My guy Dave from accounting would lose his mind over this one. Not because of the tits, though there’s plenty of that eventually. No, it’s the sheer bureaucratic horror of it all. You start as this smug prick with a girlfriend and a decent job, the kind of guy who owns a garlic press and actually uses it. Then you sign up for some vague “contest” and suddenly you’re filling out forms for your new breast size while a disembodied voice judges your posture. The html is janky, the text sometimes breaks in weird places, and the whole thing feels like filling out a tax return designed by a horny goblin. I mean that as a compliment, I think.

The transformation stuff isn’t instant. It’s a slow, choice by choice slide into a different body, and the game is weirdly obsessed with the logistics. You’re not just magically a woman, you have to deal with the new center of gravity during a balance beam challenge. There’s a whole section that’s basically a workplace sensitivity training module but with more explicit questions about your new genitalia. I wish the athletic challenges were less about clicking a button and more about, I don’t know, something. But they won’t change that. The whole thing has the energy of a very specific, very unpolished fetish forum thread from 2007 that somehow got turned into a playable thing.

The humor is bone dry, which makes the lewd parts hit different. One minute you’re picking a lipstick shade, the next you’re in a full on text based sex scene described with the clinical detachment of a medical journal. “The contestant experiences a pleasant friction.” It’s absurd. The girlfriend character just sort of fades out of the plot, which feels like a missed opportunity for some truly messy drama. But then you get a scene where you have to use your new “assets” to distract a referee at a sports event and you forget all about her. The rpg elements are bare bones, just stats that go up or down, but it feeds the simulator part of your brain. You start optimizing your femininity like it’s a spreadsheet. Dave from accounting would be so proud, and also deeply, deeply confused.