Starship discipline is completely fucked here, in the funniest, dirtiest way possible. You get handed the captain’s chair on the Cerritos, but it feels more like they dumped you in a floating frat house filled with horny degenerates in Starfleet colors. Everyone is used to Admiral Freeman looking the other way, so when you start trying to clean things up, the crew basically tells you to suck it. Half the time you’re walking down a corridor and some ensign has their uniform half open, covered in cum, trying to hide a hard-on or wiping drool off their lips after “checking the sonic shower.” The ship looks like Star Trek, but the mood is more like a super trashy porn parody where nobody remembered the part about “professional behavior.” And you are absolutely encouraged to abuse that.

The center of the chaos is Beckett Mariner, of course. She knows you can’t just throw the admiral’s daughter out an airlock, so she tests every limit she can. One moment she’s lounging in your chair with her boots on the console, tits almost spilling out of her uniform jacket, fake-innocent face and those stupid ahegao eyes when you finally snap and drag her into the ready room. The game really likes that shift from “smartass brat” to “corrupted little cumtoy,” especially when you start using blackmail. You catch her in compromising spots, collect dirty data, and then slowly push things from “get on your knees and swallow” to “bend over the tactical console, I want to see just how tight that ass is.” She resists in that playful way at first, talks back, but the art leans heavy into humiliation: tears in the corners of her eyes, tongue out, mascara a mess, expression halfway between hating you and begging you to creampie her again. The AI-style CG is weirdly perfect for this kind of parody, everything slightly exaggerated, breasts too big for regulation uniforms, cumshots overdramatic, but it fits the whole “cheap bootleg holodeck program” vibe. And it is animated, so you really sit there watching her get filled, milk leaking, mouth drooling, your choices affecting if she ends up more broken-in, covered in bukkake like a used toy, or still pretending she’s in control while she rides you and moans your rank.

What caught me off guard is how the game doesn’t just stop at “straight captain dominates bratty officer.” Lower deck kids and random crew open up way dirtier routes. You walk into the cargo bay and spot two male ensigns “wrestling,” cocks out, one already dripping. That can spiral into you forcing them to service you as punishment, lining them up and choosing who takes you in the ass, who licks your balls clean, who drinks the load. There is gay stuff that doesn’t feel like an afterthought, more like the ship is just completely horny and nobody cares about orientation anymore. Then there is the whole trap and futa angle, uniforms hiding surprise dicks, big tits paired with a throbbing cock that strains the Starfleet fabric. One minute you think you’re punishing a cute, shy communications officer, next moment she drops her pants and you’re staring at a hard shaft and a wet slit both, and the game just goes “yeah, use all of it.” You can force them to suck you, fuck them until their own cum sprays on the control panel, or take it yourself if you lean into being a greedy captain who wants every hole filled. There are scenes where you make an officer pump milk out of her huge tits right onto the floor while everyone watches, or you order a line of crew to kneel and finish them off one by one, covering faces and mouths until they look like someone set a bukkake filter over a still from Lower Decks. Then there are cheating bits, too: married officers getting reamed in your quarters, whispering that their partner doesn’t touch them like this, while you record everything for later blackmail. It’s unapologetically trashy, sometimes mean, and occasionally so over the top you just start laughing, but it keeps that Star Trek parody flavor through all the corruption, like a filthy holodeck program somebody forgot to lock with a command code.

This one feels like somebody took a classic point & click detective game, got horny, got drunk, argued with their own libido, and then put it in a circus. In a good way. Mostly. You start as this male detective in a circus where everyone looks a bit too hot to be just performers, and every girl has “please interrogate me harder” vibes. It’s not just click-next visual novel stuff either, you actually poke around the scene, chase clues, and try to figure out who is lying, who is hiding something, and who just wants your cock in their mouth as a distraction. And yeah, sometimes it’s all three.

What I liked most is how the investigation parts and the lewd parts keep tripping over each other. You’re trying to follow a lead and suddenly you corner a suspect in some cramped circus wagon, and you get this choice: push her on her alibi, or push her on her knees. I went “ok, police work first” and of course the game basically went “nah dude, she’s into rough stuff, you’ve got time.” The girls are not all copy-paste sluts too. There’s the controlling older woman that just screams MILF energy, who pretends she’s above you, until she’s drooling around your dick and looking at you with those ahegao eyes like her brain fell out through her pussy. Then there’s the cute girl who acts innocent but lets you tie her up fast enough that you start thinking she has more experience than you. Sex scenes are pretty filthy, group stuff shows up, there’s creampies everywhere, and when the game goes BDSM, it actually leans into it instead of just putting a collar on and calling it a day. Some lesbian scenes feel like they’re there mostly to tease you, which somehow works even better. Watching two suspects “comfort” each other while you stand there and decide which one to accuse later is just… yeah.

The art is actually weird in a cool way. Clearly AI-generated in places, so some CGs have that slightly off feeling, like a girl’s pose that looks too perfect or a face that’s almost uncanny, but in this circus context it kind of adds to the vibe, like everyone is a mask anyway and you’re trying to rip it off. The animated bits during oral scenes, with spit strings and eyes rolling back, got me way more than I expected. And the harem angle sneaks up on you. First it’s just one suspect, then two, then suddenly you’re in a wagon with several of them, half convinced one of them is a murderer, and you’re still fucking them all like a degenerate that forgot what “evidence” means. I like how you can actually accuse the wrong girl and still end up with a nasty ending, not a game over screen, just a different kind of circus. I kinda hated one small thing: sometimes the clue you need is this tiny clickable thing on the background and I spent minutes pixel-hunting instead of making someone gag on my cock, and it pissed me off, and then I found it, and forgot I was mad once the next scene turned into an interrogation with your dick. The writing swings between serious detective talk and horny nonsense in a way that feels like my brain when I have 10 tabs open in Chrome, one of them being Pornhub. It’s messy, not polished, but the mix of mystery, domination, circus absurdity and girls looking at you cross-eyed with cum dripping out hits some very specific brain cell I didn’t know I had.

Imagine Stardew Valley went on Pornhub, got corrupted by horny aliens, then forgot what crops are and only remembered tits and ranch fences. That’s Starlewd Ranch in the brain. You roll in as this clueless dude who’s supposed to “help on the ranch,” but every single girl looks like she escaped from a gacha game where the only stats are boob size and how hard she moans when you touch her. The first time the blonde ranch girl bends over to pick something and her huge ass just fills the screen, I literally forgot there were menus. She talks about feeding animals and all I’m thinking is “yeah I got something to feed right here,” and then the game actually lets you go there. Not right away, but you see the road. And that’s worse. Or better. Depends how lonely you are.

There’s this moment early on where you end up alone in a barn with one of the “helpers,” she’s got that innocent virgin vibe but also wearing shorts that might as well be a suggestion, not clothing. She’s trying to act shy, eyes all big, then your hand “accidentally” grabs her tit and the game slows down just to show that squeeze. Nipples pushing against your palm, the model actually reacts, and she does this half ahegao face like she’s not ready but also absolutely ready. You finger her against the stall door, hay sticking to her back, she’s biting her lip trying not to scream because people might hear outside. Of course you keep going. You feel her get wetter, she starts grinding on your hand, and the camera angle goes lower, almost between her thighs. That little tremble when she cums on your fingers, with her legs shaking and tits bouncing… yeah, that scene lives rent free. Then five minutes later the same girl is calmly talking about chores like you didn’t just make her soak the entire barn floor, and honestly that mood whiplash is kind of hilarious.

What got me is how the game pretends to be this chill sandbox thing where you just wander around the ranch, talk to people, do simple tasks, but it’s lying to your face. Every route leads to you surrounded by a harem of big tit ranch girls, each one with her own “please sexually harass me a little more” energy. You go from brushing a horse to accidentally pressing your dick against someone’s ass, from “can you help me with this” to her on her knees giving you a sloppy blowjob in a storage shed, drool dripping, eyes rolled up like a full ahegao meme. There’s titfucks where those ridiculous boobs wrap around you, animated enough that you actually see the slide, and oral scenes where you can almost feel the warmth through the screen. Strip scenes are nice too, like when one of them awkwardly strips out of her overalls in your room, trying to act confident, failing, then finally standing there naked and blushing while you just stare. I wish the day-to-day stuff on the ranch mattered more, but it won’t, because the game clearly knows everyone came for that moment when three girls crowd you in a bedroom, arguing who gets the cock first, and you just sit there like some hentai protagonist who tripped and fell into the best ranch in the universe.