Frank's prison break goes about as well as you'd expect - which is to say, absolutely terrible. One shipwreck later and this guy's washing up in Bikini Bottom looking like he got chewed up by Davy Jones himself. But here's where things get weird (and I mean WEIRD): instead of doing the sensible thing like finding help or maybe not impersonating cartoon characters, Frank decides the best survival strategy is pretending to be SpongeBob. Yeah, that SpongeBob. The yellow square dude who flips patties and annoys his neighbors.

What starts as a desperate con job turns into something way more fucked up than you bargained for. Frank's not just wearing the square pants - he's living the whole twisted fantasy, and apparently everyone in Bikini Bottom is way more... accommodating than the original show ever suggested. Sandy's got that Texas-sized appetite for more than just science experiments, if you catch my drift. The animation work is surprisingly smooth for what's basically underwater cartoon porn, though sometimes the character expressions look like they're having existential crises mid-scene. Can't blame them honestly. The sandbox elements let you wander around causing chaos at your own pace, which is perfect because rushing through this fever dream would be doing it a disservice. You'll find yourself clicking through dialogue just to see how much more absurd Frank's situation can get, and trust me, it gets pretty damn absurd.

The whole thing feels like someone took childhood nostalgia, threw it in a blender with adult fantasies, and hit the "completely unhinged" setting. Frank's supposed to be this hardened criminal but half the time he's bumbling around like he's never seen a talking starfish before. The male domination stuff works better than it should given the source material, probably because everyone's so committed to the bit. It's crude, it's ridiculous, and somehow that makes the sexy parts hit different. Just don't expect any deep character development - Frank's basically a horny plot device with commitment issues.

Storm, wet wood, that weird mix of salt and fear in your throat, and right in the middle of that you’ve got her: this perfect elven wife who still somehow looks holy even with her robes clinging to her curves. The game throws you onto this nameless island like the ocean just spat you out, and suddenly your “happily ever after” feels like a joke with bad timing. It’s not a complicated setup, actually kind of simple, which makes it worse. You, the loyal husband, still trying to act like a hero. Her, the devout priestess who actually believes all that purity talk. And then that guy, Borwin, this sweaty, wheezing sailor with piggy eyes who starts looking at her like she’s the last piece of meat in the world. The whole thing is a slow punch in the gut, because nothing explodes, nobody just jumps into fucking right away. It just stretches. Long glances. His “accidental” touches. Her nervous smile that hangs a little too long. And you get stuck watching, almost tasting that ugly mix of jealousy and arousal in your own mouth, like cheap rum you didn’t mean to drink.

What hit me hardest is how the game doesn’t rush the dirty stuff. First it plays with your brain. They’re sitting close to the fire, he laughs too loud, his hand lands on her thigh, and she doesn’t slap it away. Not right away. You feel that little sting in your chest, like, “hey, that’s my wife,” but you also stare at the screen longer than you should. When he ogles her tits through soaked fabric, it’s not subtle, and she notices, but instead of screaming she blushes and fidgets and pretends she didn’t see. It’s messed up, watching her slowly slide from “holy and untouchable” to “kind of flattered that this filthy bastard wants her so bad.” The corruption is mostly in her expressions, tiny shifts. Mouth a bit more parted when he leans close. Eyes not quite meeting yours. Then the touches change. His hand on her ass when he helps her “climb over a rock.” His fingers brushing along the inside of her thigh while he plays it off like he’s checking a wound. There’s a scene where she’s kneeling in front of him, supposedly “tending an injury,” and the camera knows exactly what your brain is doing. Her face is too close to his crotch, her lips too wet, and for a second the game just lets you sit there wondering if she’s going to use her mouth on him or if you’re just filthy for even thinking it.

At some point the line breaks and you don’t even remember exactly where. One night the priestess who swore her body belongs to the gods is on her back, robe pushed up, legs spread, and the guy filling her is not you. She moans in a way you’ve never heard from her scenes with you, louder, less controlled, like her body finally stopped pretending. Her tits bounce when he pounds into her, her ass lifts up to meet him, and you feel this horrible heat in your gut because the animation really leans into how much she’s getting into it. She grabs his arm, begs him not to stop, and the worst part is how her words sound half like prayer, half like porn. There’s this nasty little bit where he gropes her under the pretense of “warming her up” after a cold night, his thick fingers pushing under her clothes, and she’s shivering but not from the cold anymore. She bites her lip, tries to mumble something about “marriage vows,” but she’s grinding against his hand while she says it. Oral, handjob, full-on fucking, it all comes, just not in the order your pride would like. The game never lets you escape that tight, ugly feeling of watching your “treasure” get taken, then watching her start to want it more than anything you ever gave her. And you know what makes it even dirtier? There’s no choice to fix it, no magic button to “save” her. You’re just there, stuck in your own skin, watching this elf with a big perfect ass and soft bouncing tits get slowly rewritten by a disgusting sailor, and somewhere in the middle of her crying and moaning you realize you’re stroking yourself and hating yourself at the same time.

Henry’s Adventures starts all quiet and cozy in this little mountain village, and then five minutes later you’re balls deep in trouble, literally and not. You walk around thinking “ok, classic fantasy, nice trees, simple quests,” and then an elf girl with ears sharp enough to cut paper bends over a table and the camera just zooms in on that ridiculous ass like the game knows exactly why you’re here. It’s very honest like that. One second you’re talking about bandits, next second she’s on her knees, drool running down her lip while she works your cock with both hands, and the dialogue is trying so hard to stay serious that it becomes kind of funny. Henry himself is this young dude who looks a bit too clean to be hiking through monster nests, but the moment he starts fucking he goes full bully mode, grabbing hair, pushing heads down, stuffing girls full and then acting like it’s normal village routine.

What actually stuck with me is how horny the world itself feels. You go into a cave thinking “ok, some generic monster fight,” and instead there’s a thick green orc girl with arms like a gym bro and tits that almost spill out of her armor. She pins Henry to the rock wall and you think you’re dead, but it turns into this rough, messy scene where you end up fucking her stupid while her muscles twitch around you. Then later there’s this vampire chick in an old ruin, pale skin, red eyes, tits barely contained in that corset joke she’s wearing. She pretends she wants your blood, then drops down and starts licking your shaft like it’s some rare wine, slow and teasing, until you finally grab her head and fuck her face. The animation sells it well when she gags and her throat bulges around you, and when you finish she doesn’t just swallow, you actually see the cum spill out and slide down her chin before she smears it with her thumb and licks it. Real nice detail. Kind of annoying that sometimes the dialogue boxes cover exactly the part you want to watch, and you keep tapping on mobile praying you don’t accidentally skip the good frame, but whatever, I still kept going from scene to scene like a degenerate squirrel hunting nuts.

The game really loves threesomes too. At one point you stumble into a campfire scene with an orc girl and an elf sharing a drink, and somehow that turns into both of them arguing who rides you first. You lie on your back, elf bouncing on your cock, her big tits jumping everywhere, while the orc sits on your face and grinds so hard you almost feel it through the screen. When you pull out at the end and creampie the elf, it’s not just a quick white flash. It’s slow, you see her pussy stretching around you, then thick cum pouring back out while she clenches and moans like she can’t decide if she wants more or less. Later there is a spider girl or something like that, I still don’t know what she was exactly because I skipped her talking too fast, but she gave a handjob that went from gentle to full-on abuse in three clicks and I liked it way more than I want to admit. Not all scenes hit the same. Some feel a bit rushed, like the build up is there but then the actual sex is over too quick, and sometimes faces look weird when they’re moaning. Still, the way Henry just walks around this fantasy land and casually fucks anything with fangs, ears or claws like it’s part of the adventure, that part is burned in my brain more than the “save the world” stuff. I opened it “just to check it” on my phone while waiting for a download on Steam and ended up finishing three times before I even remembered what I was supposed to play in the first place.

Thief of Hearts feels like someone mashed a crime thriller with a horny family soap and then forgot to take out any of the messy bits. You play this young guy who is supposed to be a smooth criminal, sneaking around a city full of cameras, cops and idiots, but somehow most of your “heists” end with a naked ass pressed against something expensive. One second you’re planning a break in at a fancy apartment complex, studying guard routes on a shitty tablet UI, the next second you’re peeking through a door and catching your voluptuous “relative” bent over the couch, skirt around her waist, boobs swinging while she fingers herself to some cheap porn audio. Game just lets you stand there and watch, zoom in on her big tits, listen to all those needy little moans, while a small timer in the corner is like “leave before she notices”. Of course you don’t. You stay, you get caught, you get called a pervert, and then five dialogue lines later she’s pressing your hand between her thighs and asking if you’re “as hard as you look”. Morals die very fast here.

The pacing is weird in a nice way. You’re supposed to be building a crew, doing jobs, choosing who to trust, but the real choices feel more like “do you grope her on the bus or wait until she’s in the shower” and somehow both paths end in a blowjob anyway. There is a whole school arc where you pretend to be a normal student, but half the time you’re staring at thick asses in too-tight uniforms, helping some innocent looking girl “practice stripping” for a party that obviously turns into a private dance for you. Clothes slide off, bra hits the floor, she tries to act shy while her nipples are already hard and your hand is under her skirt. The animations are not perfect, sometimes the hips move like they forgot basic physics, but when she’s on her knees and you see that slow, wet handjob morph into sloppy oral, with drool on her chin and this lazy eye contact, it suddenly doesn’t matter. You get a lot of teasing too, women grinding on your lap during group meetings, lips brushing your ear while they talk about “targets” and really mean your cock. There is milf content all over the place, thick moms with heavy tits who pretend they’re oh so worried about your criminal life and two scenes later they’re riding you in the kitchen, tits bouncing, calling you their “bad boy” like that excuses the incest vibes at all. Vaginal, oral, mutual masturbation, some voyeur stuff when you spy on more than one person at once, it all stacks up until the actual robbery feels like a polite excuse to get everyone naked in the same room. I kinda hate how one of the best animated scenes is just a small thing in a stairwell where you pin her against the wall, yank her panties aside and slide in while she tries not to be loud because the rest of the crew is right below you. Also the save menu icon is ugly as fuck and I think about it every time I climax and then forget what I was mad about.