It loads and there she is, Mikasa, looking like someone traced a screenshot and forgot to add shading. The whole thing has this weird flatness, like a flash game from 2006 that got left in a folder and just now crawled out. The menu is just words floating on the side, and half the buttons feel like they might break if you click wrong. But whatever, I'm not here to judge the UI, I'm here because the title promised I could do unspeakable things to the most serious character from Attack on Titan.

And you can. The sex part is a loop, a very basic one. You pick a position from a tiny list and she just sort of bounces with a dead eyed stare. You can poke at her, make her tits jiggle with this weird physics that feels more like water balloons than flesh. The sound is just one wet slapping noise on repeat. I don't know what I expected. It gets the job done in a mechanical, slightly depressing way, like a vending machine for nutting.

The customization is the real fever dream. You can slap a horse mask on her, give her cat ears, change her hair color to neon green. There's a menu to adjust her expression, so you can make her look bored, angry, or just completely vacant while you do your thing. I spent more time dressing her up in a tiny bikini and giving her ridiculous glasses than I did on the actual main event. There's a weird satisfaction in making this stoic warrior look like a complete clown before clicking the "fuck" button. The whole thing is janky and absurd. The scarf, her iconic scarf, is just a flat texture that clips through her neck when you change her top. It's so half-assed it circles back around to being funny. Dare to play it alone, or invite company?