Alright, so you know those old Sonic hentai flash games that used to float around Newgrounds back in the day? This feels like someone dug one up, slapped a flappy bird mechanic on it, and said yeah, this is fine. And honestly? It kind of is fine, in a janky, what the fuck am I doing with my life sort of way.
The whole premise is Eggman, being the absolute degenerate we all secretly know he is, has nabbed Topaz. You're some bird, I think? Doesn't matter. You're flapping. Flapping through three levels of absolute chaos while dodging robots and their attacks. The hitboxes are a crime against humanity. I swear a projectile wasn't even touching my wing and I'd just explode. But you're not really here for tight gameplay, are you? You're here because the description promised a gallery if you beat the robot boss. The grind is real though. Collecting those little tentacles, which I'm sure are just a totally innocent gameplay token, is a pain when you're trying to not get lasered by a floating Buzz Bomber knockoff. The whole thing runs in browser, so you can just have it in a tab, minimizing the shame window when someone walks in. I was using Firefox, and it chugged a bit on the third level, not sure if that's the game's optimization or my seventeen other tabs of questionable content.
Top 3 Moments You'll Want to Screenshot. First, the exact frame you die and your bird just crumples into a sad little feather pile, it's unintentionally hilarious. Second, the boss fight itself. It's so anticlimactic, just a big sprite that moves in a pattern you learn in ten seconds. The real reward is what comes after. And third, that first time you accidentally fly straight into an enemy because you blinked. The gallery itself, once you finally unlock it, is... well, it's there. It's a collection of static images of Topaz in various states of distress, classic damsel stuff. The art's got that rough, sketchy charm, like it was drawn with a mouse in MS Paint at 2 AM by someone who was very, very dedicated to their vision. Don't expect animation, don't expect a story. You get what you flap for. The controls are in the help menu, which you'll need because nothing is intuitive. The jump feels floaty one second and like a brick the next. I spent more time fighting the physics than the actual enemies. For a free browser game, it's exactly the level of polish you'd expect, and somehow that's almost endearing.
