House of Morecock: Ocean Cruise feels like someone took every horny idea about sailors and put it into a single, filthy cartoon, then gave it just enough structure to pretend it has a plot. You’re on this ship full of thick, stupidly hot guys in tight uniforms that clearly fail at their job, because every scene is just one excuse after another for them to end up naked or half naked, grinding against each other. It starts almost casual, like, “oh, just a normal cruise,” and two minutes later you’re watching a beefy officer pin some muscleboy to a railing while the voice acting is moaning in your ear harder than your porn tabs on Chrome. The voicing is surprisingly good, by the way. Not Hollywood good, but porn good, which is better for this kind of thing. Characters actually sound like dudes about to lose control, not like some bored guy reading lines on a Blue Yeti. Sometimes the timing is weird, like the moan kicks in half a second before the thrust animation, which made me laugh, then I replayed the scene anyway because I’m weak.

The whole thing has this stupid, fun, campy vibe. It pretends to be serious for one second, like “we’re on a dangerous mission on the ocean,” and then you click once and suddenly uniforms are open, dicks are out, and you’re watching a sweaty, muscular stack of guys rutting like they forgot anyone else exists on that ship. I like how the camera sometimes stays too long on some detail that absolutely doesn’t need that much attention, like one dude’s flexing forearm while he’s pounding the other guy. As someone who spends way too many hours inside Unreal, my brain is going “man, they really focused on this loop,” and at the same time my other brain is like “shut up and zoom in more.” Animations are not perfect, hips clip a bit, bodies slide a tiny bit over each other, but then you get that one moment where a huge sailor slams the smaller but still ripped guy into the cabin door, the voice cracks, and it suddenly hits really hard. It feels messy and raw and kind of honest in a horny, unserious way. I wish they let you walk freely around the deck or something, but they don’t and I will complain about that forever.

What sells it for me is that stupid humor they sneak in. A serious line, then an over-the-top groan, or some ridiculous situation like two officers “disciplining” a recruit in a completely empty hallway on a crowded cruise ship, and nobody questions anything. At one point I accidentally clicked too fast and skipped a line, and I actually went back just to hear how the guy would deliver that cheesy dirty talk. The game keeps acting like it’s a “series opener” with this big world, but it really just wants to show brawny guys rearranging each other’s insides anywhere on that boat: behind lifeboats, in cramped cabins, in places where in real life someone from housekeeping would walk in with a bucket. There’s this one uniform that keeps showing up, white pants, tight shirt, chest basically spilling out, and every time I saw it I knew, ok, this scene will not stay safe for work even 10 seconds. It’s horny, loud, kind of dumb in the best way, like a porn comic that learned how to move and talk, and also somehow forgot what subtlety even means.

This thing starts out kind of goofy, like some horny fanfic somebody wrote in class instead of listening, and then suddenly you realize you’ve fallen into a full-on gay dating sim where your femboy MC’s whole life is a system you need to micromanage just to get railed properly. You wake up in this school setting that feels half real, half wet dream, with a “schedule” that looks simple at first: classes, club, part-time stuff, hangouts. Then you realize every tiny choice about where you go and who you text is tied to whether you’re getting bent over a locker later or just jerking off alone in your dorm. It’s kind of fucked how fast you start caring if you picked the right time slot to flirt with the smug top who called you “princess” once and never again because you didn’t raise his affection bar enough. I got stuck staring at the planner like it was Google Calendar for my sex life. Honestly felt too real.

What makes it weirdly fun is how the “real model” thing sneaks up on you. At first I thought the guy in the scenes was some generic pretty face, but the more the story goes on, the more the game leans into his weird little tells, the way he smiles when he’s about to push your head down or that tiny nervous look when you choose a domination option he wasn’t expecting. It’s staged of course, but it sells the fantasy that you’re messing with an actual person on screen, not just a doll. There’s this one quest where you skip study group to meet him behind the gym. You pick the bolder dialogue choices, tease him a bit, and the game flips. He pins you to the wall, hand around your throat just tight enough, whispering in your ear about what a good little slut you are for ditching your responsibilities, and then the next scene has you trying to stay focused in class while your hole’s still sore. The writing is sometimes clumsy as hell, like the English got fed through DeepL then poked with a stick, but that almost makes it hotter? It feels like a horny fan translation on some forum, full of weird phrasing and mistakes that somehow hit harder because they’re not polished. There’s one line where he says something like “I’ll dominate you tenderly” and I actually had to pause and laugh, then went back and still got hard anyway.

On the “game” side, it’s not deep RPG stuff, but there’s enough stats and schedule juggling to trick your brain into thinking your choices matter long term. You raise things like confidence and obedience with little events, then see different sex options unlock in scenes. Pick the wrong thing too often and some routes just quietly vanish. No warning. You just won’t get that late-night dorm visit where he orders you to kneel between his legs and swallow without touching yourself. That one, by the way, has this tiny moment when he holds your head down and you choose whether you pull back or let him use your throat until your eyes water. It hits way harder than the usual click-to-cum stuff in browser porn games. Still, the game keeps tripping over its own pacing. There are long stretches of “go here, talk, get +1 affection” that feel like grinding in some cheap mobile sim, then out of nowhere a scene slams you with raw filthy dialogue that sounds like Twitter porn DMs. I also hate how the menu sound is this cheap little click that feels ripped from an old Flash dress-up app and it never changes. It’s stupid, but after a while I started noticing it more than I should. Anyway, if you want to squeeze every filthy drop out of it, you kinda have to lean into the fantasy: actually plan your week around meeting the guys, pick the more humiliating options now and then, fail a class on purpose just to see what the punishment looks like. Treat the schedule like a puzzle and let the game drag you down into its gay dream logic until it feels normal that your main concern in “school life” is whether you’re going to be the one on your knees or on your back by the end of the day.