Guy just wants to chill at home with his phone, scroll a bit of Twitter, maybe lose another match in Clash Royale, and then suddenly this hot red-eyed assassin-mom type walks into his life and basically says: “I need a fake boyfriend. I’ll do anything.” The game doesn’t even pretend to be subtle about it. One second you’re some random dude, the next you’re staring at this Spy x Family parody version of Yor who is way too polite, way too shy, and somehow also ready to sleep with you to keep her cover. It’s like the anime if someone removed the brakes, the kid, the husband, and left only horny awkward tension.

The whole thing runs as a sandbox dating sim on your phone, so it kind of feels like you’re texting and hanging out with her instead of being dragged through a long VN script. You tap around the apartment, poke at her routines, pick dumb dialogue options just to see if she blushes or offers to “repay” you again for something tiny, like buying her a coffee. Sometimes you choose a line that looks innocent, and suddenly you’re in a sex scene where she’s on top, trying way too hard to act like a normal girlfriend while riding you raw. Fully animated, by the way, with this slightly janky 3D look that somehow makes it hotter because it feels like a bootleg porn clip your friend sent on Telegram. Her body language looks a bit off in some loops, but then her tits bounce in just the right moment and your brain stops caring.

What I liked is how the “romance” and the porn keep tripping over each other. You can play the nice supportive partner who helps her practice her cover story, teaches her how to act more casual in public, asks about her missions, all that. She gets clingy, genuinely tender, apologizes for using you, kisses you like she actually loves you. And out of nowhere she’ll whisper something like, “I must satisfy my boyfriend, right?” and you’re back in vaginal sex with her moaning like she’s trying not to alert the neighbors. There are little choices where you decide if you push her harder, treat her more like a sex tool, or try to protect her, and the vibe in the scenes shifts. Same bed, different Yor. One path, she begs for your cum because she’s terrified to lose the fake relationship; on another, she’s more confident, still goofy, still stabbing dudes on the side, but she’s the one pulling you by the collar and using your cock to unwind after a mission.

The spy part is barely there, just small dialogue lines and some outfits, but somehow that makes it funnier. She shows up in lingerie that looks like someone tried to design “stealth underwear” in Photoshop at 3% opacity. There’s this one moment where you come home, she’s in an apron cooking, and if you play it right, it goes from domestic slice-of-life to her bending over the counter with cum dripping down her thighs while she insists dinner will not get cold. I got annoyed that you can’t poke at every single background object, like there’s a knife set just begging for some spy roleplay and the game does nothing with it, but I kept tapping it anyway like a monkey. Also, the mobile interface is pretty good until your thumb hits the skip button by accident in the middle of a really good loop and you want to scream, but whatever. You reload, pick a slightly different choice, and suddenly she reacts another way, blushes deeper, or starts calling you by some cheesy petname that somehow works. It’s messy, horny, a bit trashy in the best way, like watching a fan-made porn edit of Yor that suddenly remembers it can let you decide what she does next.

You start as this regular hotel employee, right, with a keyring that rattles too loud and a uniform that looks like something you’d buy on AliExpress at 3 in the morning. The place looks classy on the surface, but the guests are anything except normal tourists. You’re shuffling between rooms, doing the boring stuff like changing sheets and pretending to care about reports on some dusty office PC, and then suddenly you open a door and it’s like you just scrolled too far on Rule34. One room has Yoruichi stretching on the bed in that lazy cat way, earbuds in, phone open on Spotify while some low lo-fi beat plays, and she barely looks at you when she says she needs “help with yoga positions.” Another day it’s Nami sitting cross-legged with her laptop open on Excel, bra tossed over a chair, asking which panties look “more professional” while she keeps leaning too close on purpose. The game doesn’t even pretend you’re innocent. It just waits for that first moment you pause too long on a choice and then it grabs you by the dick, slowly.

The whole thing moves like a porn visual novel that doesn’t care about being smart, and that’s kind of hot. Scenes are short enough that you never get bored, but long enough that you feel that build-up when Esdeath closes the curtains with this lazy flick of her fingers and tells you the massage you suggested better come with “full service.” There’s animation in the right moments: little loops of hips grinding, wet folds opening around your cock, tits bouncing in just the perfect rhythm that makes you forget to blink. One time with Fubuki, you’re just trying to pick up some scattered reports from the floor and the next thing she’s pinning you to the bed with her ass pressing against your crotch, fake-scolding you for “being clumsy” while you can see she’s already wet. And the creampie finishes are not shy at all, they stay on screen, dripping slow, like the game is proud of the mess you made. Sometimes the pace feels weird, like a guest goes from “hello, staff” to “fill me up” in three lines, but because of who they are you don’t really care. I kept thinking I’d just fap once and close Chrome, and then I was clicking “next” again, wondering which room key would open on another anime girl needing “extra service.” Nobody told me cleaning rooms would turn into choosing who gets fucked raw on fresh white sheets, but here we are.

This thing hits you in the face right away. You open it and the game just starts calling you a pathetic virgin like it knows what tabs you had open before. Male protagonist, first year uni in late 90s Wales, stuck in that ugly campus mix of shitty carpet, nicotine stains, and horny brain. Everyone thinks you will die alone, and frankly the game agrees. Then the goth girl walks in like a walking middle finger to your self-esteem. Tall, boots, chains, black lipstick that looks like it tastes of smoke and cheap vodka. She is not your cute “secretly soft” goth. She is full female domination mode. She enjoys humiliating you, and the game really lets her. Public teasing in hallways, denial until you literally beg, exhibitionism moments where she pushes you close to being seen, and then pulls away only to grind on someone actually confident while you watch from the corner. If you hate netorare, this is a hate crime. If you like it, you will have your hand on your phone more than on your textbook.

What caught me off guard is how the corruption is not only sexual but social. The more you let her step on you, the more other people on campus join the act, and the POV stuff gets nasty. You see her big ass riding someone else through a cracked door while you are forced to hold her bag like an idiot. Or she sends you pics of her sucking off a dude from the football team, with your unread essays visible on your desk in the background. There is voyeurism everywhere, even when you are not the viewer. Sometimes you are the thing being watched: being paraded around as the loser virgin toy in a group chat that you are not even allowed to post in. The game even throws a milf teacher at you, but in that mean way, like, you think “finally, someone kind” and suddenly you are watching her get pounded by a classmate while she grades your paper with a red pen and one hand on his abs. The humor is cruel and honestly kind of funny, like that scene where your phone autocorrects “please” to “pee” while you are begging her to let you cum, and she just runs with it in a way I am still slightly disturbed by. There is a whole mobile phone layer built into the game, with apps that feel suspiciously like WhatsApp and Instagram where you keep scrolling old chats trying to find where exactly your dignity died, then getting distracted by AI generated CG of her in a “maybe pregnant, maybe not” ending that hits way harder than it should. I still cannot forgive the tiny thing where notification sounds are slightly off from real apps and my brain kept twitching every single time, but yeah, I kept playing anyway.

So this game basically throws you onto some magical anime girl island after you get horny and follow some chick with a fat ass - yeah that's literally the setup and honestly? It works. Don't Toy With Me is one of those sandbox harem deals where you're surrounded by every waifu you've ever jerked off to, from Hinata's massive tits to Zero Two's perfect curves. The whole thing feels like someone's wet dream made manifest, which I guess it literally is according to the dev.

The variety is insane though - you got your shy Hinata types, your bratty Nagatoro energy, thicc One Piece girls like Robin and Nami, plus a bunch of others I recognized but can't remember the names of right now. Each girl has their own little personality quirks and the interactions feel pretty natural for what they are. Like when you're chatting with Nagatoro she's actually being a teasing bitch instead of just generic anime girl #47. The sex scenes are animated which is nice, lots of titfucks and creampies and the usual stuff you'd expect. Some of the girls look a bit young but that's anime for you I guess? The ahegao faces during climax scenes are chef's kiss though.

What bugs me is the school setting feels kinda pointless - like why am I attending classes when I could be railing Yoruichi instead? But then again maybe that's the point, building up tension before you get to the good stuff. The mobile version runs smooth on my phone which is surprising since most of these games lag like hell. There's this whole mystery about how you ended up there but honestly who gives a shit when Erza Scarlett wants to fuck your brains out. The sandbox element means you can basically choose your own adventure with whoever catches your eye that day. Sometimes I wish there was more story but then Esdeath shows up and suddenly I don't care about plot anymore.