The first time you get your dick sucked by a blonde with tits like airbags it’s in the back of a hauler after a practice lap. She doesn’t even wipe the grease off her hands. That’s the kind of game this is. You think you’re here for the racing, the team rivalry, the whole “carrying the weight of your past” thing, but the game knows you’re really just waiting for the next scene where a brunette mechanic with a permanent scowl decides your victory celebration should happen in the pit lane. The 3DCG is... present. Faces sometimes look like they’re melting off the bone, especially during the more intense moments, but the bodies? Yeah, the bodies deliver. The physics on the big boobs are frankly more realistic than the car handling.

The racing itself is a strange little minigame you suffer through between blowjobs. I got lapped three times because I was distracted thinking about the team owner, a MILF who clearly hasn’t worn a bra since the 90s. There’s a whole subplot about a rivalry with some other driver, but honestly I kept forgetting his name. I just wanted him to crash so I could get back to the twins. Yes, twins. A sporty one and a teasing one. The dialogue is pure nonsense, something about proving myself on the track, but the moaning is top-tier. I wish the game would just admit it’s a porn slideshow and drop the pretense of a career mode. But it won’t.

I uninstalled a different kart racer on my phone, the one with the plumber, because this made it feel pointless. Here’s my advice: lose every race on purpose. The disappointment scenes unlock way faster and the brunette’s “consolation” is the juiciest content in the whole download. If you’re the type who gets a stiffy from a low-polygon model whispering about torque ratios while unzipping your fire suit, this will ruin you. Just don’t expect the actual sport to make any sense. I still don’t know what Formula Junior is.