Vault 69 feels like somebody took a Fallout parody, spilled a full Pornhub search history on it, and then said “yeah ok, this is the plot now”. You play as the only useful dick in an underground vault that ran out of common sense and condoms at the same time. The Overseer basically pats you on the shoulder and says “go breed, champ”, while the whole place is full of desperate, half-broken, half-horny people that somehow still find time to argue about rations and power supply. It’s not subtle. It’s not trying to be smart. It just throws you into a post-apoc mess where your cock is both resource and weapon. You walk around the vault, talk to girls who are clearly one bad day from snapping, and every choice is like a weird mix of dating sim and HR management, if HR was about who gets to swallow and who only gets it up the ass.

What I liked is that the game doesn’t pretend sex is soft or romantic. It’s rough, dirty, and sometimes a little fucked up in the head. You’ve got big-titted slaves, “volunteers” that are clearly not okay, raiders topside who think “negotiation” means forcing the protagonist to prove his value by breaking in new captives. One scene had me trying a pickup line like “Let’s save humanity together” and the girl actually laughed at me before forcing me to go down on her as “practice” for future breeding candidates. Another time I tried a more aggressive line, something like “Bend over the desk, I’m tired of talking”, and she just locked the door and went full dom on me instead, using my face on the chair and calling it “evaluation”. The game loves flipping your expectations like that. Sometimes your cheesy line works and opens a new hardcore scene, sometimes it gets you punched, sometimes it triggers a weird management event about population stress where you’re suddenly filling forms after filling holes. And yeah, those stupid little stat prompts that pop up on screen, they feel like Excel sheet made horny. I hated it. I also kind of liked it. I don’t know.

Outside the vault it gets nastier and funnier at the same time. You meet wasteland chicks who are way more dangerous than the gun they’re holding, and somehow the dialogue still makes room for cringe pickup attempts. Had a moment where I tried to be smooth with a raider girl, something like “You look like trouble, I like trouble”, and she just put a boot on my chest and told me I’ll “earn the pussy” by bringing her slaves to trade. Next thing I know, I’m back in the vault doing this awkward loop of cold resource management and hot, brutal sex, trying to decide who gets treated like a person and who gets used like equipment. The violence can be a bit much sometimes, honestly, but the world is so broken it weirdly fits. I wish there were more soft scenes where characters just fuck for fun, not duty, but this setting is not really about cozy cuddling anyway. It’s about mouths full, asses sore, power plays everywhere, and you stuck in the middle pretending your shitty pickup lines are actually saving civilization. At least when I alt-tabbed to check Discord after a particularly harsh anal scene, my brain needed a second to remember that in real life, people don’t usually ask “What’s your breeding quota today?” so I guess the immersion works a little too well.