The Dimitrescu Trial starts with a splash screen so janky I almost hit backspace. Like, this is a browser game. We all know what we're here for, stop pretending with the ominous castle shot that clearly took five minutes in a posing tool. Then she walks in. Lady D, all 3DCG glory, tits like ballistic missiles, ass that could smother a small family, and the framerate dips on my phone. My actual phone, not a potato. The audio is a loop of what I think is a windchime being tortured.

And yet. I keep resetting. Not for the "horror" or the "monsters" (there's a paranormal tag, sure, some tentacle thing with ahegao faces that looks like it escaped a different, more confused game), but because the fail states are the draw. You mess up a QTE and suddenly it’s a handjob scene with zero context, just her giant hands working you with a bored expression. Another path, you get lost in a hallway the exact same gray cobblestone texture repeated seventeen times and end up in a vaginal sex scene where the clipping is so bad your character's torso phases through her stomach. It's the kind of slapdash nonsense that loops back around to being fascinating. The superpowers tag is doing a lot of heavy lifting for what's basically a stamina bar that depletes when you stare too long at her ass. Romance is listed, which is a lie, it's pure, transactional female domination with a dystopian flavor that means the lighting is dim.

One time I purposefully failed a logic puzzle, I think it involved colored torches, and got a titfuck scene that actually had some decent animation. The creampie finish that followed felt almost sarcastic. I wish the exploration bits had any purpose beyond being loading screens between the sex, but that's never getting fixed. The whole thing feels like someone ripped the assets from a proper Resident Evil parody, shoved them into a basic adventure engine, and then got distracted halfway through adding the "game" parts. Downloading Grindr was a better use of my data, probably, but here I am wondering if there's a Lady D handjob scene I missed behind the third left turn. There isn't. I checked.