Belle's tits are out before the title card even finishes, which is the kind of directness I respect. This isn't Disney, obviously. It's a forest, she's got a basket, and she's hunting mushrooms with the same energy as someone who knows exactly what kind of story they're in. The beast design is a choice. A big, hulking thing with a cock that looks like it was sketched during a fever dream, all veins and improbable proportions. The art has this rough, almost sketchy quality, like someone was too horny to bother cleaning up the lines. And honestly? It works for the vibe.

The oral scene is the main event. She gets on her knees, that massive thing bobs in front of her face, and the animation loop is simple but effective. A lot of back and forth, her eyes watering, the usual. The cumshot is a mess, a thick splatter that the artist clearly spent the most time on. It lands everywhere, and the game just lets the image sit there, sticky and final. No fade to black, no coy angle. Just the aftermath.

I wish there was a button to speed up the loop. Sometimes you just want to get to the good part, you know? The mushroom picking bit at the start is a non-interactive slide, just a flimsy excuse for her to be in the woods. Could've been anything. A broken car, a lost dog, a magical curse. Doesn't matter. The beast doesn't have much personality beyond his anatomy, which is a shame because the original story is right there, full of weird tension. This version just skips straight to the defilement. Which, fine. That's the menu, that's what you're ordering. Just don't expect any talking furniture or a ballroom dance. It's a quick, dirty parody that knows its one job and does it with a messy, unpolished gusto.

Captain Kurt getting a high pressure enema while a gay Spock watches from the corner, that's the level we're operating at here. This Star Trek parody flash thing, I don't even know what to call it, a fever dream maybe. The art is deliberately shit, like someone drew it with their non-dominant hand while drunk, and honestly that makes the whole thing funnier. Six of Nine, our blonde protagonist with the obvious name, walks around this ship and every single encounter is some new form of unhinged depravity.

The Kingon blowjob scene caught me off guard because the alien's dick is just... a weirdly textured tube. And then there's the "space pussy box" which I won't even try to explain. The Whora character, a black woman who's clearly a play on Troi, has this lesbian scene with Six of Nine that's actually the most competently animated part of the whole mess. Which isn't saying much. The homo deck with Spook, yes they named him Spook, involves a rear rammer machine and the sound effects are just someone making "whirr" noises into a microphone I swear to god.

The dialogue choices are meaningless, every path leads to something absurd, and the whole thing feels like it was coded in a weekend by someone who really hates Rick Berman specifically. There's a doctor scene that's surprisingly vanilla compared to everything else, just regular sex, which almost feels out of place next to the enema fetish content. The game is aggressively not for homophobes, it wears that on its sleeve, and honestly the Spook stuff is so over the top it circles back to being hilarious. I wish the Kingon had more scenes, the one you get is too short and then it's back to whatever the hell else is happening. The whole thing crashes sometimes if you click too fast, but that feels intentional somehow, like the game itself is embarrassed.

God, my back hurts. The laundry's been beeping for twenty minutes and I'm hiding in the bathroom with my phone. Pussymon. Yeah, that Pussymon. The one that makes you wonder if Nintendo would sue or just have a collective stroke.

The new sexcards actually move now. Not like, Pixar animation, more like a flipbook drawn by a horny teenager who just discovered anatomy. But it works. There's this one with the fire-type Pussymon, the redhead with the ridiculous proportions, and the way her hips... look, I had to put my phone face-down for a second. The "care" system is still there, you know, clicking and rubbing and whatever, but now battling gives you three level points instead of one. Three. So you can actually grind these creatures into sexual maturity through violence, which feels like a statement about something. Not sure what. My kid's tablet game about magical ponies doesn't have this feature, I checked.

Found a bug where a card looped infinitely. Just kept thrusting. Honestly, I didn't report it. Some bugs are features.

The easter egg this month, I won't spoil it, but it involves a tentacle and a surprised expression that made me laugh out loud in a very inappropriate way. My spouse knocked on the door asking if I was okay. I said I was dealing with "digestive issues." The cheats from the Patreon, which I absolutely did not subscribe to because that would show up on our joint bank statement, apparently unlock some truly degenerate stuff. I wouldn't know. A friend told me. The developer says next update has more Pussymons. More. Like I need more reasons to develop carpal tunnel.

The parody is so on-the-nose it wraps back around to being clever. The "Pussymon Professor" looks like he hasn't slept since 1998 and his lab coat is definitely not hiding anything. I wish the battle system had more strategy than just tapping, but honestly, I'm not here for the gameplay. I'm here because sometimes a parent needs to see something utterly ridiculous and obscene to feel alive again. Just clear your browser history. Seriously. Incognito mode exists for a reason.

Rikku from Final Fantasy X, right? Not the one from X-2 with the different hair, the original Al Bhed girl with the green swirl eyes and those ridiculous belts. This thing, whatever it is, not really a game is it, more like a slideshow with a button that goes shlick when you press S. The S button. Sometimes it works, sometimes my browser just sits there like I asked it to do calculus. Chrome being Chrome.

The 3d model they used, it's that specific kind of jank where the proportions are almost right but something's off around the hips. Like the artist spent three weeks perfecting the titjob physics and then remembered humans have legs too. The blonde hair clips through her shoulders during the blowjob sequence, which, I don't know, maybe that's someone's thing. The cumshot lands on her face and just sort of sits there, no drip, no nothing. Static. Like someone photoshopped yogurt onto a screenshot and called it a day. But the lighting on the skin, when she's positioned just right, there's this moment where the render catches the curve of her, you know, and it's actually. Never mind.

The navigation arrows are in the bottom left corner. Bottom left. Who decided that? Every other hentai slideshow puts them center or right, muscle memory is a real thing and I kept clicking empty space like an idiot. The parody aspect is thin, it's Rikku's outfit and goggles but she could be any blonde with braids, the personality is just gone, replaced with this vacant expression that's supposed to be arousal but reads more like she's trying to remember if she left the stove on. Still clicked through the whole thing though. Twice. The titjob part has this one frame where the angle is actually pretty good, shame about the rest.

The animation loop is basically a single pov shot, Samus on her knees, those huge tits wrapped around a cock that’s supposed to be yours. It’s not a game game, more like a fidget toy for your dick. You pick an outfit, the zero suit or the classic blue, or just go fully nude, and then you control the cumshot. That’s it. That’s the whole thing. The customization for the money shot is weirdly granular, you can drag a slider to make the ropes comically long, like physics defying anime goo, and pick where it lands. I spent an embarrassing amount of time just seeing if I could paint her entire visor white. You can.

The model for Samus is... fine. It’s unpolished in that specific Source Filmmaker way, where the skin looks a bit like shiny plastic and the hair doesn’t move right. Her expression is locked in this permanent, vacant stare that doesn’t change, which is a little off putting if you look at it too long. But the animation of the boobjob itself is smooth, a steady rhythmic motion that loops cleanly. The sound is just a wet, repetitive squelch. No voice acting, no moans, just that sound on a loop. It gets hypnotic after a minute, or maybe that’s just the blood leaving your brain.

I wish there was a button to change the pace, or maybe a different angle. Just one. Staring at the exact same frame for the whole session feels like a missed opportunity, especially for a character who’s all about scanning visors and morph balls. Where’s the creativity? You’re telling me a Chozo powered suit and the best we can do is a static camera? But I guess that’s not the point. The point is the slider that lets you absolutely drench her. It’s a one handed experience, perfect for a quick alt tab session when you’re supposed to be doing something else. Just don’t expect a deep exploration of the Metroid lore.

Right, so the Charizard sprite is just standing there with this dopey grin and a cock that looks like someone stretched a hot dog in MS Paint. That's the whole mood. Eva Hadley's model is this weirdly smooth thing, like a doll left too close to a radiator, and her expression never changes. Not once. Even when the big orange lizard is rearranging her insides, she's got the same blank stare you'd give a microwave at 3 PM. It's so aggressively unpolished that it loops back around to being fascinating, like watching a bootleg toy commercial where all the plastic is melting.

The whole thing runs on these big, chunky action buttons. Click "Fuck Pussy", click "Fuck Ass", click "Cum on Back". That's it. That's the entire depth of the gameplay. No build up, no dialogue, just a Charizard with a permanent erection and a woman who seems to be mentally compiling a grocery list. The sound design is what gets me, though. There's this one wet slapping noise that's clearly just a raw audio file of someone hitting a ham with a wooden spoon, and it plays on a loop regardless of which hole is currently in use. I spent an embarrassing amount of time just clicking back and forth to see if the sound would ever sync up. It doesn't. It never will.

The cumshot finale is the real masterpiece of anti-climax. You click the button and a few flat, white polygons appear on her back, looking less like a money shot and more like someone dropped a dollop of mashed potato on the texture file. And then it just... sits there. The Charizard keeps grinning. Eva keeps staring into the void. There's no victory fanfare, no fade to black. Just the eternal, looping ham-slap and the quiet question of what you're doing with your life. It's a parody of a parody, a Pokemon hentai scene stripped of any pretense of being sexy, and I can't stop thinking about that stupid, unblinking lizard face.

The whole thing feels like someone took a DOA mod and just ran with it, you know? Kasumi gets wrecked by some random dude and the fight loss screen turns into a full on floor fuck. The animation is janky as hell, like a flipbook made by a horny teenager who just discovered Blender. But honestly, that's part of the charm. It's not trying to be polished. The sound design is basically wet slaps and a looping moan that cuts off weirdly, which I found myself laughing at more than anything.

The breast physics are absolutely unhinged. We're talking beach ball territory, the kind of size where the game introduces a milk mechanic because of course it does. You press them and white spurts out. There's a whole titfuck scene where your cock literally goes between her nipples, which is a sentence I never thought I'd type. The paizuri is the main event here, and the cumshot lands with all the grace of a water balloon popping. It's messy and absurd. I wish there was a bit more variety in the oral stuff, it's pretty basic compared to the breast expansion focus, but what's there gets the job done.

The *** tag is front and center, it's not a gentle defeat. She's pinned on the floor, doggystyle, and the whole thing has this grimy hentai parody energy. The big ass is there but the camera really only has eyes for the chest. I kept clicking around hoping for some hidden angle or a second position, but no, it's a straight shot. The parody aspect is thin, just the character model and a vague "lost a fight" setup. For a quick fap to something that looks like a fever dream, it works. The milk thing is weirdly hypnotic.

I keep clicking the tall grass like a degenerate. There's a whole convention center to explore, a maid cafe with new cosplayers, some kind of date system they patched in, but no. I'm rubbing my cursor on the same pixel bush for twenty minutes because the patch notes said it forces shiny encounters. My brain knows this is stupid. My hand won't stop. The Jolteon cosplayer in the cafe is probably wondering where I went. I was supposed to save her or something. Instead I'm here, edging the RNG.

The combat is basically Pokemon if Pokemon were horny and the "trainers" were women in increasingly damaged costumes. You don't catch them with balls. You tear their clothes off. That's the mechanic. Hit them hard enough and the fabric gives way, which feels like a metaphor I should unpack with my therapist but honestly I'm too busy grinding for the Gardevoir girl. She's in the maid cafe too. Both of them are savable, the compendium says. The compendium is actually useful now, it replaced the sticker book and shows you all the tear states. You can just look at the art without fighting. But where's the accomplishment in that.

The writing has this weird self-aware humor that almost makes me forget I'm playing what is essentially a strip battle simulator. Carmen stopped drinking poison to show the jabronies how it's done. Mara was stealing 100% of MP and promised to use it for "efficiency and entertainment value." Sure, Mara. Sure. The Ivy date questline actually has an ending now, which is good because loading an old save just to get blueballed by a missing reward image was a special kind of frustration. The animated reward is there. It's fine. It's more than fine. I should probably go trigger it instead of hunting shinies in the tall grass but the clicking, the rubbing, the tiny dopamine hit when the screen flashes. This is why I can't have nice things.

Right so this one is a flash game, you know the kind, runs in a browser and probably still uses that old newgrounds player or whatever. And it's a Mario parody. Not the first one in this "Mario is Missing" series apparently, they keep making these. This version has more buttons than sense, hit the thing in the bottom left and you get a whole keyboard map. Why do I need shift and control keys for a porn game. That's the first thing that bugs me, you spend more time figuring out the controls than actually... you know. The action is a sidescroller but the collision is all janky, sometimes you jump on a goomba and it just doesn't register and then you're dead. But dying isn't the point is it.

The whole thing is Princess Peach getting railed by various koopas and goombas and whatever else pops out of a pipe. The sprites are ripped straight from the original NES game but then they just drew dicks on them. I mean literally, the koopa has a massive green thing, it's so crudely drawn it loops back around to being funny. There's this one scene where she's bent over a question block and the animation is just three frames on repeat. But then sometimes the humor lands, like when you get a power up and instead of a mushroom it's... something else. The sounds are all the original 8-bit bloops and bleeps but then they spliced in these awful wet slapping noises that don't match at all. It's jarring.

I keep getting stuck on world 1-2 because the secret exit to the actual lewd content is hidden behind some pixel perfect jump and I just... why. The whole thing is a mess. But I also played it for like forty minutes straight. The way the enemies just keep coming and Peach's sprite gets more disheveled, her dress ripping, it's got this weird grindhouse energy. Don't expect to finish the game, just mash buttons and see what happens. The warp zones are a lie.