Samus already had my attention when I saw “lost a fight” and “humiliated in front of everyone” in one line. It hits that really trashy fantasy button where the strong, proud heroine just gets absolutely ruined, and yeah, it’s messed up and that’s why I clicked. You start right after she’s beaten, all suited up in that iconic armor, but it’s useless now, she’s not the badass bounty hunter here, just a toy. Crowd around, arena vibe, like a twisted Smash Bros match that nobody on Twitch is allowed to see. Charizard is not some cute little fire lizard here, he’s a full on hentai monster with a cock way too big for any kind of real logic, and the game doesn’t pretend to be realistic. That part I liked, actually. If I’m watching Samus get *** by a dragon, I’m not here for realism anyway.

What really got me was how they lean hard into the anal angle first, like her ass is the main event, not just a bonus. She’s bending over, still wearing parts of that blue suit, ass exposed, trying to keep her dignity, while this huge dragon pokes his head between her cheeks, and she knows exactly what’s going to happen. There’s no soft romance build up, no “are you sure?” Just raw domination. He shoves into her ass in one brutal push, and you get this kind of ugly, hot mix of pain and forced pleasure. She’s trying to keep her face strong but you see the moment her eyes roll a bit, and that fucked me up in a good way. She was always this cold, untouchable blonde warrior and now she’s gasping and moaning while this Pokémon breaks her backdoor. You get pussy shots too, with his balls slapping against her, wetness dripping even though storywise she “should” hate it, and that dirty contradiction made it hotter for me. I say I prefer consent, but then I’m here jerking to a dragon pounding Samus until she can’t stand. So I don’t know, my morals are a bit lost.

Later he flips her, uses her pussy too, and that’s when the whole “won’t stop until he cums inside” part really kicks in. You see his fat tip stretching her, sliding in and out, Samus biting her lip and shaking, like she wants to push him away but her legs stay open anyway. They really make the creampie feel like a goal: his thrusts get faster, her voice gets more desperate and high pitched, and when he finally unloads, it just spills out of her, both from her ass and her pussy, white dripping everywhere, like he’s marking a new territory right in the middle of a Nintendo arena. It’s nasty in a very specific way, like watching your childhood cartridges get thrown in a blender full of porn mags. I kinda wish they played a silly Smash announcer voice in the background saying something like “Samus defeated!” or whatever, but they don’t, and I kept waiting for some little game sound that never came. Even so, the whole thing feels like a dirty secret page torn from a hentai doujin you shouldn’t be reading at all, but you keep going back to it when horny and lonely and tired of swiping left on fucking Tinder. Honestly, if your brain is wired like mine where “strong blonde space hunter gets turned into a breeding toy by a giant dragon” pushes your buttons, this thing crawls under your skin in the worst possible way and refuses to leave.

Link looks tired here in a good way, like that kind of tired when you already fucked the main princess too long and now your body screams for something new and a bit wrong. Midna shows up with that smug face, small tits, weird imp body and this “I’m trouble” vibe, and the whole game is basically you finding out exactly how much trouble she is. It feels like a choose your own porn route, but cut down to only the good parts, no slow build, no long dialogs, just: what do you want to do to her next, and where do you want to finish. I’d call it horny minimalism, if my English was better. You click, she reacts, her mouth, her pussy, her ass, all become like different paths in a short dirty adventure book where every page ends in cum. I spent way too long on the blowjob option only, because the way she looks up at Link while taking him deep, that hits some weird elf-imp brain button for me. Also, yeah, I keep typing “minda” by mistake and then laughing, so if you see it written wrong my brain did that, not autocorrect.

The funny part is, the game doesn’t pretend to be more than it is. You wanna make Midna masturbate a bit before you fuck her? Click. You wanna shove it in her pussy, watch her stretch around it, then change your mind and go for anal, like you’re flipping pages back and forth in some horny “turn to page 69” book? Go ahead. The transitions between positions are very direct, like the dev also has zero patience for teasing. One second she’s choking on cock, you switch, next second she’s getting her ass filled. I actually liked that it lets you choose where to shoot every time: facial, pussy creampie, ass creampie, even just paint her all over. It’s a stupidly simple thing but it makes you feel like you are directing a really trashy Zelda porno parody in your browser instead of just watching a loop on Pornhub. At one point I kept retrying the facial because I wanted that perfect “all over her smug face” finish and the button was a tiny bit off from where my mouse muscle memory expected, and it annoyed me way more than it should, but I still did it like ten times. Story enjoyers, yeah, there is not much talking here, Link doesn’t say shit and Midna just moans and reacts, but as a long time choose-your-own-adventure nerd, this feels like someone ripped all the fluff out and left me only the branches that end with her stuffed and dripping. Zelda is mentioned like some old save file you don’t load anymore, and that’s kind of hot by itself, like you cheated on your own childhood game. In my headcanon he goes back to the castle with Midna’s cum still drying on his tunic and nobody asks anything.

This thing feels like someone ripped open the horny part of a Wii-era kid brain and just poured it straight into a browser window. No story, no "context", just that raw, silly, kind of guilty fantasy of Nintendo icons getting railed, and the game doesn’t pretend to be anything else. You load it up, and bam: there’s Samus, there’s Peach, Daisy, Shantae, a random blonde or two with ridiculous boobs and a cock that looks like it escaped from a hentai lab. It’s like that moment when you’re scrolling through Pixiv on your phone in the bathroom and suddenly all your search history stands in front of you and says: "Pick one." There’s no menu fluff, no lore, no foreplay. You just poke around with number keys and arrows like you’re trying secret cheats, and every wrong press turns out to be another sex pose. Honestly I kinda liked that, it feels a bit like button-mashing in Smash, but instead of a combo you accidentally trigger Peach choking on a monster dick from a POV angle that’s so close it feels like she’s breathing into your face.

The camera is always hungry. POV in this thing doesn’t try to be realistic, it’s more like a porn director glued to the crotch. You hop to Samus and the first thought is "oh, they really didn’t care about canon armor sizes, huh." Her tits are huge, shiny, fake in a very porn-y way, and that’s exactly why it works. Then you click around a bit and suddenly you’re behind her, watching that big cock slam into her ass while her ponytail swings like it’s got its own physics engine, and the only thing going through your head is: "Nintendo would set this on fire." Same with Shantae, they went full curvy idol with her, hips like she’s smuggling pillows, bouncing in a rhythm that doesn’t quite match the thrusts but somehow that off-beat wobble is the hottest part. It’s messy, like an amateur remix on SoundCloud where some guy looped a moan and forgot to line up the tempo, yet that weirdness makes it feel more alive. You know how in Pornhub comments people complain about stupid shit like "the bed squeak killed my vibe"? Here I had the opposite thing: one tiny clipping issue with a cock going through Peach’s thigh and I couldn’t stop watching it, like my brain turned it into some mutant kink. You’re cycling poses, sometimes they repeat, sometimes they’re almost the same angle but with a little extra bounce or a different way the boobs slump, and you get this cheap, trashy variety that’s weirdly addictive. It’s not polished, half of it feels tossed together, some transitions are awkward as fuck, but the whole time you’re basically doing what everyone secretly wants from a crossover anyway: swap between princesses, stare at their ridiculous curves, and keep pressing keys until you land on the exact frame where that oversized cock hits just right and your brain shuts up.

This thing feels like some horny fan with a cheap mic and too much free time decided to punish Dawn in the woods and accidentally hit something really hot in the sound. Visually it’s pretty simple, just that familiar blue-haired trainer getting wrecked after losing, but the audio is where my brain parked. The way her breath changes from that angry, “tch, I lost” kind of huff to those shaky little gasps when he pushes her down is what sold it for me. You hear leaves crunching under her knees, a little fabric rustle when he yanks her skirt up, that faint squeak like his belt buckle or zipper fighting him for a second. It’s not super clean, you can hear a bit of noise, but that’s exactly what makes it feel like a nasty forest sextape and not some sterile studio thing.

The doggystyle sequence is stupidly focused on rhythm. Whoever handled the loops really paid attention to how sex actually sounds when you’re panting and trying not to moan too loud. There’s this great moment where he starts slow and you hear that wet slide plus her trying to hold her voice, just these tiny whiny noises in her throat. Then he starts pounding and the slap sounds actually change, sharper when he hits hard, more muffled when his hips sink in deeper. Her moans go from annoyed and unwilling to that fucked-out, “I hate this but also I don’t” kind of tone that hentai always goes for. Sometimes it even clips a little, the volume peaks for half a second, and weirdly that makes it hotter because it feels like whoever recorded this didn’t care about perfection, they just cranked the gain so we could hear every filthy sound.

There’s also this guy in the background with a camera, and you can hear him just slightly, breathing and shifting, sometimes the soft click of the device like he’s zooming or adjusting. It’s not in your face, but if you’re the kind of pervert who replays the same five seconds like I did, you catch it. I wish they did more with the forest vibe though. There are faint bird sounds early on, then they kind of forget about the environment and it turns into almost a studio audio track. Missed chance. Imagine some distant Pidgey scream right when he shoots his load inside her, that would have been hilarious. Speaking of, the cumshot has that sticky finish sound, like one thick splurt then a few smaller ones, and her voice flips to this breathless whimper, half humiliation, half relief. It’s short, yeah, and it loops in a pretty crude way that made me open another tab to distract myself from the janky restart, but if you’ve got decent headphones and you’re into Dawn getting taken from behind like a broke little loser who paid her battle debt with her ass, there’s enough dirty detail in the soundscape to keep you rewinding the good parts and pretending you’re the bastard holding that camera.