Vault Wanderer is one of those horny little parody projects that feels like it started as a shitpost between friends on Discord and somehow became an actual game. You play this guy who crawls out of a comfy underground vault into a wasteland that is less about radiation and more about who is fucking who, and with what. The whole thing mixes classic turn based RPG combat with stupid jokes and very explicit scenes that just kind of slam into you out of nowhere. One second you are clicking through some goofy dialogue about bottle caps, the next you are watching a futa raider get her dick sucked in a surprisingly long animated loop while your character pretends he is not into it. The game loves voyeurism like crazy. Almost every location has some “oops I walked in on them” moment, except it is never really an accident and everybody is cool with you standing in the corner jerking off. Or pretending to “research.” The writing knows exactly what it is doing: it makes fun of the wasteland clichés, then uses the same clichés to justify a harem route where every big tits, big ass, wrong-race-for-this-town waifu somehow ends up in your camp.

What surprised me most is how messy but confident the sandbox structure is. You are just dropped on the surface with this point and click map and told to explore, and the game absolutely does not care if you go straight to a lesbian futa bar and stall your “main quest” for two hours doing nothing except footjobs and blowjobs in different outfits. There is real RPG stuff happening in the background: stats, turn based fights, random encounters that sometimes end in actual combat and sometimes turn straight into oral sex scenes if you pick the horny dialogue option. I lost one fight because I was too distracted watching the enemy’s boobs bounce in the attack animation, which is a stupid reason to reload, but here we are. The art is simple 2D CG but the animations have just enough motion to make the scenes feel alive without turning into weird rubber people. Some of the interracial setups are actually hot, then the game drops a joke so bad it short circuits the mood and you kind of hate it for ten seconds, until the next harem scene where three girls are roleplaying “capturing” you and you forget you were mad. The mobile support is oddly good too; I tried it on my phone while half-slouching on the couch with Chrome open and it ran smoother than some serious games on Steam. Sometimes the text spacing gets fucked on smaller screens and nobody bothered to fix it, which annoyed me for like a full minute while I was trying to read a masturbation scene and the last line wrapped in a stupid way, and then I clicked next and forgot. That is basically the whole vibe here: horny, rough around edges, a little broken, but when the wasteland mommy with huge boobs kneels down for oral and the camera zooms in just right, your brain stops caring about polish completely.

City looks almost normal from far away, but when you drop into this game and see that alley, with the corpse still fresh and those glowing symbols scratching the walls, it feels like you just walked backstage into the wrong show. You’re Detective Hart, sure, big coat, serious face, typical noir guy, but the story flips so fast. The ritual doesn’t stop with the dead body, it kind of slides under your skin instead. One minute you click on a weird relic to “inspect evidence”, next minute you’re flat on your back with some smug milf in shredded cosplay heels grinding her huge ass over your chest, explaining “arcane marks” while her tits are basically screaming in your face. The whole point & click thing becomes this slow tease: every hotspot you explore is like someone putting a thumb on your zipper, not pulling yet, just testing the tension.

Artifacts in this city don’t just give power, they pick their toys, and they really like you. There’s this one scene in a run-down club, all neon purple reflections and sticky floor. You’re supposed to interrogate a suspect, female dom vibe from the start, tight latex corset, fake demon horns, that smug ahegao half-smile like she already knows how you taste. You click on her boots first, because of course you do, and suddenly the POV drops right to the floor. She pins your wrists with one heel, toes sliding over your crotch, slow, lazy footjob while she “questions” you about the Queen. Every question is an order. Every answer you get wrong, she speeds up a little. And you kind of want to get them wrong. The game doesn’t shout at you about choices, it just lets you click, react, and then you realize that one tiny decision in a dialogue tree means the next CG is a rough titfuck against a wall instead of a soft blowjob on the couch.

Best part is how messy the sex is with the magic stuff. These cursed relics keep warping scenes. Like, you pick up this small, innocent looking amulet in an antique shop, and when you come back to your motel, the milf landlord is waiting in the hallway in a “just a towel” cosplay that never existed before. You see it in POV, her big tits dripping water, towel half-open, and she starts “helping” you relax from the case. Handjob at first, slow, almost too gentle, then she uses those huge breasts and spits on your shaft, pushing them together, fucking you between them while the amulet pulses somewhere on the nightstand. If you click on her eyes instead of her chest, she suddenly goes full ritual mode, climbs on top, rides you raw, big ass bouncing in your lap while she whispers about the trapped Queen and how your cum is part of the key. She holds you inside when you start to twitch, no choice to pull out, you feel that creampie vibe in the CG, her stomach slightly tense, that satisfied, filthy ahegao like “yeah, that one counted”.

Later, when the anal scenes start showing up, it’s not just random kink. It’s like every time you press too deep into this cursed world, the women press too deep into you. There’s this alleyway callback, where a cosplaying cultist pins you to the hood of a car. She’s in some fake nun outfit that would get you banned from half of Twitch, and she uses your own tie to bind your hands. You think it’s just another blowjob, her lips working up and down, spit glistening, her hand twisting your shaft, but the relic under her garter flares and suddenly she turns around, spreads her big ass, and just sinks down on you in one brutal move. No slow prep, just that one hot, painful-good thrust, her ass swallowing your cock while she looks over her shoulder making full ahegao, tongue out, eyes rolled, like the demon queen is watching through her. And yes, I know I said my favorite was the tender motel titfuck, but I lied, this rough car-hood anal owns my brain now. The teasing in this game is cruel in a fun way: they let you hover right at that edge with a foot sliding along your shaft, or a tongue circling just the tip, then slam you deep into a scene that ends with a messy creampie and a little note somewhere in the UI that another artifact “accepts your offering”. It’s horny, clumsy in spots, the AI CG sometimes makes a thigh too thick or a hand slightly weird, but honestly that makes it hotter, like a dirty sketchbook instead of some perfect poster. Every new scene feels like fuel for a different burlesque number in my head, lots of slow reveals, big ass turns, lipstick marks on detective badges, and a city that moans back when you touch it in the right place.

You come back from this secret magic unit thinking you’ve seen some weird shit already, then Stormside Academy just looks at you and says “hold my beer”. On the surface it’s exactly what it pretends to be: big fancy international school, uniforms that pretend to be modest, teachers who talk about “standards” while their eyes go straight to the girls’ thighs. Underneath that, there’s this whole twisted system where every girl is basically one bad grade away from being bent over a desk, and everyone acts like it’s just part of the handbook. The thing that caught me is how normal it feels for the characters. They talk about oral exams and you have to pause a second because you know they mean both kinds. Nobody’s shocked for long. They’re nervous, turned on, scared, proud, all at once. It actually feels like a place with rules, not just “click here to fuck her”. Even when you’re literally timing a spanking so it lines up with her breathing, it fits the school logic in a fucked up way.

You end up taking the role of the Magistrate, which sounds super formal, then two minutes later you’re telling a shy honor student to strip in front of the class and describing it like “corrective public instruction”. The power fantasy is not subtle at all. You say it’s about whether you protect them or use them, but the game is happiest when you’re right in the middle, pretending you’re doing this for their benefit while your cock is in their mouth. Some scenes are surprisingly sweet. I didn’t expect to care when Riley shakes and tries to keep eye contact while you slide a toy inside her to “help with focus training”, but the voice in her head, the way she bites her lip, it sells it. Then two clicks later you’re making Cassie hold a humiliating pose in the hallway so everyone can see her tits bounce each time you slap her ass. It gets even nastier when you mix in those magic talents. One girl’s power flares up when she orgasms, so you’re literally edging her as school safety procedure. Another can see ghosts, so now there’s a voyeur audience even when you’re technically “alone” with her, and the game just treats that as normal.

And yeah, I’m the weirdo who spends half the time listening. The sound work is messy in a way that actually feels good. Not Hollywood-quality stuff, but the wet noises during a titfuck have that sticky little pause that you only get when someone actually pressed skin against skin instead of using a generic loop. Some moans clip slightly when the girls ahegao hard and it weirdly fits, like they’re too loud for the mic. You get clear differences too: quiet shaky breaths when a girl is forced to masturbate in a locked classroom stall vs that sharp hitch in her throat when you suddenly switch to rougher, more dominant play and make her say she’s your slave. Oral scenes have this soft slur around the words that made me grin, because yeah, that’s how it sounds when someone’s trying to talk with a dick halfway down. There is one annoying thing where a certain toy buzz repeats too perfectly and once you notice it, you can’t unhear it, but the rest of the layering hides it most of the time. Lesbian punishment “sessions” have lighter, quicker breath patterns and more giggles, which makes it feel different from when you’re on top of them. And when you’re watching through a crack in the door, the sound is slightly muffled, like someone finally understood voyeurism isn’t just a camera angle. Really, the whole place feels alive just from the mix of footsteps in the corridor, distant cries from another “correction”, and the soft, shameful little whimpers in your own office when a girl tries not to make a sound and completely fails.

Thanksgiving in this game feels like somebody spiked the gravy with lust potion and forgot to tell the hostess. You’re dropped in as this cocky asshole of an adventurer who’s supposed to help with a “magical feast,” but honestly you spend more time buried between thighs than near an oven. One moment you’re picking herbs in a sparkly forest, next moment a fairy with tits bigger than her head is straddling your face, teasing you with her wings and rubbing against your nose while she pretends you’re “just helping with pollen.” Yeah, sure. The point and click stuff is actually kinda nice on mobile, just tapping around, poking things, accidentally triggering voyeur scenes because you clicked the wrong bush and now you’re spying on a milf witch masturbating with a glowing wand that hums louder the closer she gets. She keeps moaning about needing “ingredients” while she’s grinding that wand over her clit, and your dude just hides like some pervy little goblin, rock hard, not even pretending he’s there for noble reasons.

The crazy part is how they mix silly humor with really filthy content. You’re chatting with a demon girl about stuffing turkeys, and two clicks later she’s talking about stuffing your ass instead, then shoving you onto a stone table and riding you like she’s trying to break your spine. She has these slight monster girl vibes, horns and tail, curling that tail around your throat while she bounces on your cock, big ass slapping against your hips. She calls it “ritual bonding,” but it’s just her making you cum three times while you beg her to slow down. Sometimes the sandbox exploration feels a little too open and I got lost in some enchanted village, wandering around tapping random doors until I ended up peeking through a window and seeing an aunt-like milf bent over the table, giant tits hanging, getting throat-fucked by some faceless spirit. You can choose to walk away, but of course I stayed, watching, hand slowly stroking under my clothes like some horny loser. I liked that the game just lets you be that creep without judging. The turn based combat is almost a joke, half the enemies are sexy ninjas or demon maids, and half of their attacks are teasing moves. One dark ninja girl pins you down as a “stun,” sits on your chest and makes you lick her through her tight outfit until your stamina drops, then you finish the fight by using some ridiculous superpower that blasts her clothes off and leaves her kneeling, panting, begging for your “mercy.” You can deny her or pull her hair and use her mouth, and the animation when she chokes on your cock, tears in her eyes, is surprisingly hot for something that also has slapstick moments with talking turkey legs. It feels like a horny fever dream cooked by a Disney fan who watched way too much hentai, and I kind of hate how much it worked on me.