Con-Quest feels like somebody crashed a goofy anime convention into a horny Pokémon daydream and then forgot to lock the door. You’re walking around this nerdy Poke-Con that’s completely fucked up by a smug magic witch, and everything is cosplay girls in trouble or trying to kick your ass. I liked that at first I was just talking to this awkward mage girl in a Pikachu hoodie and then suddenly I’m getting jumped by a slime-possessed Gardevoir cosplay chick who wants to drain my HP and also my patience. The whole thing is basically one long “what if every con girl was a monster encounter and also kind of into it but also kinda not and you probably shouldn’t think too deep about it” fantasy. Battles are classic turn stuff but the fun is in how trashy everything feels. You’re tossing fire, grass, lightning spells and in your head you’re like “oh yeah this is basically Fire Blast, Vine Whip and Thunderbolt but with more tits and less Nintendo lawyers.” They even play around with the status junk: on fire, shocked, weird scissors debuff, all that. It sounds complicated but you just mash buttons until the cosplayer’s outfit rips more and the camera zooms in way too close, like some thirsty Instagram creep who discovered the zoom function on his phone yesterday.

The best part is honestly how stupidly horny the design is and how self-aware it acts. You’re rescuing cosplayers from cursed stickers, then you save them, then they hang around, and you keep pretending you’re a hero while the game keeps shoving jiggling “rewards” in your face. I actually laughed when the Eevee girl animation suddenly switched to part two, because I knew something worse was coming and it still caught me. I loved the Umbreon girl, then hated the Umbreon girl when she wiped my whole party because I went in half-assed, then loved her again as soon as I saw how tiny the “armor” gets on later rip states. Sometimes the game is weirdly sweet and goofy, like the shop scenes where everybody is just dorky nerds in costume arguing about merch, and then the next second you’re staring at a topless cosplay portrait that looks like it belongs on some horny DeviantArt from 2012. The music randomly slaps way harder than it should in a porn game, which annoyed me because my brain started humming the rival theme while I was trying to jerk off. I opened Discord mid-fight once to complain about the fucking lightning damage going trash when I had the scissors thing on me, and by the time I tabbed back I was already knocked out by some smug Cuebone cosplayer I was trying to ogle instead of defend against. That’s kind of how the whole game is: you come for the fanservice, get mad at a tiny stat change, forget what you were doing, then keep playing anyway. I wish I could say it’s classy, but it’s not. It’s a horny mess wearing a Pikachu hat, and I’m still typing “friendzonedagain” like some sad clown just to see the outfits go back on and then regret it. **Dare to play it alone, or invite company?**