Nothing feels more cursed and perfect than loading this thing up and realizing your horny teenage cartoon crush brain never actually grew up. One second you scroll TikTok, next second you’re in a hotel room trying to remember how to flirt in English with a girl who looks suspiciously like Kim Possible but with way less clothing and way more bedroom eyes. The whole vibe is like someone mashed together those old Cartoon Network and Nickelodeon shows in Blender, spilled some porn on the keyboard, and went “yeah, this is good enough.” And somehow it really is. You start as this pretty basic male protagonist, nothing special, just a stand in for your own confused soul, and you get thrown into a world where Katara is blushing and playing shy, Raven looks like she wants to hex you and sit on your face at the same time, and Starfire is smiling like she doesn’t fully understand human boundaries but is super excited to learn on your lap. Every route kind of feels like a fanfic you found on AO3 at the wrong age and never recovered from, except now you actually get to pick the choices instead of just scrolling with one sticky hand and pretending you’re reading for the plot.

Ren’Py stuff always has a certain clunky charm and this one leans into it hard. Text pops up, you click, suddenly Katara is pressing herself against you and the camera is just a little bit too close on her tits, like the dev moved it by hand and said “yeah whatever, that’s good.” Sometimes the English on the choices feels like it’s in the same level as my own, like “Say something romantic” and then your character just blurts out some weird cheesy line that would get you blocked on Instagram, but here it somehow works and she actually smiles. Dialog swings between kind of sweet romance and absolutely filthy trash talk in like two screens. One minute Gwen is shyly telling you she never did this before, next minute she is riding you with this ridiculous anime moaning that would get you kicked out of Discord if you left your mic on. The 3D character models look exactly like those Koikatsu screenshots you see in horny subreddits, slightly plastic skin, huge eyes, weirdly perfect hair, but when Raven slowly undresses and her bra clips a little through her arm, you don’t care at all. You’re just there going “yeah, that’s her, that’s my gloomy cartoon goth wife from TV, finally doing what my 13 year old brain wanted.”

It’s kind of funny how you start trying to “roleplay” a gentleman and five minutes later you click every horny option possible. Like you promise yourself you’ll go slow with Mavis, be cute and respectful, but the game throws this scene where she leans in, fangs barely showing, and whispers something about wanting to taste more than blood, and your fingers betray you immediately. Some routes pretend to be romance and then quickly turn full-on porn; some pretend to be porn and accidentally stumble into feelings. Starfire calling you “boyfriend” after you just railed her on a couch that looks like it came from The Sims really hits different. I kept getting distracted by tiny stuff, like how the hotel backgrounds look slightly too clean, like nobody ever actually slept or fucked there before you, and it annoyed me every time, then I’d forget because suddenly Kim is in a tight dress she clearly can’t breathe in and the only sensible thing to do is help her “take it off.” The pacing is all over the place, sometimes you click through five lines of small talk, then bam, titjob, no warning. Choices actually matter sometimes, sometimes they absolutely don’t, and you only realize after a second playthrough because you were too busy watching Katara’s hips grinding in that weird perfect loop. Whole thing feels like a horny fever dream made by people who loved the same cartoons you did, and maybe had a bit too much free time and access to Koikatsu. I kept telling myself “one more scene and I close it” and then Raven showed up again with that smug little smirk and yeah. Self control gone.

So there's this game called Cartoon Hearts and honestly? It's kinda weird but in that good way where you can't look away from a car crash, except the car crash is horny teenagers and cartoon characters going to high school together.

You play some random dude - because it's always some random dude, isn't it - walking around what looks like a normal city but surprise! Raven's doing her goth thing in art class, Violet Parr's trying not to phase through her desk during math, and Starfire's probably setting something on fire in chemistry because that's just Tuesday for her. The whole setup is unhinged in the best possible way. Like someone took Saturday morning cartoons and said "what if they all went to the same school and had raging hormones?" which is either brilliant or deeply concerning depending on your perspective. The writing bounces between actually clever character interactions and moments where you're like wait did Raven just say that? Because she did and it's weird but also... kinda works?

Each girl's got her whole personality thing going on - shy artist with mysterious vibes, popular athlete who's secretly insecure, alien princess who doesn't understand human customs but definitely understands human anatomy. Standard visual novel fare but with characters you actually recognize instead of Generic Anime Girl #47. The dialogue gets pretty explicit when things heat up, which they do because that's literally the point. Some scenes hit different when it's characters you've known since you were like twelve, creates this whole cognitive dissonance that's either your thing or absolutely not your thing. No middle ground here. The art style does this thing where it tries to stay true to the original designs while making them more... adult-oriented, if you catch my drift. Sometimes it works great, other times Starfire looks like she walked out of a completely different universe than Teen Titans but whatever, you're not here for art consistency anyway.