Sarada Uchiha XXX Simulator looks like something somebody hacked together during a horny weekend and forgot to clean up, and that is exactly why it kinda works. You open it, there is no big intro, no lore dump, nothing. Just Sarada right in your face, already giving you that half annoyed, half curious look that she always has in fanart. Menu is simple, almost ugly in a charming way. Few buttons around her, random icons, some of them look like they were cut from an old Flash game on Newgrounds. First thing I did was start clicking like an idiot, changed her glasses off, then back on, then tried different clothes. There is this cheap thrill when you realize you can strip the “good girl” Uchiha kid down to nothing and nobody in Konoha can stop you. Outfit system is not huge, but good enough to play dress up perv. School uniform vibe, little tweaks to colors, some stockings that honestly look a bit cursed if you stare too long. I messed with her hairband and spent too long deciding if she looks hotter with or without it, which is stupid because you know damn well you will remove everything anyway.

Sex part is very straightforward, like old browser hentai toys. Click, drag, small minigame bits that are there mostly so it doesn’t feel like static slideshow. There is this rhythm mechanic that feels like somebody copied it from those old osu clones, but drunk. You try to hit the “sweet spot” and Sarada changes expressions. When you go too fast she gets that shocked wide eyes, when you keep a steady pace she starts melting, tongue out, cheeks red like she just lost a sparring match and her chakra too. No story, no excuses, just you and her in an empty void, which somehow makes it feel more dirty, like a debug room that was never meant for public. The customization of her face is actually the best part. You can turn her into smug brat, or shy virgin, or complete cockdrunk slut who looks like she forgot who Hokage is. I spent more time playing with eyebrows angles than actually fucking her, which is kinda embarrassing. The moans are hit or miss, some clips loop weird, sometimes they sync by accident and you get this one moment where everything lines up and it feels like you are the director of the most illegal Boruto spin off ever. And then some janky animation breaks it again, her boob clipping a bit through her arm, and you remember it is just another horny parody running in your browser while Discord pings in the background and Spotify playlist is still on that one track that does not match the scene at all.

This thing feels like somebody took old Tomb Raider fantasies from a horny teenager’s brain, smashed them into a cheap visual novel, then just went “yeah, good enough” and hit upload. And somehow it works. You’re basically babysitting a very obviously-not-Lara explorer girl who has more tit than common sense, stumbling through some “ruins” that are really just excuses for her to end up half naked and fingering herself behind stone pillars. Plot is like: go here, poke this, puzzle maybe, oops, now she’s rubbing her swollen nipples because some trap sprayed her with weird liquid. Classic “ancient curse equals instant porn logic”.

The thing that hooked me is how the game keeps pretending it cares about adventure. You get dialogue about lost relics and secret tombs, but every choice is basically: do you make her behave like a semi-professional archaeologist, or do you send her straight into horny disaster. And yes, you always pick horny disaster, don’t lie. One second she’s talking about inscriptions, very serious, next second she’s sitting on a rock with her tits out, stroking herself hard because the “mystical energy” is making her extra sensitive. It’s stupid as hell, but in that cozy porn way where your brain shuts up and your dick just nods. There’s these CG scenes where her boobs are just… huge. Gravity stopped existing. She’s squeezed into that tight top that looks ready to explode, and when she starts masturbating you can almost feel how uncomfortable that outfit must be, riding up, skin sweaty, hairs stuck to her neck. I got stuck once clicking the same stupid stone relief three times because I thought it was a puzzle, but apparently the real solution was just “have her jerk herself off in front of it so the door opens.” Yeah, okay, sure, video game logic.

I keep telling myself I’m here for “nostalgia”, because it’s a parody and all, but then I catch how much time I spend zooming my eyes on the way her breasts press together when she leans over a relic, acting like she doesn’t notice her nipples punching holes in that top. The masturbation scenes feel almost too long, in a good way, like the dev was horny and refused to cut a single frame. She moans, slows down, speeds up, loses it completely, and I’m on the metro trying not to shift in my seat like a creep. Some of the writing is low-key terrible, like those weird lines where she’s trying to sound badass and just comes off like someone badly cosplaying in a hotel room, but then she starts touching herself again and I forget I was laughing. Sometimes the attempt at “adventure” gets in the way, like yeah man I get it, there is some lost idol, can we get back to her rubbing her pussy on a cold stone altar already. Still, there’s this one scene where she’s alone in the dark chamber, breathing heavy, fingers between her thighs, whispering to herself that no one will ever know what she’s doing down here. That shit hits different on a crowded train.

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