House of Morecock: Ocean Cruise feels like someone took every horny idea about sailors and put it into a single, filthy cartoon, then gave it just enough structure to pretend it has a plot. You’re on this ship full of thick, stupidly hot guys in tight uniforms that clearly fail at their job, because every scene is just one excuse after another for them to end up naked or half naked, grinding against each other. It starts almost casual, like, “oh, just a normal cruise,” and two minutes later you’re watching a beefy officer pin some muscleboy to a railing while the voice acting is moaning in your ear harder than your porn tabs on Chrome. The voicing is surprisingly good, by the way. Not Hollywood good, but porn good, which is better for this kind of thing. Characters actually sound like dudes about to lose control, not like some bored guy reading lines on a Blue Yeti. Sometimes the timing is weird, like the moan kicks in half a second before the thrust animation, which made me laugh, then I replayed the scene anyway because I’m weak.

The whole thing has this stupid, fun, campy vibe. It pretends to be serious for one second, like “we’re on a dangerous mission on the ocean,” and then you click once and suddenly uniforms are open, dicks are out, and you’re watching a sweaty, muscular stack of guys rutting like they forgot anyone else exists on that ship. I like how the camera sometimes stays too long on some detail that absolutely doesn’t need that much attention, like one dude’s flexing forearm while he’s pounding the other guy. As someone who spends way too many hours inside Unreal, my brain is going “man, they really focused on this loop,” and at the same time my other brain is like “shut up and zoom in more.” Animations are not perfect, hips clip a bit, bodies slide a tiny bit over each other, but then you get that one moment where a huge sailor slams the smaller but still ripped guy into the cabin door, the voice cracks, and it suddenly hits really hard. It feels messy and raw and kind of honest in a horny, unserious way. I wish they let you walk freely around the deck or something, but they don’t and I will complain about that forever.

What sells it for me is that stupid humor they sneak in. A serious line, then an over-the-top groan, or some ridiculous situation like two officers “disciplining” a recruit in a completely empty hallway on a crowded cruise ship, and nobody questions anything. At one point I accidentally clicked too fast and skipped a line, and I actually went back just to hear how the guy would deliver that cheesy dirty talk. The game keeps acting like it’s a “series opener” with this big world, but it really just wants to show brawny guys rearranging each other’s insides anywhere on that boat: behind lifeboats, in cramped cabins, in places where in real life someone from housekeeping would walk in with a bucket. There’s this one uniform that keeps showing up, white pants, tight shirt, chest basically spilling out, and every time I saw it I knew, ok, this scene will not stay safe for work even 10 seconds. It’s horny, loud, kind of dumb in the best way, like a porn comic that learned how to move and talk, and also somehow forgot what subtlety even means.

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