The first thing that hits you is that MIDI horn section. It’s like a royalty free dirge for a 90s fantasy VHS that got left in a hot car, and somehow it loops perfectly with the wet slapping sounds. The audio mix is so aggressively unpolished I genuinely laughed out loud when Xareth, our twink prince, got groped for the first time and the squish noise sounded like someone dropping a whole raw chicken on tile. I don’t know if it’s incompetence or camp genius and honestly I’m past caring because the whole thing has this fever dream energy that just works.

So Prince Xareth’s dad got owned by some conman king, right? And this elf boy’s brilliant plan to get his throne back is to wander into an orc camp looking like a twink that got lost on the way to a Final Fantasy audition. The dialogue is pure “my first fantasy novel” but the second you pick a love interest it’s like the game stops pretending to be about a coup and just becomes a logistics simulator for how many orc dicks can fit in one elf. There’s a specific scene with an orc chieftain where he’s supposed to be explaining war tactics but the black and white sketch just shows Xareth bent over a war table getting absolutely railed, and the contrast between the dull political text and the explicit visual is the funniest thing I’ve seen all week. The muscle definition on the orcs is drawn in this aggressively angular style, all t*** and no neck, and it’s somehow both hot and deeply silly.

The multiple penetration tag isn’t a warning here, it’s the main gameplay loop. You’ll be clicking through a “compelling storyline” about tribal alliances and then oh, look, an orc fourway where the anatomy just kind of blurs together into a mass of green skin and elf moans. Some of the color images look like they were scanned from a smudged printer and I love it. The black and white ones actually have better linework. Why are there dozens of endings? I got one where everyone just dies and another where the prince becomes the tribe’s communal stress relief toy. The game is 20 hours of this. A conman king is still on the throne I think, I honestly forgot to check because I was too busy watching an orc get double teamed by his own buddies in a side route.