Right, so the loading screen is literally just a jpeg of Kitty Pryde with her tits out. Not even a good jpeg, looks like it was compressed by a potato. And I'm sitting there thinking, okay, this is the level we're at. The whole thing runs in a browser and feels like a Flash game that escaped from 2006. You click around a barely drawn mansion, and the first "puzzle" is just clicking on Jean Grey's ass until a bar fills up. I spent way too long on that. Not because it was hard, but because the animation loop was so janky it became hypnotic. Her spine does something that physics shouldn't allow.

The premise is you're some new mutant and your power is apparently making every woman in the X-Mansion instantly DTF. It's a sandbox, so you just wander into rooms and there's Storm, looking like she's about to critique your life choices before a dialogue box pops up with "I need your... help with something." And then it's a handjob scene. The writing is this glorious trainwreck of broken English where Rogue's accent is spelled out phonetically in a way that feels like a hate crime against the state of Mississippi. There's a "corruption" mechanic that's just a number that goes up. No idea what it does. Maybe it unlocks the monster girl version of Mystique? I don't know, I got distracted by the fact that the "big ass" tag is doing a lot of heavy lifting for a character model that's just three circles.

The harem management is nonexistent. You just collect them. There's a rogue-like element? I think? Sometimes a sentinel shows up and you have to click on it, but failing just sends you back to the main menu with no punishment. The real challenge is not closing the tab when Emma Frost's dialogue starts looping. But then the Milf tag kicks in with a surprisingly detailed scene with Mystique and... look, the artist definitely had a favorite. The proportions are absurd. Like, medically concerning. And the teasing mechanic is just edging a meter. It's so on the nose it wraps back around to being art. I hate that I want to see if the redhead version of Jean Grey has different scenes. Probably not. The game is a mess. I'm going back in.

The whole thing feels like someone found a half finished Newgrounds animation from 2007 and just slapped some clickable hotspots on it. You know exactly what you're getting when you see "My Life as a Teenager Robot" in the tags, and yeah, it's Jenny Wakeman getting railed by these weird rock mutant things. The art style is deliberately crusty, like the creator stopped caring about line weight halfway through but honestly that adds to the charm? Or maybe I'm just nostalgic for when internet porn looked like it was drawn with a mouse in MS Paint.

There's this one scene where she's giving head and her eyes go all glitchy, pixels scattering for a second before she resets. That's the kind of detail that makes me wish the whole thing was more broken on purpose. Instead you get these stiff looped animations where the rock guys just sort of vibrate against her. The cumshot at the end is comically excessive, like a fire hose of white pixels, and I laughed out loud which I don't think was the intended reaction. The threesome bit has some weird clipping issues where one mutant's arm phases right through her torso and nobody acknowledges it. Jenny's just there with her permanent robot smile, taking it like a malfunctioning toaster.

I spent way too long trying to click on background elements hoping for easter eggs. There's a poster on the wall that looks like it might be a reference to something but the resolution is so crunchy I can't tell if it's a joke or just noise. The oral scenes have this wet sound effect that loops badly, cutting off mid squelch every three seconds. It drove me nuts. The android tag is doing a lot of heavy lifting here because without it you'd wonder why she doesn't need to breathe or why her joints bend backwards during one particularly ambitious position. The parody aspect is paper thin, just character designs and nothing else from the show. No Dr. Wakeman cameo, no Vexus, missed opportunity for some truly cursed material.

Three words: grimy, horny, chaotic.

Akabur's The Mating Season takes the whole tmnt crew and runs them through that signature trainer loop, except this time the mutants are the ones getting handled by April. You got the four turtles and Splinter in separate chapters, each with their own little corruption arc. The gangbang tag is there for a reason, by the final stretch April's got the whole sewer squad wrapped around her finger, or maybe the other way around depending how you play it. The 2d art is that classic Akabur style, all thick lines and exaggerated expressions, April's tits practically have their own gravity system. There's this one scene with Donatello where she's riding him against his stupid tech console and the dialogue options let you either degrade him or make him beg for more. That's the good shit.

But the pacing is all over the place. Some chapters feel like they rush straight to the cumshot while others drag through endless clicking. The Splinter section especially, you'd think the rat daddy would be the most taboo but it's weirdly tame until the last few scenes. Also the game never explains why the turtles suddenly have human dicks. Like, are they mutants all the way down or what? That's never addressed. And the sound design, or lack of it, there's no audio at all, just silence while April gets railed by a turtle shell. Kills the mood sometimes.

Still, for a browser game about April O'Neil getting passed around a sewer lair, it delivers exactly what the tags promise. The AMP mechanics are simple but effective, you just grind affection and corruption like every other Akabur title. No surprises there. But when the gangbang finale hits and all four turtles plus Splinter take turns on her, you'll forget the jank. Or maybe you'll just close the tab. Depends how much you like green skin.