You know what gets me about these spy games? The women. Always the women. This one throws you in as some washed up agent, a real piece of work who can’t even get his dick wet without tripping over his own ego. The models, big tits everywhere, like someone raided a casting couch and said yeah, that’s our secret weapon. I clicked through a scene where you’re supposed to seduce a contact, and she’s got these breasts that defy physics, just hanging there like a challenge. I picked the dumbest dialogue option because why not, and the game just rolled with it. No game over screen, no slap, just her spreading her legs like I’d recited poetry. Felt cheap but also exactly what I wanted at 1am.

The RPG bits are there, I guess. Stats or whatever. I kept forgetting to check them because the real model photos kept popping up, these grainy shots that look like they were taken on a phone from 2007. One agent, I think her name was Natasha? No wait, that’s not right. She had a mole on her left tit and I spent more time staring at that than listening to her exposition about stolen documents. There’s a choice system that pretends to matter, but honestly I just kept picking the horniest option and it worked every single time. Why even give me a gun if all I need is my crotch?

Wish the writing didn’t sound like a Google Translate fever dream sometimes. “You must to regain former glory” it says, and I’m like bro, me too. But then you get to the porn and suddenly it’s crystal clear, every moan and squelch described like a romance novel on meth. The adventure part is just a fancy menu to get to the tits, and I respect that. No losing, they said. So I just kept failing upward into more explicit scenes. Is that a bug or a feature? Who cares. My agent got his glory back, I got carpal tunnel, everyone wins.