The loading screen is a fucking pineapple. A spinning, 3D pineapple. I stared at it for maybe twenty seconds, this glossy fruit rotating against a sky that’s too blue, and I thought, yep, this is the energy. The whole game has this aggressively cheap sheen, like a resort brochure printed on sandpaper. John’s face doesn’t move right when he’s supposed to be worried, and Mia’s swimsuit looks painted on by someone who learned anatomy from a melted candle. I’m not complaining. It’s perfect.

So you’re on this island with your girlfriend and two other couples, and the vibe is a hostage situation sponsored by Banana Boat. There’s Hayley, your childhood friend, who keeps finding reasons to bend over near you while her boyfriend Steven, who used to bang Mia, sulks by the bar. The dialogue is unreal. John will say something like “I love Mia” and then in the next scene he’s getting a slow, very animated blowjob from Hayley behind a palm tree while the game’s single looping steel drum track tinkles on obliviously. The cheating isn’t a possibility, it’s a scheduled event. The “teasing” tag is doing a lot of heavy lifting, mostly consisting of MILF characters appearing from nowhere with dialogue like “Oh, I didn’t see you there, studying my chest.”

I got stuck for ten minutes trying to click on a coconut. Not a puzzle, just a coconut on the ground that my dumb brain was convinced was a collectible. It wasn’t. It was just a low-poly coconut, mocking me while Jake, the designated “fiend,” narrated his plans to ruin everything. The animations during the sex scenes have this jerky, wind-up toy quality that I find weirdly more engaging than the smooth, dead-eyed perfection of bigger games. There’s a scene with Emily, who supposedly hated you, where her expression shifts from disgust to something else with all the subtlety of a light switch being flipped by a hammer. It’s the kind of jank you can’t fake. I should probably feel bad for Mia, but honestly I was too busy watching another spinning pineapple on a loading screen, wondering if the next scene would finally let me click on something that mattered.