I didn’t expect to laugh this much during what’s basically a porn game about rebuilding civilization with your dick, but here we are. “Dickcare” doesn’t even pretend to have subtlety, which somehow makes it better. It’s like the dev looked at every crossover hentai fantasy - Velma squinting behind foggy glasses, Raven pretending she’s not into it, Tatsumaki rolling her eyes while secretly moaning - and said, yeah, let’s just throw them all in one ruined world and call it salvation. The writing’s half self-aware and half deranged sincerity; the voice lines swing between awkwardly horny and genuinely funny. There’s one scene with Frankie in a busted gym locker room that made me pause, not because it was hot (though it is), but because she calls you “hero” in this weird soft tone right before things get messy. It stays in your head longer than expected.

What’s wild is how much *sound* adds to everything. You can tell someone cared about the way a zipper slides down or the slap echoing off concrete walls. The sandbox part? Looser than it sounds. You wander, talk, get distracted by some zombie side plot that doesn’t matter, and suddenly Velma’s stuck halfway through a ventilation shaft. It’s ridiculous, yeah, but also... kind of perfect. There’s no grind, no fake moral choice. Just dirty, absurd freedom. Though, I swear one moaning loop cuts off too early - it’s such a small glitch but now I obsess over it. Maybe that’s the point: perfection would ruin the charm.

It’s funny how a game full of cum jokes and cartoon parodies ends up feeling more alive than most serious stuff. Maybe because it doesn’t care if you take it seriously. One minute you’re saving humanity, next you’re wiping something off Raven’s cape while she pretends not to blush. If there were awards for “Most Unnecessarily Emotional Cum Scene,” this one wins without competition.

You drop into this thing as some rando mutant with a grab bag of superpowers and zero self-control, and the game basically asks, “ok, which X-babe are you corrupting first?” There’s no slow build, it just kind of throws you into the mansion vibe, with Kitty sneaking around walls, Rogue acting all “don’t touch me” and then totally letting you touch her anyway if you play your cards right, and Jean pretending she’s too important for your shit while clearly not being that strong against a bit of psychic teasing. It feels like a horny sandbox fanfic that someone made interactive after scrolling through way too many hentai tabs on Chrome. In a good way. Mostly.

The whole thing runs like a messy fantasy roleplay where you’re half student, half walking sex cheat code. One moment you’re in a “training session” with Storm, and she’s lecturing you about focus and discipline, then five dialogue clicks later she’s using lightning to pin you in place while she jerks you off slow, like she’s testing how long you can last under pressure. Kitty is peak brat energy: phasing in halfway through a scene, sitting on your lap like it’s nothing, then clipping out of your grip right when you’re about to blow, just to make you chase her through the mansion corridors. Sometimes the pacing is weird, like a scene looks like it’s building to a full-on threesome and suddenly you get kicked back to wandering around again. And the UI has this tiny button in the corner that you always forget, and it hides important stuff, and somehow that annoys more than it should.

There’s this “corruption” angle that sneaks up on you. At first you flirt, goof around, maybe get a handjob from Rogue while she struggles with her powers and gloves, and it feels kind of romantic in a fucked-up way. Then you realize you’ve slowly pushed her into public blowjob territory in the Danger Room while alarms flash red and robots spawn in the background. Jean starts as the classic redhead moral compass, but give her enough psychic pressure and she goes from lecture mode to “fine, I’ll sit on your face, but only to keep you quiet” in like three visits. Storm is accidentally the best milf in the game, all strict teacher energy with that calm, heavy-ass presence. Half the time I caught myself clicking through dialogue too fast, then going back like an idiot because the teasing lines actually carry the scenes. There are monster girls and weirder mutant stuff too, like the game forgot it was an X-Men parody and wandered into hentai swamp for a while, which honestly fits. Sometimes it feels like a horny fever dream cooked up on a broken phone during a commute, other times it hits that perfect sweet spot where you’re juggling a harem of big-titted superwomen and thinking “yeah, this is exactly the kind of trash my brain wanted today.”

Keigo feels like that dude who peaked in high school but actually never even peaked, just failed quietly and then left town. Now he drags his ass back, broke, horny, and still kinda pathetic, crashing at Ichigo’s place like some NPC side character who accidentally got promoted to main character. Ichigo’s still Ichigo, of course, walking cheat code for popularity, swords, and women, and somehow he’s married to Orihime now. And she’s exactly what all those old Bleach fanarts promised, just turned up to shameless hentai levels: giant soft tits that bounce a little too perfectly when she laughs, thighs that don’t even pretend to fit normal clothes, that smile that looks innocent until the camera angle proves it isn’t. The game knows why you clicked. It doesn’t pretend otherwise for even half a second.

What I liked is how the whole thing feels wrong in a very specific way. You’re in Ichigo’s tiny place, pretending to look for a job on your cracked phone, scrolling fake job posts like it’s LinkedIn hell, while Orihime leans over the couch in those shorts that absolutely do not count as shorts, asking if you want more tea, and you’re trying to not stare at her ass and failing completely. The mobile UI actually fits the vibe here: it feels like you’re sneaking porn in a WhatsApp group while sitting at a family dinner you weren’t invited to. Keigo tries to act like a good guest, but the game keeps throwing you small choices that slide from “just chat” into “ok, that was not friendly anymore” and then into “yeah, Ichigo would definitely punch you for this.” You start with mild flirting, then accidental boob touch that is obviously not an accident, then late night scenes in the hallway where she whispers too close, breathing on your neck, pretending she’s worried about you when her nipples are poking right through her shirt. It goes from soft corruption into full-on “I want you to fuck me while my husband is in the other room” without ever doing that big dramatic turn, it just slowly rots. Like mold on bread, sexy mold.

Sex scenes themselves are exactly what you expect and then a bit worse in the best way. Orihime rides you with those massive tits clapping in your face, eyes glazed, sucking her finger, begging you not to cum inside her, and of course the only button you actually notice is the one that makes you drain every drop in her anyway. Animated loops focus on the important stuff: her ass slamming down on your cock while you watch the ring of white around the base grow thicker, the way her belly jiggles when you push her legs up and fuck her hard, the little moment she presses a hand to her womb like she can feel you filling her. There’s a scene where Ichigo’s in the shower, humming like some idiot protagonist, and you’re behind Orihime on the kitchen table, her hair spread, creampie dripping out while she clenches around you trying not to moan too loud. The guilt is there for Keigo, kind of, but the game doesn’t pretend he’s a good guy. Which is nice. He’s just a horny loser finally getting the girl he always watched from the corner, and he ruins everything with a smile.

Weird thing that bugged me way too much: that one text notification sound they use keeps popping up in the middle of the hottest scenes, and it sounds exactly like a Telegram ping, so I kept pausing thinking someone actually messaged me. Completely yanked me out of a creampie once, I’m still annoyed about that. Also, sometimes the writing swings between decently hot dirty talk and those awkward lines like “I feel your naughty rod deep inside my womanhood” and it’s hilarious in the middle of all the moaning. But then Orihime throws her head back, calls you by name, and begs for more like she’s never been properly fucked before, and suddenly the cheesy lines don’t matter. It feels like some degenerate Bleach doujin that escaped from 2010, grabbed your phone, and decided Keigo finally deserves his turn to be scum. Honestly, he doesn’t, which is why it works.

Valentine is not some shy anime boy with big eyes. He is this rough, slightly broken ex-soldier who now lives with bruised knuckles and bright lights in an MMA cage. The game throws you into his head right away, no slow build, no “tutorial date.” One moment you are watching him walk into a London gym, smelling sweat and cheap cleaning spray, the next moment a punch connects and time almost freezes on a close-up of teeth, blood, and that sick little grin he has when a fight finally gets good. It feels like a porn game that accidentally grew a spine and decided to care about pressure, about fear, about what happens when your body is your job and everyone wants a piece of it. Then it remembers it is porn and goes “oh yeah” and puts a girl on her knees in front of him, mascara already a bit ruined, tongue pressed against his shaft in an animated loop that honestly looks way better than I expected from a browser thing.

The sex scenes are where it stops pretending to be classy. You have blondes, brunettes, one fiery redhead with this smug face that just screams “I’m going to ruin your life and you will say thank you.” They are not just generic CGs slapped in. The camera loves the little things: a hand twisting in his shorts before she pulls them down, spit mixing with pre-cum on a blowjob, lips stretching wide around him, that tiny moment when the girl hesitates because she is still a virgin and then your click pushes everything forward. You pick if Valentine is gentle or if he just grabs her hips and buries himself inside like he forgot what patience means. Moans change, eyes change, the way they clutch the sheets or his skin changes. Sometimes you get a slow handjob next to a window after a fight, his knuckles still taped and bruised, her thumb lazily rubbing the tip while she whispers shit in his ear. Other times you go from locker room trash talk straight into a rough oral scene, her mouth full, cheeks hollowed, mascara a total mess, and you can actually see her throat flex when he thrusts too deep. I kinda hate how some of the dialogue sounds like a horny teenager wrote it, but then a single animation of a girl rolling her hips on his lap completely shuts my brain off and I forget to complain.