The card I pulled this morning was The Fool reversed, which makes sense now. There's a moment early in DragonDong where you're standing in some tavern, and the music swells with this weirdly sincere orchestral thing, and a woman with scales on her shoulders asks if you've ever been with anyone before. You can say no. The game remembers that. It doesn't mock you for it. That's rare in something this aggressively horny.

The combat is this strange little timing minigame I kept failing because I was distracted by the sound design. Someone put actual effort into the wet noises. Not just the sex scenes, though those are fully animated and weirdly smooth for something built in what's basically a modded Skyrim engine. I mean the incidental stuff. Leather creaking. A fire crackling while someone explains why your dragon bloodline needs to keep going. The voice work is inconsistent, some characters have this echoey quality like they recorded in a bathroom, but the woman who plays the elf ranger, I think her name is Lyra, she does this thing with her breath during the confession scene that made me forget I was clicking through dialogue trees.

The reputation system is broken. Or maybe I just don't understand it. I kept trying to get in good with the merchant guild and somehow ended up pissing off the mages instead, which locked me out of a scene I'd read about on the forums. Something involving a library and a levitation spell. I'll never know. The gear system matters but also doesn't, you can trade items for affection points which feels mercenary in a way that's probably intentional but the game never comments on it. Twenty different fetishes spread across sixty scenes and I stumbled into the lactation one completely by accident because I picked the wrong dialogue option while trying to be polite. The gallery lets you replay anything you've unlocked, which is how I found out there's a virginity-loss scene with different dialogue depending on your class choice. I was a rogue. I don't know what the mage version says.

The main quest is about finding your vanished kin but honestly I kept forgetting about that. There's a dwarf woman who runs a fighting pit and her affection arc involves oil and a very specific conversation about trust that I thought about for three days afterward. The game is free. I don't understand how. The music alone has over a hundred tracks and some of them are genuinely beautiful in a way that clashes with the janky walking animations during exploration. Nothing quite matches. The dragon lore is delivered through these long exposition dumps that I started skipping, then felt bad about skipping, then went back to read in the statistics menu which tracks everything including how many times you've made each companion orgasm. That's a real stat. It's called "Satisfaction" and it's right there next to your reputation with the northern clans.