The princess finally breaks on day seventeen. Not from the whipping or the slave collar, but from the Ring of Erotic Power humming on your finger like a horny mosquito. Her eyes go glassy and she starts begging to polish your dark lord scepter, which is a metaphor I just invented for your cock. The training minigame is basically clicking the same three buttons until a bar fills up, and somewhere around the 40th click I started wondering if Sauron had to deal with this much UI lag. Probably not, he had actual orcs.

The whole thing runs in browser, autosaves when it feels like it, and sometimes the buttons just stop working. Right click, global settings, storage tab, allow sites to save information. That fixed it for me on Chrome but on Firefox the summoning room just showed a black screen with a thunder clap sound effect looping endlessly. Very atmospheric, not very playable. You start in Vorgor which is your dark tower, and you need magical power to attack Erolandia, and the best source of magical power is apparently fucking. The Ring lets you enslave women and turn them into nymphomaniacs, which sounds more efficient than whatever Gandalf was doing. First girl is some random capture, second is an elf named Silaira who you summon a Warg with. The Warg scene is there. It exists. I clicked through it.

The CHEAT button in the top right skips the first girl's training entirely, which I discovered after spending twenty minutes on her. You get the Elfstone from the princess after completing her training, and then there's a battle for the capital that feels tacked on like the dev ran out of time or interest. The hunger mechanic is weird, slaves ask for food when hunger drops below 30, and I kept forgetting to feed them because I was busy trying to figure out why the stat increase notification sound effect was so loud compared to everything else. The spelling mistakes are charming in a "this was clearly written by someone whose first language isn't English" way, except the game's description is perfectly coherent so maybe they just didn't care. The summoning scenes have thunder claps now, update 1.2.1 from December 2016, which is almost a decade ago. The Patreon link still works probably.

The costume design for Azuka is honestly a mess. Her top looks like it was traced from a bootleg Yu-Gi-Oh card and then someone just stretched the boobs bigger in MS Paint. But the doggystyle scene? The way her skirt bunches up and the cumshot lands across her lower back, that part got me. I spent way too long on the quest where you have to pick dialogue options to make her friends trust you. It's a visual novel so the choices are fake anyway, but I kept reloading to see if being rude changes the creampie ending. It doesn't.

The dating sim stuff is weirdly slow for a hentai game. You talk to Asuka about her brother or whatever, and then suddenly she's riding you reverse cowgirl. The pacing is broken. But the pussy closeups are actually detailed, like they spent all the budget on the wetness shine and forgot the rest of the background. There's a Dragon Quest reference somewhere, I think a slime appears in one of the dialogue boxes, but then the game forgets it exists. Classic.

I wish there was more of Alexis Rhodes. She shows up for one scene, you can finger her, and then she's gone. The game calls her a "friend" but she's just there to fill the threesome quota. The girl on top animation loops too fast, like she's vibrating instead of bouncing. Still, for a browser game with no download, it runs smooth on my phone. The creampie endings are satisfying enough, but don't expect a plot. It's just horny Yu-Gi-Oh fanservice with big tits and zero respect for the source material. Which is fine. I guess.

That Pikachu girl. The one in the ripped fishnets and a tail that plugs into somewhere I'm still not sure about. She's the first real "catch" and honestly, the pixel art on her jolting animation when you use the capture charm is chef's kiss. A proper chiptune fan would appreciate how the composer layered a corrupted version of the Pokemon center jingle over a slow, dirty beat during that scene. The audio is a mess of Game Boy screeches and muffled moans, and it works.

The whole game is a scavenger hunt through a convention center full of furries and cosplayers. You wander hallways that look like they were drawn in MS Paint by someone who really, really cared about the shape of a Vaporeon costume. The humor is stupid. Glitchy text boxes, NPCs saying "notice me senpai" without a hint of irony. I spent ten minutes just clicking on a dead-eyed vendor selling bootleg merch because the dialogue loop was so broken it circled back to being funny. The actual catching mechanic is a basic rock-paper-scissors rip off, but losing sometimes triggers a scene anyway, which feels like a bug they just left in. And honestly, a happy accident.

The convention map is a nightmare to navigate. No clear exits. I got stuck behind a Snorlax beanbag chair for a solid minute.

There's a scene with a Lucario cosplayer in a backroom that goes full hentai logic, physics be damned. The sprite work gets surprisingly detailed for something that looks like a lost Newgrounds flash game. But the sound mixing is all over the place. One moment it's a whisper, the next the volume spikes like a jumpscare. It's the kind of unpolished that makes you check if your browser tab crashed, but then the next lewd loop starts and you forget to care. The whole thing runs on browser, by the way, so no fussing with files. Just click and regret nothing. The furry tag is strong with this one, so if that's your bag, the Eeveelution wing of the con is basically a buffet.

The whole thing feels like someone's messy sketchbook that they just decided to share, and honestly that's why it works. Pussymon. Yeah, the name is what it is. A Pokemon parody where you wander around a fantasy map and collect... creatures. Nude ones. The art is rough, like really rough, lines that don't quite meet and colors that sometimes bleed outside the edges, but there's this earnest horny energy behind every design that makes you forgive it. Or maybe not forgive, just accept. The dragon themed update added eight new ones and I spent way too long just looking at the evolution screen, that little moment where a creature shifts into something more powerful and more naked. It's simple but it hits.

The battle system got reworked this month. Something original, the dev says, and I can see what they mean even if it's still clunky as hell. Instead of just picking moves you're managing these sexcard things, and the flow of combat feels more like a weird puzzle than a traditional RPG fight. Sometimes it drags. Sometimes I wished I could just skip the whole thing and get back to exploring. But then a new Pussymon appears and suddenly I'm clicking through every menu again, feeding them candy to level up, watching stats go up. The candy system is just a grind but it's my grind, you know?

What kind of sicko enjoys this? Someone who played those bootleg Pokemon ROM hacks back in the day and thought "what if the monsters were hot." Someone who doesn't mind that the game is split into episodes now so you don't have to replay the prologue every update. That's actually smart. The prologue sits there finished and each new chunk just adds on. I wonder what theme comes next, ghosts maybe, or insects. The patreon probably has cheats. I keep thinking about that one dragon type with the tail, the way it curled in the preview image. The game is unpolished and weird and I already want the next episode.

Ariel’s tits have that weird shiny plastic look, like someone wrapped a cheap doll in cling film. Spent way too long staring at that, honestly. The whole thing runs in browser, no fuss, and I’m clicking through dialogue that reads like a bad fan translation of a fan translation. Belle’s mouth moves but the words hit my brain like warm static. Something about a cursed castle, a missing prince, and a lot of conveniently placed beds.

The quest part is basically walking left or right until a princess pops up with a problem that’s always solved by her suddenly needing a thick load somewhere. Jasmine’s scene came out of nowhere. One minute I’m nodding along to some nonsense about a magic lamp, the next her leggings are gone and the camera’s doing a slow pan that would make a daytime soap director blush. The CG hentai style is... a choice. Everything’s a bit too smooth, like the uncanny valley got a Brazzers subscription. Cinderella’s glass slipper isn’t the only thing shattering, if you catch my drift. The sound design is just royalty free moaning looped until it burrows into your skull.

There’s a mini game where you click on sparkles to find a key. Why? Don’t know. The sparkles were laggy on my phone. The whole thing crashed when Snow White tried to, uh, wake up the prince. Had to refresh and lost my progress. Which was just clicking through text, but still. It’s the principle. The parody is so on the nose it’s practically a rhinoplasty. You’re not here for the plot, you’re here to see Pocahontas talk dirty with the cadence of a GPS voice. And in that one specific, hyper focused goal, it delivers like a broken vending machine that only drops the snack you secretly wanted. The adventure is just a horny conveyor belt of familiar faces getting railed in castles. My boss walked by and I tabbed out so fast I think I pulled a muscle. Worth it? My search history says yes, my dignity is filing a complaint.

Pumpkin tits. That's what I'm calling them now. The witch with the orange hair, the one who looks like she wandered off a budget OnlyFans set, has these magnificent fake breasts painted like little jack o'lanterns. You find her missing broom in a pile of nonsense, click it back into her inventory, and suddenly her top is optional. The logic is flawless, really. What even is narrative causality when a striptease is the reward for basic object permanence.

The whole thing runs on this weird real model thing, photographs of actual women poorly cut out and pasted onto digital backgrounds. It creates an uncanny valley that somehow makes the whole thing hornier. Like flipping through a dirty magazine where someone spilled coffee on the pages and the models are doing community theater Halloween. The witch with the purple wig, the one doing a terrible Morticia Addams, keeps losing her hat. Every time you return it, another piece of clothing vanishes. I started deliberately failing the hidden object scenes just to see if the game would punish me. It doesn't. It just waits, patient as a voyeur, for you to click the right pixel.

There's this moment with the third witch, the blonde doing a cat costume that's really just ears and a tail plug probably, where the game asks you to find three black candles. Three. But the scene is so dark, so poorly lit by whoever photographed this in what I assume was a basement apartment, that you're basically clicking every shadow hoping for a hitbox. Frustration and arousal shouldn't mix this way. The strip sequences themselves are just a few frames, jerky animations that loop once and then freeze on the model looking vaguely uncomfortable. You can't even replay them without resetting the whole quest. A crime, honestly.

I wish the cat witch had actual dialogue. She just meows. Once. And then the game moves on. What's the point of a quest tag if nobody asks for anything out loud. The whole thing feels like a prototype for something that never got finished, abandoned mid-thrust, and that incompleteness is weirdly its whole appeal. A Halloween party where nobody invited you but you showed up anyway and now you're watching a striptease through a foggy window.

Another medieval romp, another castle full of horny peasants. This one drops you in 1360 England as Gregory, some royal ostler. An ostler. Not a knight, not a lord, a guy who shovels horse shit. And he's somehow engaged to Geraldine, a woman so aggressively fuckable that every man with a pulse within the kingdom is scheming to plow her. The premise is stupid. I respect that.

The 3d is what it is. Janky, unpolished, characters moving like they've got a stick up their ass. But Geraldine's model? They knew what they were doing. The way her tits practically defy medieval physics under that cheap linen dress. You'll spend most of the quest just trying to keep other dudes' hands off her, which involves the kind of dialogue choices that make you feel like you need a shower. There's this one guard near the stables, smug bastard, and the conversation tree basically dares you to let him have a go. I clicked it. Obviously. The animation that followed was... enthusiastic. Let's just say the hay bales got a workout.

The MONK character shows up later, some pervy friar who's supposed to be celibate but spends more time peeping than praying. The writing around him is actually funny, in a "I can't believe they went there" way. The quest structure is basically a series of increasingly ridiculous scenarios where Geraldine ends up bent over something. A barrel, a banquet table, the royal throne at one point. I wish there was more actual medieval atmosphere instead of just horny setpieces, but that's never happening.

The sound design is mostly grunts and that one stock lute track looping until you want to commit regicide. Still, for what it is, a deliberately trashy romp through Ye Olde Englande where everyone's trying to cuck you, it delivers. Dare to play it alone, or invite company?

I remember when I first found Pussymon, like episode 12 or something, and the sprites were all janky and half the quests bugged out if you talked to the wrong NPC first. Now we're at episode 40 and I'm still here, which says something I guess. The creator admits this one's a bit rushed cause they were also cooking the Halloween special for Patreon, and yeah you can feel it. Some areas feel empty, like they forgot to put the grass animations in one zone and I walked through a void for like ten seconds. But then you find that new side quest, the easter egg one, and suddenly you're chasing clues across three maps and it clicks again.

The six new Pussymon this time, one of them is this weird slime thing that splits into two during the catch animation and I won't spoil what happens after but let's just say the 19 new animations aren't all battle intros. The furry tag is strong here, always has been, and the new additions lean into that hard. There's this cat-like one with fur patterns that shift colors during the, uh, bonding scenes. The game doesn't explain half its mechanics, you just figure out that feeding certain items changes their forms or unlocks hidden dialogue trees. I wasted twenty minutes trying to trigger a scene that apparently only works if you have a specific party composition from three episodes ago. Nobody tells you this stuff.

The story's finally moving somewhere after what felt like forever of just collecting and grinding. That ending, the way it sets up the main quest for episode 41, actually got me interested in the plot beyond just the obvious appeal. Over 150 lines of text and some actual revelations about the world, which I didn't expect from a game where most dialogue used to be variations of "let's train together." The cheat manager in the special edition, I won't lie, I used it to skip some of the more tedious catch rates. Some purists would call that cheating but when a Pussymon has a 2% appearance rate in one specific bush, I value my sanity. The legendary bonus scene though, that one's worth the Patreon sub if you're into the more elaborate animations. Just wish the inventory system wasn't still a mess after forty episodes but whatever, I've learned to live with it.

Clicks feel like they're stuck in honey. That's the first thing. Not the model, not the labyrinth, not the promise of a striptease. Just my mouse pointer dragging its ass across the screen while I'm trying to merge numbered balls. The logic puzzle is one of those 2048 knockoffs, you know the type. Match twos, get a four, match fours, get an eight. All to unlock video clips. My office keyboard is sticky from some spilled coffee and honestly that texture matches the whole experience. You don't play this for the puzzle. Nobody ever played one of these for the puzzle.

The real model they used, she's doing her thing in a maze like setup on the side of the screen. Each merge pushes a little progress bar. Then the wall opens or a light flicks on and she loses a piece. A stocking here, a glove there. I missed a merge because I was staring at her shoulder, then got pissed because the ball spawned wrong. The logic part is braindead but one wrong move and you're stuck with a grid full of odd numbers that won't pair. Happened to me three times. The fourth time I just let a bunch of threes pile up in the corner like dirty laundry.

Here's the thing though. The striptease is not even a tease. It's too mechanical. Like a checklist. Top gone, check. Skirt next, check. The erotic tag is doing some heavy lifting because what you're actually doing is solving a math problem while a video plays. The quest structure gives you little goals, "reveal the left side," "unlock the full show," but the labyrinth part, man, I don't get it. It's just a corridor. She walks, you merge, she walks some more. I was switching between this and actual work spreadsheets and the spreadsheets had more tension.

Still went back to finish block 2c6a. Don't know why. The numbers go up. Something primal there I guess.