes are functional. There's a lot of them but they're all kind of the same after a while. The toys add some variety but the animations loop awkwardly. Sometimes a girl's head will clip through a wall and you just have to pretend you didn't see it. The writing during these moments is surprisingly decent though, way better than the rest of the game's text. Whoever wrote the dirty dialogue was having a good time.

I keep coming back to it even though half the systems barely work. The city influence mechanic is completely opaque. I still don't know what triggers new events. But there's something about slowly building this terrible little empire that scratches an itch. Maybe I just like seeing the numbers go up.