The spider's legs make this dry clicking sound when they hit the dirt, like someone tapping chopsticks on a table. I kept dying to the same giant spider near the starting forest because I was too busy listening to that noise instead of watching my health bar. Billy's Quest doesn't give a shit about you. It drops you in this huge open world with wolves that circle you, orcs that swing before you even see them, and spiders that poison you while you're still figuring out which button attacks. The combat is real time, so you're just mashing and running and hoping your sword connects before their teeth do.

The loot system is where it gets its hooks in. You kill a wolf, it drops a rusty dagger. You kill ten wolves, maybe one drops a leather chest piece that's slightly less garbage than what you have. Then you see a cave, go inside, find a chest with a steel sword that glows blue when you swing it. That feeling, that little dopamine hit, that's the whole game. I spent way too long farming orcs for a helmet that looked cool but had worse stats than my current one. The tutorial is buggy as hell, there's a fade to black part that sometimes just doesn't fade back, and the inventory screen feels like it was designed by someone who hates you. But the world is big, genuinely big, with hidden paths and random encounters that make you feel like you're actually exploring instead of following a dotted line.

I wish the armor actually showed on your character. It doesn't. You pick up this badass golden plate and your little sprite still looks the same. That bugs me more than it should. The monster variety is decent, wolves and orcs and spiders and some other things I won't spoil, but they all kind of fight the same way. Run at you, swing, die. The real enemy is the camera, which sometimes decides to show you a nice view of a tree while an orc is turning your skull into paste. Still, I kept playing. Kept dying. Kept clicking on that spider just to hear its legs again.

I don't know what I expected from a game called Dong of Hearts but the princess in the first zone, some bootleg candy kingdom nonsense, has this thing where she calls you "her little keyblade hero" while doing a handjob that's animated with like four frames. It's so janky I laughed mid fap and that's honestly a selling point. The whole thing runs on this weird energy where the writing is trying to be clever about the parody but the porn is just... aggressively straightforward. You walk around these flat cartoon maps, the Black Mass or whatever is spreading, and every new area is just an excuse to find the local Princess of Pleasure and do the deed. The dialogue is full of these half remembered references. I swear one character is just named after a fruit from that farming sim but she's got tits the size of her head and talks like a bad visual novel translation.

The Dong of Hearts power itself is never really explained. You just have it. Sometimes it glows. The game doesn't care and neither should you. There's this one scene in a desert level where the princess is supposed to be this aloof warrior type but the second the sex scene starts she's doing ahegao face like someone flipped a switch. The contrast between the "save the world" plot and the absolute filth is jarring in the best way. You're literally fighting shadow blobs and then two screens later you're balls deep in a parody of a famous space princess. The patreon build I played had some placeholder art still visible, just sketch lines behind the finished sprites, and honestly it added to the whole experience. Feels like finding a dirty comic in a bargain bin.

The exploration is basically walking right until you trigger a scene. No puzzles. No real quests beyond "go here, fuck her, get the thing." The parody aspect is thin but the hentai is unapologetic. There's a mermaid princess who gets off on you "cleansing her waters" which is exactly what it sounds like. I spent ten minutes clicking through her dialogue just to see how far the innuendo would go before the inevitable creampie. This game knows what it is. A messy, horny, barely functional tribute to something that would never allow this much cum.

I still remember the exact moment Lizardish hit level 10 and that new animation unlocked. Not because it was particularly polished, but because the whole thing felt like finding a dirty magazine in the woods. That specific kind of janky, handmade filth that somehow works better than anything slick ever could.

The Pussymon Hunter Society areas are weirdly empty. Like someone forgot to populate them properly. But then you stumble into a hunt zone and suddenly there's eight new creatures to catch, each with their own little animation loops that range from "huh, okay" to "wait, let me see that again." The sleep mechanic they added to the bag is honestly the most useful thing. You can recover energy anywhere now, which means less backtracking through those twelve areas just to grind encounters. Not that the backtracking was bad. It was terrible actually. But I kind of miss it? Something about the inconvenience made the discoveries feel earned.

That easter egg with Bridget though. Ten days of training alone and then you check on Lizardish and Lepllanny before bed. The tip says you can view it once per day after unlocking, but I spent way too long trying to trigger it again immediately. The two option thing is a nice touch. One path feels almost sweet, the other is just... yeah. You'll know when you see it.

The shops and workplaces are there I guess. Never really used them much. Got distracted by trying to figure out which of the ten catchable Pussymon had the most interesting animations. Some are clearly favorites, given more attention than others. The lizard one. God. Why do I keep coming back to the lizard one.

The whole thing runs like it's held together with tape and bad decisions. Sometimes a menu lags. Sometimes text overlaps. None of that matters when you're three hours deep trying to find every last hidden animation frame. Is it good? I don't know anymore. But I haven't closed the tab in two days.

You ever get obsessed with one tiny thing in a game and it just breaks the whole experience? For me, it's the damn camera zoom. There's this new feature where it zooms in when you hit the next rip state during a battle, and I swear I spent more time trying to trigger that on the new Cuebone cosplayer than actually playing the RPG part. The animation is janky, the whole thing feels held together with tape, but that one close-up moment? Fuck, it works.

The game is basically a Pokemon parody where you wander around capturing these cosplay girls instead of monsters. You got your standard Nurse Joy, an Eevee girl with a two-part animation that I still haven't fully seen because she's "uncommon" or whatever. There's a new Umbreon cosplayer now too, ultra rare, which means I'll probably never find her without grinding for three hours. The combat is turn-based nonsense with spells that scale off your max MP, and there's this whole rock-paper-scissors thing with fire, grass, and lightning that I keep forgetting. Lightning does more damage when they're shocked but less if they have some healing debuff I can never remember the name of. It doesn't matter. Nobody's here for the strategy.

There's a Patreon code "friendzonedagain" that puts their clothes back on if you're into that kind of self-sabotage. I typed it in once just to see and immediately regretted it. The shop cutscenes trigger randomly now after you save certain characters, and I got one with the Nurse Joy that just... look, the dialogue is stupid, the art looks like a DeviantArt fever dream from 2010, and I've played through the beach area six times just to see if the new area past it has more of those cutscenes.

It's a mess. The shiny hunting mechanic barely works even after they patched it. The music is some fanmade Pokemon remix that gets stuck in your head like a parasite. I wish the boss fights let you run away still, but they changed that for some reason.

I just wanted to see the Eevee animation, man.

Pussymon episode 20, right. I fired it up on a shitty laptop that wheezes when you open more than two tabs and honestly the whole thing runs smooth as butter which is more than I can say for some triple A garbage I paid sixty bucks for last month. The teleport system they added, you just click it from your bag and bam you're at the volcano. No walking. I forgot I had it for like twenty minutes and kept trudging through the same forest path three times before I remembered. That's on me though.

The volcano area is where Blazgodon used to live and there's something genuinely funny about rolling up to this fire creature's old home and just... collecting pussymon there. Seven new ones this time, Viflameber and Viflamemja got new interactions too which I won't spoil but let's say the animations are doing things I didn't expect from a flash game. 25 new animations total. Some of them are rough around the edges, the loop points feel a bit janky on a couple, but the jank kind of adds to the whole unpolished charm this series has always had. The mysterious woods near Halloween town, I don't know man, I got lost in there for a while and not in a fun way. The map layout is confusing but then you stumble on a new pussymon and suddenly you don't care anymore.

The story is moving along I guess, there's dialogue that made me snort once or twice, mostly because of how direct it is about what's happening. No pretense. You're here to catch these creatures and fuck them, the game knows it, you know it. The teleport thing should've been in earlier episodes honestly, backtracking was a pain before. Oh and the bag interface is still kind of clunky, I kept clicking the wrong item because the hitboxes feel off. Not a dealbreaker. The volcano map has this lava glow effect that's actually pretty nice against the darker backgrounds. Anyway Blazgodon's old place has some secrets I haven't figured out yet, there's a corner that looks like it should do something but maybe it's just decoration. I'll poke at it more later.

The barbarian swings her axe and the goblin’s head pops off with a wet crunch, then she just stands there, tits out, breathing heavy. That’s the whole loop. Viktor made this as a performance test for animations, and honestly it shows in the best way. The combat feels like a stripped down Monster Hunter where instead of carving parts you get a nude elf doing a victory stretch. No armor system, no skill tree, just run around a greybox arena and chop up lizardmen until the framerate dips.

There’s a weird moment where a wolf monster grabs her leg and the animation glitches so her pelvis rotates 180 degrees. Still hot. The jiggle physics are tuned way too high, like someone set the breast mass to “water balloon full of soup,” and I kept getting distracted mid-fight because her ass clips through the fur loincloth every time she dodges. The sound design is just stock grunts and a looping wind track, but the way her mouth opens when she takes a hit made me forget to block.

Replayability is basically zero unless you’re into watching the same three death animations over and over. But the Patreon demo does exactly what it says: test if your browser can handle a naked barbarian fighting a minotaur without melting. Mine could, mostly. The minotaur’s cock is visible for exactly one frame before the camera cuts away, which feels like a promise Viktor forgot to keep. I’d complain more but the elf’s tits bounce for a full two seconds after she stops moving and that’s worth the download alone.

Poke-Con. That’s what they call the big event in Con-Quest, and honestly it’s a name that sounds like a bootleg t-shirt you’d find in a dark corner of a convention hall. The whole game has that energy. Deliberately rough around the edges, like a cosplayer who spent way too long on the cleavage window and forgot to hem the skirt. You play as some guy who just shows up, and the central loop is running quests for girls dressed as Pokemon. The Bulbasaur cosplayer is new in this version, and her story quest has you doing something with vines. I won’t spoil it, but the animation that unlocks later isn’t exactly subtle about where the vines end up.

Combat is where things get weirdly fascinating. It’s a turn based RPG with spells like Lightning Storm and Mothswarm. I spent an embarrassing amount of time abusing Lightning Storm because the stun chance was busted, and I see the patch notes now say they lowered it. Good. I was almost untouchable. But then I got a saved girl as a summon in a fight after finishing her hidden quest. You finish a hidden quest, which by the way are hidden so well I found one by accident while trying to clip through a wall, and suddenly during a random battle a topless character portrait flashes on screen and she casts a spell. It’s jarring in the best way. The shop room used to lag like hell, and I’d just sit there waiting for the gashapon machine to spit out another sticker while some random cutscene triggered. The RNG on that machine is a cruel mistress now, they say it properly reflects rarity, which just means I’m getting even more common stickers. I never did get the animated reward images. I know they’re in there. The patch notes taunt me.

The writing has this strange, almost broken charm. Dialogue skips if you click too fast, they fixed that apparently, but I kind of liked the jumbled text. It felt like the game was as flustered as I was. The whole thing is a parody of something we all know, but it’s too busy shoving its hand down its own pants to care about being clever. And yet, I keep going back to see if the Pikachu cosplayer’s second hidden quest will finally trigger. I think my save file is corrupted. It probably isn’t. This game just makes you doubt everything.

The Fruit Valley, right. Six new ones to catch and honestly the animations are where it's at, 19 of them this time and they're janky in that specific way where the loop almost lines up but doesn't quite, which somehow makes the whole thing dirtier. The Scarlet side quest scene has her doing this thing with her tongue that I rewound like four times before realizing I was supposed to be paying attention to the quest text. Over 150 lines of story apparently but who's counting when a new legendary is hiding behind a cheat manager paywall on Patreon.

The exploration is still that weird RPGmaker shuffle where you bump into invisible walls constantly and the Fruit Valley itself looks like someone discovered the hue slider and went nuts, everything's aggressively orange and pink. But then you trigger a capture animation and suddenly it's all fluid motion and wet sounds and the contrast between the clunky overworld and the surprisingly detailed scenes is giving me whiplash. There's a bug where one of the new pussymon clips through the ground during its idle animation and I left it there for a solid minute just watching it glitch out, half submerged, still making bedroom eyes at the camera. That's the experience. That's the whole thing.

Seven main quests and a side quest that I forgot to finish because I got distracted by the cheat menu options. The writing is exactly what you'd expect from a parody that's been running for 42 episodes, it's horny and it knows it and sometimes a character says something so stupid I snorted. The Xmas special is apparently next and I can't even imagine what that looks like. Probably a santa hat on something that shouldn't have one. The patreon link is right there if you want the uncensored legendary scene but the free episode already has enough to make you feel like you need a shower.

The whole thing feels like someone's messy sketchbook that they just decided to share, and honestly that's why it works. Pussymon. Yeah, the name is what it is. A Pokemon parody where you wander around a fantasy map and collect... creatures. Nude ones. The art is rough, like really rough, lines that don't quite meet and colors that sometimes bleed outside the edges, but there's this earnest horny energy behind every design that makes you forgive it. Or maybe not forgive, just accept. The dragon themed update added eight new ones and I spent way too long just looking at the evolution screen, that little moment where a creature shifts into something more powerful and more naked. It's simple but it hits.

The battle system got reworked this month. Something original, the dev says, and I can see what they mean even if it's still clunky as hell. Instead of just picking moves you're managing these sexcard things, and the flow of combat feels more like a weird puzzle than a traditional RPG fight. Sometimes it drags. Sometimes I wished I could just skip the whole thing and get back to exploring. But then a new Pussymon appears and suddenly I'm clicking through every menu again, feeding them candy to level up, watching stats go up. The candy system is just a grind but it's my grind, you know?

What kind of sicko enjoys this? Someone who played those bootleg Pokemon ROM hacks back in the day and thought "what if the monsters were hot." Someone who doesn't mind that the game is split into episodes now so you don't have to replay the prologue every update. That's actually smart. The prologue sits there finished and each new chunk just adds on. I wonder what theme comes next, ghosts maybe, or insects. The patreon probably has cheats. I keep thinking about that one dragon type with the tail, the way it curled in the preview image. The game is unpolished and weird and I already want the next episode.