This thing feels like some horny fanfic that escaped from AO3 and learned how to click on stuff. You start as this regular wizard guy in Hogwarts, nothing “chosen one” about him, more like the dude who sits in the back row and pretends to read, but his brain is just full of tits. The plot pretends it cares about classes and house points and all that, but let’s be honest, nobody is here for Transfiguration homework. It’s all about poking around the castle, getting into the girls’ routines, figuring out when Hermione is alone in the library, when Ginny sneaks off from the common room, when Tonks is bored enough to do something dumb and hot. The whole thing has this messy, half-finished feeling, like the devs were too busy being horny to polish the edges, and that actually kind of works. You click around, do some basic choices, talk to the girls, and slowly the game lets conversations turn from “what do you think about Quidditch” to “why are you looking at my chest, you perv?” and then further. It doesn’t rush; it just kind of slides there. I like that. I hate when porn games scream in your face from the first line.

Hermione is probably the one that will hook most people. She starts off all strict, nose in a book, giving you that disappointed prefect stare that makes you feel like you cheated on an exam you never took. Then you catch this small scene where she thinks nobody is watching and she is in a quiet corner with her hand under her skirt, pretending she is only fixing her stockings. That moment actually surprised me. No loud music, no big text, just a short loop and her biting her lip, trying not to moan. My English is not perfect, but even I got all the little hints in her dialogue when she starts asking you about “theoretical arousal responses” and “research” and you know she is just searching for an excuse to get your cock out. At the same time, the game kind of ruins it sometimes with jokes that feel like they were written on Discord while drunk. One scene starts hot, she is scolding you for peeking, and two lines later someone cracks a dumb meme reference that pulled me out of it. It is small, but it annoyed me, and I kept thinking about it way longer than needed. Then I forgot, honestly, because the next scene had her on her knees and my brain turned off.

Tonks is the opposite vibe. She is chaos. She feels like that older friend who once tells you “don’t be a creep” and then ten minutes later dares you to grab her ass “for science.” Her shapeshifting is not abused like I feared. It’s more teasing than full-on body horror porn. One time she changes her hair color while grinding on your lap, asking which version of her you like better, then gets fake offended when you pick the wrong one. Another time she jokes about taking Hermione’s face for you, then says it would be “too easy” and instead just grows her tits to Fleur size while giving a sloppy handjob behind a statue. The scene with her in the empty corridor, when she catches you sneaking after curfew and presses you against the wall, whispering how she could turn into your strict professor and punish you, but chooses to play as “naughty big sister” instead, that one stayed in my brain. There is something very simple and pure about it, even with her talking about stroking your cock under your robes and leaving you dripping. And then, the game suddenly makes a dumb pun with her name and I wanted to throw my mouse. Still pressed next.

Ginny is written a bit like she is trying to be tough but still shy. Some people will love that. For me it was hit and miss. One scene where she is practicing broom tricks alone and gets all flustered when you compliment how her ass looks from below, that was nice. She pretends to be angry, throws a quaffle at you, then later “accidentally” drops her towel when you end up in the locker room with her. The teasing is slow, like she is discovering that she likes being looked at. There is this moment when she climbs on top of you in the common room sofa, under a blanket, and moves her hips over your lap while pretending she is just trying to get “comfortable,” whispering that everyone is asleep. That felt real in a dumb, teenage way. She keeps biting her lip, asking if it feels good through the cloth, and your character is barely holding it together. Then, for no reason, the UI bugged for me, the text box flickered, and I got irrationally pissed. I reset the browser tab and forgot where in the scene I was. It never happened again but I still think about that one flicker. Stupid.

Narcissa though, she is the one that doesn’t really fit the school vibe, and that’s exactly why she works. She is cold, rich, older, and looks at you like you are dirt and also maybe her next toy. She is not all lovey or shy, she is control. The first time you end up alone with her, she is just sipping something expensive and making comments about how “boys your age are so easy to train.” She never even touches you at first, just makes you kneel and describe what you want to do to her body in detail, while she adjusts the front of her dress so you can see the outline of her tits. One of the better scenes is when she lets you masturbate for her, but forbids you from cumming until she finishes talking about “proper pure-blood etiquette.” You are there, hand moving under your robes, stomach tight, and she keeps pretending she doesn’t notice, then gives you one permission sentence and you basically explode in a few words. It’s rough and kind of humiliating and still weirdly vanilla, since it is just you, your hand, and her voice. I liked that they did not instantly go into whips or whatever. Just words and control.

Fleur… honestly I expected more. She is hot, like obviously, with that veela thing going. There is this cute bit where she acts super confident around everyone, then in private is actually a little insecure about how people only see her as a walking sex charm. There is a nice quiet scene with her at the lake, when she complains about idiots staring at her chest all day while the camera is, of course, staring at her chest. The contradiction felt very human. Later she sort of uses that veela aura on you while pretending she doesn’t, asking you to “help her practice her English.” The “practice” mostly looks like your character trying not to stare at her cleavage while she leans over and “accidentally” brushes her tits against your arm again and again, until you have to excuse yourself to the bathroom. That scene leads to a quick masturbation bit that ends way too fast. She deserved a longer build up, more slow burn, more kissing and less straight to wank. They probably will not change it, which sucks, but whatever.

For a “vanilla” lover like me, this game actually stays mostly in that safe, soft, handjob-blowjob-titjob zone. No crazy shit, no monsters, nobody is getting bound or carved up or anything. Just a lot of teasing, a lot of heavy breathing, and a lot of you jerking off in empty rooms while thinking about which witch made you the hardest that day. It feels clumsy sometimes, like a fanfic draft with horny energy but not always perfect pacing. Some dialogue reads like it was pasted from Twitter, some scenes could use more time, and I kept getting annoyed that the text sometimes moves too fast to really enjoy the little expressions. But then Hermione blushes, Tonks smirks, Ginny bites her lip, Narcissa crosses her legs just so, and my whole “purist, I prefer soft romance” brain goes quiet because, yeah, I still clicked on every filthy option they gave me.

God Tier Academy feels like one of those horny power fantasy animes that got drunk, fell into a porn studio and just decided to stay there. You’re this poor bastard with basically broken magic, tossed into a school where every other student could fold you in half by sneezing too hard. Government has your balls in a vice, so you go anyway, pretending to be some kind of undercover badass, when in reality you’re walking plot armor with anxiety and a hard-on. The fun part is how fast things go from “I’m going to die in this hallway” to “I’m getting a sloppy blowjob from a girl who could vaporize a building.” It has that nice mix of fear and horny where your brain’s like: I might get murdered, but at least I’m getting my dick sucked first.

The whole academy is split into the usual ranks, S at the top, D at the bottom, and you’re basically not even on the list. That gives you a good excuse to be the punching bag, the pervy therapist, and the accidental harem magnet at the same time. One moment you’re stuck in a training class, trying not to get turned into a stain on the wall during a mock battle, then after class the same girl who almost burned your face off is sitting on your lap in a locker room, tongue in your mouth, your hand under her skirt, and she’s grinding her huge ass on you like that was the plan from the beginning. The game loves going from serious political shit, like shady higher-ups and secret missions, to you balls deep in some monster girl with tentacles coiling around your legs while she milks you from both ends. And it doesn’t pretend to be classy about it. There’s ahegao faces, messy creampies, spit strings during blowjobs, cum leaking out on the sheets, the whole thing. The 3D look is pretty solid on mobile too, even if sometimes a boob jiggle looks a bit rubbery, but honestly your brain is not in “animation critique mode” when you’re watching a double penetration scene on your phone in bed.

What hit me more than I expected is that it tries to be funny and romantic in between all the filth, and somehow doesn’t completely fail. You’ll be sitting in a cafeteria scene, chatting with this girl who acts all tsundere and smug, teasing you in front of everyone, foot rubbing against your crotch under the table like she’s bored out of her mind. Then later, same girl is whining with an ahegao face while you fuck her from behind in a dark classroom, her tits slapping against the desk, moaning your fake name like she’ll die without your cock. There’s group scenes where two or three girls share you and talk shit to each other mid-oral, like “you missed a spot” while they swap your dick between mouths, and then someone decides to shove a finger in your ass just to see you twitch. There’s also some pretty rough stuff, blood, violence, magic ripping monsters apart, so it leans into horror more than you’d expect from a game where half the UI time you’re just tapping through flirting. And, yeah, the gay content is there too, not some tiny checkbox scene, but actual dude-on-dude heat if you go for it, which I kind of didn’t plan at first, then suddenly I’m watching the MC on his knees sucking off a guy who just saved his life, because of course gratitude scenes get sexual in this place. The story pretends to be about politics and survival, but the real loop is: do mission, almost die, go back to dorm, get a handjob, maybe an anal scene in the shower if you picked the right options, wake up to more drama, repeat. It’s messy, horny, a bit trashy, and weirdly relaxing, like watching a long-running lewd anime on your phone where every episode ends with somebody getting filled, sometimes by monsters, sometimes by classmates, sometimes by more than one at once.

First thing you notice is how tall she is. Not just tall, but that kind of unfair, “I could crush your skull between my thighs and you’d say thank you” tall. The castle feels built for her, not for you. Doors are too big, ceilings too high, shadows too long. You start as this regular guy who somehow walks into the worst possible horny nightmare: a fucked up old mansion twisted into a playground for a giant vampire lady who looks a lot like a certain tall queen from that zombie game, but here she’s even more cruel, more smug, and yeah, way more horny. The whole place is like a maze of wet whispers and creaking floors. You move from corridor to corridor, waiting for that click of heels behind you, knowing that when she catches you, it’s not a game over. It’s a different kind of punishment.

What surprised me is how the game mixes horny and horror without trying to be subtle. One moment you’re creeping through some dark library, watching dust in the beam of a flickering lamp, and the next she’s got you pinned against a stone pillar with one massive hand around your throat, nails at your chin, staring down with that “you’re nothing but a toy” look. She teases the fact you’ve got these weird powers, like the world is broken and you’re some glitch that can slow her, shove things with your mind, twist reality a bit. Sometimes you use them to push a wardrobe in front of a door while she’s hunting you. Sometimes you fail and she catches you, drags you off, and then it turns into this obscene little trial where she decides if you get milked with her tits, jerked off lazily while she yawns, or just taken straight, hard, with your legs shaking and her laughing when you cum too fast. She treats creampies like trophies. There’s one scene in a ruined chapel where she rides you in a broken pew, stained glass behind her, and after you explode inside her, she stands up and you literally see it drip down her thighs while she calls you “useful.” I hated how much I liked that. I also hated that the inventory menu sound is too loud and it annoyed me every single time, and the game never fixes it.

The best part is that it often feels like you’re playing some fucked up dating sim from hell, where romance is twisted into this toxic, possessive thing. She’ll act gentle for ten seconds, stroking your hair, almost soft, then flip and use you like a living stress toy. You can try to play smart, pick dialogue that pushes back, use your powers to resist, but honestly, half the fun is failing and seeing her switch into full female domination mode. There’s a section in the dungeon where a monster girl variant of her shows up, more feral, claws scraping the floor, and if she catches you, she doesn’t bother pretending to be classy. She just tears open your pants and uses you. It’s rough, messy, and still weirdly romantic in this fucked up way, like you’re the one sane person stuck in a dystopian porn dream and the universe keeps asking if you’re sure you want to say no. The whole thing feels like a parody of that survival horror game everyone knows, but it leans hard into the “you’re prey and you kind of like it” angle. It’s ugly in some places, awkward in others, but when she bends over, tits spilling out of that dress, smirking because you can’t stop staring at her ass while ghosts whisper in the walls, all the weird edges suddenly make sense.

HeartProblems looks like one of those games you open just to “check it for five minutes” and then suddenly you’re clicking through scenes like a horny raccoon searching in the trash. On the surface it’s the usual porn VN setup: young guy, dead parents, moves in with uncle, house full of women that absolutely should not be as hot as they are. Milf energy in the kitchen, stacked bodies, tight clothes, that kind of slow-burn teasing where nothing “really” happens at first but your brain is already writing fanfic. Feels a bit like when you open X and see one “harmless” clip, then the algorithm decides you’re never seeing normal content again.

What sells it for me is how dirty it gets while pretending to be wholesome. You start as this awkward dude just walking around the house, talking, doing little choices that look innocent: help with the laundry, watch TV together on the couch, massage a sore back. The game loves to put you in those “accidental” skin contact situations. Hand brushing over that thick ass when you squeeze past in the hallway. Waking up with her on the sofa, your face basically in her tits, and she acts annoyed but does not move away. Corruption here is not some instant switch, it’s death by a thousand horny cuts. One day she slaps your hand for groping, later she just sighs, later she pretends not to notice, and then suddenly her leg is opening a bit more when you sit down. I caught myself saving before every dialogue just to try the slightly more perverted line and see if I can push one step further without getting shut down.

The 3D style is a bit uneven, which somehow fits. Some scenes look like they belong in a premium Patreon post, others feel like they were rendered while the dev was alt-tabbing to Telegram. Tits are huge, unapologetically so, bouncing and squeezed into outfits that clearly lost the fight with gravity. Asses too, like, “there is no way this character can find jeans in her size” big. Sometimes the proportions feel almost too much, but that might be exactly why it works. It reminds me of those cursed TikToks where the filter stretches everything and yet people in comments still type “link?” The humiliation angle hits when the MC gets caught peeking, or when one of them talks to him like he’s still a kid while his dick is obviously reacting in the shot. There’s a really fun scene where you get caught staring at her cleavage at breakfast, and the way she leans forward, half mocking you, half secretly enjoying your discomfort, is actually hotter than the later explicit stuff. And the mobile build is nice; playing this in bed with brightness low like some shameful little goblin feels exactly right. It’s weird, messy, sometimes clunky, and that’s kind of perfect for what it is.